The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If I knew, then I could make a decision and stick with it. If I knew, with 100% certainly, I could either stay or go, as I planned. Instead, I'm left wondering, and crying, and sad, and tired, and unsure of everything.
I found a bottle, an almost full one. He was gone at the time. I threw some crap in a bag and left. He came home, saw I was gone, and called me. He didn't have his keys, so I had to come back to let him in. He swears it was from a previous time, that he's been sober, that he didn't even know it was there. Honestly, I don't believe him. But I don't KNOW, and I f------ want to KNOW.
He said that we can completely go through the house, clean out absolutely everything. Make sure every single bottle is out of the house. Then, if I ever find another, I'll know. I guess that will have to be enough.
Everything was so nice when he got home, we had plans for the weekend, it was going to be fun. This just ruined everything.
I'm sorry this is happening. I'm sure the saying is true: "More will be revealed." But another thing to think about is that you have a person here who cannot really be trusted. Because his drinking history is severe enough that it is not unreasonable to be cautious. Maybe that is all you need to know. Living with an alcoholic, even one in recovery, is living with a certain degree of uncertainty, always. Some people are okay with that uncertainty. I know now that I could not be. A friend of mine, an alcoholic with twenty years' solid recovery, very involved in AA and still working his program hard, relapsed and stayed relapsed. Now some people can live with that possibility and be okay with it. I know that I can't. The stress of wondering, the turmoil of going through all of that yet another time - I've been through it too often for another time to be okay.
That possibility is what we sign up for when we're with an alcoholic, even one in recovery. So it may be that you know enough already, even if he's not drinking. That's for you to decide.
(((Spider))) - What came to my mind is - How important is it? I've used this slogan time and time and time again and the answer for me is often based on my boundaries. We can never know what another person is thinking, feeling, doing and making assumptions does nothing but cause us to project and plan based on projections vs. facts.
As one in recovery, I can share that relapses happen. It is even suggested in rehab that relapse is a part of recovery. I don't like this comment but it's a known fact. What is not know is if/when one will get recovery and be able to keep recovery. Whether he is or is not drinking is not about you and not done to hurt you - alcoholism is a disease. If an alcoholic could stop and stay stopped by choice, more would.
My qualifiers have tells when they are in relapse. More often than not, it's to deflect, argue and try to turn the focus back on me. In instances where your scenario has played out, and they've offered me a boundary, they've usually been innocent. My point is you may never get satisfaction is knowing about this particular instance, and the program suggests this is when we let go and let God.
If I am working my program, I am not comparing today to the past, nor am I projecting the future. I am focused on today, this day. I am looking for progress and not perfection and I am keeping my expectations for myself and my qualifiers 'real'. The program tells me to detach with love, and keep my focus on me - my actions and my reactions. I also had to figure out how to react differently when situations baffled me, and my sponsor was very helpful at times like this.
You are not alone - my hope is you have a bit more clarity today and can find a peaceful solution that works for you. This disease can be maddening, but recovery gives us choices and tools to get through anything and to the other side.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Spider)) I completely understand the wanting to know, especially when you find something or when they're acting "off". In my case, the half drank bottles and empties stashed away in different places were a tell tale sign he was relapsing. I've drawn the boundary with him that I don't want any alcohol or bottles (even if they're empty) in the house. Our apartment isn't that big and he knows where he would stash stuff away. And told him that if I come across one I will assume that he's drinking, so it's his responsibility to go through and find everything.
On the flip side, for me knowing isn't always as great as I think it will be. I had this happen just last week. He'd been acting off and all week I was suspicious he was drinking -- his eyes were glassy and half-open, slurred speech, ATM withdrawals, going to bed at 7pm. I thought if I just knew he was drinking for sure that everything would be better. By Friday night the red flags were flying high and low and behold I found the pint glass of vodka in our spare room where he usually hides stuff. All it did was make me miserable and angry and sad and scared.
I think of something I heard during my time in Al Anon, "Would you rather be right or happy?" I've found when I do everything to be right, I usually end up sobbing -- like Friday night. I'm going to do my best going forward to let go of being right and put more of my effort into being happy. For me the being happy part is the hardest. For whatever reason it's like if I know he's drinking, I think sitting around being miserable is what I should be doing. Honestly, I think that acting that way will show him how much he's hurting me and our marriage and if I don't act that way he won't think it's a big deal and will get worse -- wow, that was just an ahah moment for me. It's easier to say all this stuff when they aren't actively using, but I've got to do my darnest to remember and shift my behavior when the crises are happening.
You're definitely not alone in trying to navigate and set boundaries and get through this...
The very first instruction I got in program was that "I was powerless and my life unmanageable" I accepted and still do accept that as fact and what do we do with facts. I knew I had to ask as if...as if the facts were real and true and not discussable or moveable. When I started to accept here drinking and using as fact with evidence that she was not doing anything about recovery or change she left our marriage as I did also. Fact was she was alcoholic/addict...she knew it and I did and fact also was that I was done living in the disease and would make changes. Another fact I was powerless over was that if I did not make changes in how I lived my life I would duplicate the problem over and over. I started self focusing as a part of my first step and my life got more peaceful and in tune. The program works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Why? what would it change if you knew for certain or not? I remember being obsessed with this question too and my whole world depended on the answer or so I thought. Then I learned LIve and Let Live. It was always his choice to drink or not or seek recovery or not. It was never my business and actually it never had the power to define my whole life. It was all part of my denial. The ideas I lived with for years. If he doesnt drink then my life will be good i will be happy. If he does drink then my life is not good I will be miserable. Thats a lot too put on someone else. My life is my responsibility, my happiness and decisions are mine alone and dont belong to another and its unfair to use another person as a scapegoat, thats what I did and it allowed me to not take responsibility for myself.
Your life and choices are yours alone. If you have made the decision to leave due to his drinking and hes not in recovery then the chances are hes drinking. He suffers from a disease which is a powerful compulsion of the mind and body. More importantly you also suffer from this thinking disease and unless you get yourself some recovery you too will continue to suffer from the symptoms which are distorted thought processes.
For me the knowledge was important because I knew that I could not put up with the drinking longterm. If he wasn't going to stop, I was going to have to separate. He kept claiming he was going to stop. He went to AA for a while, several separate times. One time he got a sponsor. He went through rehab. And he would have long sober periods. (Partly because he is a binge drinker, so sober periods are part of the pattern. But they make it harder to tell whether the drinking is over or whether more is coming down the pike.)
After a while I began to feel that the sensation of waiting for it all to start up again was too stressful for me. And we would have those times where I would suspect he was drinking and he would deny it up and down, and I'd think, "Has all this made me paranoid?" Then I began finding the hidden bottles and realized that my instincts were right on. Once he went out to do some yard work (not his favorite thing to do) and I snooped by peering through some curtains and sure enough, saw him take a bottle out from behind a bush and gulp it down! I know snooping when you know the answer is crazy-making. But in this case my snooping was sanity-making. Because until then I really didn't know the answer.
So I was about ready to call it quits, when after a dry spell he started up again and endangered our child. That told me that I had almost waited too long. I was out and never looked back. I will say that I had 24 hours of self-doubt, right when he was moving his stuff out of the house. I thought I would be suffering longer. To my amazement, once he was out, a peace descended on me which has not vanished yet. I've had other problems with other men, but I've never regretted splitting up from my AH for a moment. I had reached the point where I was done.
It works differently for everyone - that's just my experience. That stress of not knowing what's coming next is really wearing, or was for me.
