The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After much thought and consideration, I have decided to give myself another chance by going back to ftf meetings locally (well 30 miles or so one way). I have been fooling myself, I think, because I went so long ago and didn't "gel" with the others there. This was not truly my bottom, as I stayed with my then drinking AH for several years after. It was only about 15 months ago that I did hit what I now understand to be my true bottom. I did give it a real try and did attend the obligatory six, yet looking back I don't think I was where I needed to be in my own mind.
Recently, I tried attending another type of meeting (Celebrate Recovery), but did not find exactly what I was looking for (to be completely honest). I know that is because I was looking for real AlAnon meetings with real AlAnon literature because that is where my head and heart truly are. I have all of the literature and still read it as well as this board daily.
I find that I am recently feeling not quite "right" in my relationships and I am certain it is because I don't have a home group.
I know it is time to get out of my own shackles and stop making excuses because I will be forever stuck here if I don't make some effort. I really feel I need to honestly work the steps with a true sponsor. I have worked them as best I can, without a sponsor, but I am certain a sponsor would change my perspective on many things. I honestly wish there were more opportunities here (small town USA) for interaction, but sadly there is only one meeting I can attend due to proximity and I have made too many excuses for not returning.
For some unknown reason, I'm rather sad to admit that I even took a cousin with me to the "other" meeting. Looking back, although I truly did feel unaccepted during my last AlAnon stint, I now think I clouded my own perspective by almost always having a family member with me at meetings. I was such a true mess then that I could not even sit there without crying for the entire session. I tried very hard and listened to everyone and everything, but never really felt strong enough to do what I needed to do.
I've been thinking on this a while now and I think meetings are tonight or tomorrow night, so barring any major unfortunate events, I am going to make myself go.
To be completely fair to Myself, chronic pain and a then untreated medical condition made attending (evenings) in the past unsafe for me and others on the road. My unsafe condition is now under control, so that is no longer an issue. I just have to make myself go, pain or not, and I know it is time.
I have some pretty rough shots today and hope they won't make me feel so sick that I can't go, but I am going to make it a priority for today (assuming the meetings are today anyway). Once I make that leap, I will find solace in the meetings, as my RAH does in his AA meetings, I am sure.
It is because of this board, and the AlAnon speakers on YouTube, that I have come to this conclusion. It is time to make that step, despite my fears.
Please wish me well in my return to the rooms of AlAnon.
(((DoingmyBest)) What a Powerful, heartfelt, honest share!!!! I applaud your decision. i know I cannot connect at meetings if I am with a family member so you are not alone there. Now that you have been participating here for a time, i believe that you will feel more comfortable at the meeting.
