Today is my one-week anniversary (counting every milestone right now) of attending my first Al-Anon meeting. I attended three meetings last week and am preparing to go into my fourth meeting tonight. I'm still struggling with how to know when any progress is being made. I know I want a resolution now, and that isn't possible, so I'm trying to figure out the whole one moment at a time...because my emotions are all over the place. There is no balance, there is no peace.

In my first meeting, I was asked to read the first step of the program from the Al-Anon equivalent of the AA Big Book. I could barely get through the first paragraph without being choked on my tears. I struggled all the way through it because I do not like to show my own vulnerability, because it has been used against me in the past. In my second meeting, I didn't say a word, other than introducing myself. One of the members was in the Ladies room with me after the meeting and said it looked like I was just about to share, when the meeting was ending....I told her I had almost worked up the courage to share...but it is "so overwhelming....I don't know where to start.". My third meeting, with less than five minutes to share, the same lady from the restroom called on me to see if I wanted to share....I started to, but the story I thought I wanted to share about my ABF was not what came out of my mouth. He was the reason I thought I came to Al-Anon....but now, I think my problem may be bigger than that....and that this relationship may have been the catalyst to begin to heal 45 years of self-hatred, self-contempt, sell-esteem issues and so many other things. I've been struggling with trying to figure out whether to stay in this relationship with my ABF who is now in recovery and fighting his own battles. However, he doesn't seem to want me around anymore. He says that he loves me....but that he needed a "few days" to work on himself. That was 10 days ago.

What I have discovered about myself is that all three "serious" relationships in my life have been with people who had issues with alcohol. This could stem all the way back to my father, who killed himself when I was three years old. I have two memories of this man....one where he was screaming at my mother from the top of the stairs and threw a lighter at her, and the other one was him screaming at my mother. I have no "visual" memories of this man....I couldn't pick him out of a line-up and the only way I know what he looks like is from pictures my mother had in a lock box. My mother never remarried, and we lost touch with his family when I was a teenager. I reconnected with some of his family about five years ago after I found them on FB. I told them what I remembered and they discounted everything....said his death was an accident, it was not...and that he was the most amazing man, but he was tormented by his guilt over an accident that disabled his niece for the rest of his life. When the demons started, he drank. My mother doesn't talk about him, says she doesn't remember, she is 73 now. I've never had a "male role-model". I've never felt good enough for anyone, and this has made me a very private, bitter person. This last year with my ABF has driven me to the edge of the cliff. 

I'm searching everywhere for answers....my professional life is on the line, my personal life is at stake, and all I hear is it will take time....it will take time. I've made an appointment with a psychologist for tomorrow because I am absolutely loosing it. I need one stable component in my life to hold on to, but EVERYTHING is in motion. My fear, anxiety, panic is dominating my life and I feel like I am spiraling out of control. I am immersing myself in these message boards, reading my two daily readers, reading my Al Anon Big Book, attending as many F2F meetings as are available, and I'm not finding any answers....any peace....any serenity. What am I doing wrong?