The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am going to be moving in with my new man and his two little girls at the end of the month. And his dog. And his cat, lol!
I hate moving. Let's just get that on the table. And, I just helped my guy move over the past few months, as well, and I truly am tired of packing and unpacking boxes.
On the flip side; this is giving me a chance to declutter and decide what's important. Yet, on the other hand, I'm selling furniture and getting rid of stuff that I invested in and I'm scared that I'll have nothing if things go wrong or our relationship takes a turn for the worse. I know that's a risk we all take no matter who we are in relationships with. I've seen 30 year marriages, where I thought the couple had phenomenal chemistry and seemed like true soul mates, end in devastating divorce. There are no guarantees in life so I'm just taking the plunge and trusting my intuition and trusting his judgement, as well, that we are going to make a real try at mastering this blended family thing!
I am just as excited as I am nervous. I love him and it's a different kind of love than what I had with my alcoholic ex. So there are times when I wonder if it's really love or if I'm just confused. I wonder what love really is and what healthy interdependent love really looks like, and then I wonder if I've actually found it. Love has always befuddled me. With my ex, it was a whirlwind of emotions and I was so very young. I cried a lot and manipulated, without realizing I was doing it. We fought, we made up, there was lots of long drawn out emotional talks about 'us' and how we felt about each other, blah blah blah......
Today, my man and I hardly ever argue. We get frustrated with each other but it seems to blow over quickly. I haven't shed a tear about our relationship nor do I feel that I have to walk on eggshells about my feelings for him or about us, in general. He's very clear, through his actions and his words, that he wants me and he wants 'us'. I don't have to read into his actions. There are no long nightly emotional talks about the relationship or where this is headed or about his concerns or my fears. We don't manipulate each other. We don't feel the need to discuss every little aspect of 'us' and nit pick it it pieces. We don't assassinate each other's character because we accept the other person as they are and we adjust our expectations accordingly. We are not codependent on the other because we are becoming interdependent as we blend our lives together.
What is healthy mature love to you? While I do wish my guy was more emotionally expressive verbally, I do know that I don't question where I stand with him. He likes to be direct and succinct so if he tells me he loves me, he loves me. He doesn't feel the need to embellish it. I have learned that about him and I accept that's how he is because when he hugs me and makes me a priority in his life, I know where I stand. I never knew with my ex where I stood because we were both so dysfunctional and codependent and we both used emotional abuse and manipulation to get what we wanted out of the other person. We had abandonment issues, needs that we expected the other to fill that we weren't capable of filling, etc.
So, I may not know what 'love' really looks like or feels like in a romantic relationship, but I do know that I am a better partner today because of what I learned through program about loving myself, about bringing my HP into everything I do in my life, and Al Anon has helped me heal myself, accept others, to learn that no one person can meet ALL of my needs, that I am responsible for me, and that I have a lot to offer a partner.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Wonderful share Andromeda I do believe finding how to be" interdependent" is the key to love and a healthy relationship. You have worked hard on your recovery, so please do keep on keeping on.You have the tools and HP will continue to give you the courage, serenity and wisdom to live life on life's terms.
Andromeda, I have all the questions and ruminations you have about my new love. He is 63 and never been married. He has regrets about not having kids and having a wife earlier in his life. He had chaces and didnt take them. As for me,though Im happy with him, I always am watching then gauging if Im approaching this relationship in a non dependant,healthy way. He is very open to what I bring up and we are learning together how to have a good relationship. It is one of the hardest dances Ive done except for the 25 yrs of being married to an A. It is also a most satisfying,beneficial and wonderful thing. Id love to take my eyes off my feet more often and just tango happily.
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andromeda - huge (((hugs))) for you - I too hate moving!!! Just confirming that for you.....but purging and sorting are things I enjoy so a move definitely gives one a chance to practice getting rid of things unneeded. What I keep reminding myself in recovery is all the tools we've been taught are larger than interactions with an alcoholic. I can use them with family, co-workers, strangers, etc. - I can use them always which is what the 12th Step tells us.
So - take your nerves, your excitement and your journey and go forward with all your tools one day at a time. We never know what will come tomorrow, so enjoying the moment has really become my anthem. I love your share - it points to your growth, your recovery and what the program is about - learning how to move forward with hope, peace and joy - one day at a time.
'See ya soon' - sure you'll be busy!! Know we're here when you get a minute!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I feel like I'm practically giving my furniture away. UGH! Luckily, the stuff I am selling I actually bought used anyway, but I'm having trouble offloading it and I need to get rid of it all by the end of the month!
I am also going through an issue with my XAH and taking him back to court and that's just drama all over again. He's bullying me and my bf wants me to stop being so nice and to use the law as it was intended to get my XAH to pay his share of costs that he is now balking at. I know I need to fight so I met with a lawyer last week and he told me I'd probably have the judge rule in my favor. So, back to the courts I go. ARGH....why can't my XAH just do what is best for our son instead of using him as a pawn to get back at me for leaving him. It's ridiculous!
Anyway, I am putting together everything I need for the judge. I am writing up an appeal instead of paying the lawyer to do it and I'm going to breathe a deep sigh of relief when all is said and done. I am happy today but my happiness doesn't come from my relationships anymore. My happiness comes from peace within because I know that God's got me right where I need to be and that peace is a trust I have that I will be OK, no matter what happens in my life.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Love this Sister! You are working it and life is getting better even with the exAH doing what they do best. Keep handing over what you can and carry on. It is nice to see and hear!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
