Welcome.  You are in the right place.  Everyone here knows what it is like to live with and love an alcoholic.

What helped me move forward from wit's end, was reaching out to others, and getting involved in Alanon. Eventually I realized that I had to -- and deserved to -- focus on my own recovery from the effects of living with this disease in my marriage. I learned that I didn't cause, could not control, and could not cure someone else's drinking.  Sometimes the best I could do was to grab onto one of the slogans, like "One Day at a Time," to keep me calm enough to carry on. I can assure you, things got better -- not perfect right away, but better.  

This is a great forum. They have online meetings here that someone will tell you more information about.  There is a daily post with the subject "C2C" for "Courage to Change" that summarizes a page from Alanon literature. Face-to-face Alanon meetings are recommended and are held in many locations.  That is where I heard others' experience of how they made it through.  My best suggestion is to get to a meeting as soon as you can, listen to the members, pick up some of the free pamphlets they offer, and stick around afterwards to talk with anyone whose story is similar to yours.  

Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do.  

-- Edited by Freetime on Friday 13th of May 2016 12:18:48 AM

Alcoholics are not rational people - the alcohol does that to them.  Even when they are sober, their thinking is full of denial, contradictions, and deception, I'm afraid.  One thing we learn in Al-Anon is the Three C's of drinking: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.  Only the alcoholic can do that, and only in his own time frame, which is usually not our time frame.  I'm afraid the truth is that only 15-25% of alcoholics who enter recovery programs ever make it to longterm sobriety.  I mention that because I kept thinking, "I'll just explain to him how damaging his drinking is, and figure out a way to get him to understand, and he'll go into recovery, and our problems will be solved."  I thought it would be like flipping a switch and I just had to find the switch.  But when I understood how powerful alcoholism is, and how small the chances of continued sobriety are, I realized at last that I couldn't wait for him to get sober before I figure out how to make my own life happy.  The good news is that none of us have to wait for our A's (alcoholics) to get sober to learn the tools for dealing with alcoholism and cultivating our own serenity.  That's what Al-Anon is for. Then whether they're sober or not, whatever our situation, we can find peace.  As it happens, our own recovery is also the thing that gives them the best chance at their recovery.

I hope you'll read through the threads here, find a meeting of your own (try several as they are all different), get the literature, start working your own program, and keep coming back.  Hugs!

DesperateinNYC - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you shared. There are 2 scheduled meetings here twice a day - if you look to the top left, you'll find the times and a link to the meeting/chat room. It appears several are not happening currently as there is nobody to chair them - but I encourage you to keep trying....when they happen, they are wonderful.

I also encourage you to find local Al-Anon meetings and attend a few. In Al-Anon we learn more about the disease and how it affects another. In Al-Anon, we work to keep our focus on us and to fix our own insane and obsessive ways - often caused by the living with the disease. Most of us end up with distorted thinking and dents in our value/trust systems as a result of living with this disease, and Al-Anon can restore us to sanity. Al-Anon suggests we not dwell on what an alcoholic does or what they might/will do, but rather look at ourselves and seek out joy/peace no matter what they or anyone else is doing around us.

No amount of words, proof, suggestions, threats, promises, etc. will affect a change in an alcoholic. They are not bad, they are just sick. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind and it takes incredibly smart, talented, kind people and turns them into something completely different. It is progressive and if left untreated can result in death. We learn to detach with love and set boundaries for self-preservation while not sitting in judgement of anyone else.

Glad that you joined us - keep coming back! We here work together by sharing our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to seek out personal freedom from the bondage of the disease. Keep coming back!!

First off you do not sound pathetic. Only those who have loved/lived with an active alcoholic know that it is not easy to leave them as you want to help them. I do think that is was very positive that he admitted he was an A. It can take years for As to admit this to themselves and to others (sometimes they never do). My AH admitted he was an A last Feb/March. Once he admitted it I had high hopes that things would automatically change and he would get sober. He started to attend AA meetings but was still lying about not drinking. He didn't stop drinking until I got out of the way and let him really deal with the repercussions (which included among other things a wellness check from the police one day after I had kicked him out of the house and he went on a bender - which resulted in him going to the hospital for the night for observation) of his drinking and he finally reached what I hope was his bottom. I tell you this because every As bottom is different. I thought the police escort to the hospital would be his bottom but it wasn't. A few weeks later after another incident he finally sobered up. I learned through Al-Anon detaching with love. I will say this was very hard for me at first but it got easier. My AH disease progressed pretty fast over the last few years. He is now sober and is coming up on 1 year. Once I got out of the way, starting minding my own business and focusing on myself my HP and his HP was able to take over. If you haven't already I would suggest finding a face-to-face meeting. Keep coming back and sending you many positive thoughts and prayers.

Thanks Jazzie...I ded relate to the drama, he loves it, and picks fights with me when drunk. I'm on to him now tho, I am not getting sucked in. What does is "detach with love" mean tho? I should distance myself from him? I've been trying to...

I am new here, too. Years of my boyfriend doing pretty much the same. Starting fights for no reason. He's been in rehab for 2 weeks now. Before that, he had one of those nights were he was fighting with the wall. I was trying to go to sleep and I heard him fall in the bathtub. I asked him if he was okay and he storms out and grabs the ceiling fan (while it is spinning) and bends all the blades and punches a hole in the door. I had to get in my car and leave. I came back 30 minutes later and I found him passed out. It's literally the same cycle every time. I know his next move and have numbed myself from reacting to his stupidity. When he says hurtful things, I completely ignore him. And if he gets upset about me ignoring, I say "I will talk to you when you are done."

His crap has caused me to have high blood pressure and I'm currently getting that addressed with a doctor now. I should not be taking bp meds at 25. In the past 2 weeks, it has been very peaceful at the house. I am cleaning and redoing the house while he's gone. I'm trying to keep myself busy and work on myself.