The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found a scrap of paper with a woman's name, phone number and email address on it. It was clearly AH's handwriting and was tucked away but not exactly hidden.
In the past he had a membership on a dating site "to meet friends" and talked with women on twitter who post nude photos, offering them weed etc.
All I can think is: if we didn't have trust issues this wouldn't bother me, but it does bother me. I felt a sinking feeling just looking at it. I started to search for her online, as if a social media page or a photo would do anything, would fix this mess or give me any answers.
I realized what is bothering me is the lack of trust, not this woman who I know nothing about. What I am afraid of is my own avoiddance of issues in marriage, my lack of clarity or lack of action in making my life what I want it to be.
I have said nothing to AH about this, I don't know what to say or do. Tonight I'm thinking this through, and could use some support.
Whether this is some kind of illicit hook-up or not doesn't matter as much as the bigger picture - that he has felt comfortable with being on a dating site, getting nude pictures, etc., while he's in a relationship. I'm assuming he hasn't done the kind of amends and hard work and recovery that would lead you to think he's very serious about living differently in the future. I mean not just the knee-jerk excuses or evasions, but real solid action and turning his life around.
Without that, I would think that the question is: How happy are you living in a relationship where he is going to be seeing other women too? For some people, they're okay with that, or it takes the pressure off them, or they want to be able to do it too. For some of us, it would be misery-making and part of a long history of having our needs disregarded. Which is true for you is something only you will know.
I guess it feels to me as if the saying about drinking is true here too: "He's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?"
It sounds as if this is unpleasant and painful. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
I'm new here too and going through many of the same trust issues. I can't give any advice to you but can tell you that taking it slow and really trying to evaluate the feeling is amazing. I have a AH as well. My marriage is beyond rocky at this point - I like Mattie's comment about - making amends and hard work and recovery. Stay strong, breathe and know your values/needs/morals are all validated and important and worthy.
I'm glad I slowed myself down last night, and still thinking this all through. The contact info was not even something belonging to AH, it was mine. I had forgotten about it and jumped to conclusions. Later I remembered meeting rhe woman and her writing out her info. But the feelings and fears were all mine to deal with and still a very real problem.
I think it is true, AH has made progress but has not made amends for past behavior and has not done any recovery work to make me believe he is a changed man. I still feel he is capable of making the same poor choices even though he has made promises. It hurts to think about my own lack of trust, my fears and shadows and not know how to change any of it. I can't make him heal that part of our relationship with me, and I can't do it on my own.
((Dandelion)) it is a difficult, painful road that we travel. I know the Steps helped me to let go of some of the anger however rebuilding the trust took time, much effort on both of our parts, as well as a few years into sobriety and program to accomplish. You are not alone so please keep coming back.
I am coming to understand my own desire for a quick fix - looking for reasons to end this relationship, and wishing my AH would "just _____" so everything would be better are both part of this; the light and the dark sides.
My fear is I will stay, and AH will not change or find a program. I am afraid he will drink, or smoke weed, or seek out other women the rest of his life. I can't control that. I need to focus on myself.
How will I learn to trust people in my life? How will I let go of relationships which are broken or one-sided? How will I make decisions and take action to make myself happy?
Dandelion I can understand. I found that once I was able to find a "trust in HP", I was able to then trust myself and then that trust enabled me to trust others.
I knew that HP would guide me if I listened to the still small voice within and I have never been disappointed.
Trust the process
Taraxacum, I'm sorry for the worry this is causing you. It very hard when trust has been broken. For myself, it doesn't matter what the situation is... if it looks like "that situation," my first reaction is to think.. oh geez, is this happening again? The information on the paper could pertain to just about anything really. It doesn't have to be the answer to one of your worst fears concerning your husband.
In my humble opinion, it presents an opportunity, an opportunity for you. Because Alanon is a program of self focus, whatever happens to us is always an opportunity to use our Alanon tools for making choices that honor ourselves. Only you know what is going on between yourself and your husband and what you feel would be the best course of action. Connecting with my higher power and asking for guidance has helped me when I'm not quite sure which road to take.
I have found from personal experience, it's best to consider self care first and foremost. If a conversation I am considering may result in a change to my life, I need to be ready and have a plan for what I will do next. I learned this through hard experience. Having a plan keeps me from being vulnerable to mistaken actions I might take from not thinking something out and also from being acted upon by others.
With an ongoing plan for my own life, I can take thoughtful actions instead of reacting to what others are doing. It frees me to keep building a stockpile of trust in myself and my hp to live a full life no matter what should come in sideways unexpectedly.
Thank you for sharing. Glad you're here with us. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 16th of May 2016 01:58:31 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Dandelion, I am not convinced your feelings about him equate to you "needing to learn to trust." Often times we alanoners get so accustomed to people pleasing and getting gaslit that we take on others' problems as ours.
How about changing the question from "When will I learn to trust again?" to an affirming statement such as "I will trust when it feels right and when people demonstrate to me consistently that they deserve my trust."
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 16th of May 2016 06:16:34 PM
I learned in program a thing I call Qualified Trust meaning I trust to the level that the other person reveals. That fixed me regarding being okay with trusting. My alcoholic/Addict got to be trusted fairly and my boundaries were respected by me most of all. Keep growing with the help of the family and fellowship. (((hugs)))
pinkchip, yes I feel like this experience and loss of trust with AH is making me feel isolated. I have "If I can't trust my partner who else can I trust?" kind of thinking. That was what I meant about learning to trust people again. And the letting go of broken and one sided relationships is my need for a boundary - How long will I stay in a marriage where I don't feel I can fully trust my partner and at the slightest sign of trouble my confidence in us is gone. This is not healthy for either of us.
the concept of qualified trust and the framing pink chip offered are both helpful for me to mull over. I am not over-reacting I am trusting to the level AH has revealed himself to be trustworthy in the past. The fact that the contact information belonged to me, and the relief that came with that, doesn't magically or instantly make him trust worthy.
He has only stopped drinking in January, and though we both feel a shift I try to remember that this physical sobriety is new. In fact he is still smoking marijuana and is not completely sober, though the affects are different his mind is still clouded. He is still very much focused on physical sobriety, emotional and spiritual healing are not on his radar. I am trying to be present to his healing and give him space to figure this out for himself. AND i need to allow him to feel the natural consequences of his lack of emotional and spiritual recovery - the lack of trust, the distance between us emotionally. I do not need to soften those for him in my old people pleasing ways.
Great post Tara stay on your side of the Street,
Keep the focus on you and your program.
I struggled detaching in any meaningful way with
My xah while we were still married. Its still a very
Pain filled process. I can not will it or Move it along
Faster.
I did stop trying to fix him and our marriage though
To save my own sanity and handed over my self will
To a power greater than myself.
I think that was one of the hardest Thing i ever did,
To have to self protect against my own husband.
