The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I've been fooling myself. What I thought was forgiveness and compassion, was probably enabling. I'm at a reading point. Alcoholism plagued my childhood and I feel I'm now letting it plague my adult life and negatively effect my children's lives. Both my parents have struggled with drinking as far back as I can remember. I think I wanted so bad for my children to have their grandparents in their lives that I put their best interest on the back burner. The people my parents become when drinking is not who they really are. And, although I know it is a sickness and their actions are not about me, I take it so personal. The meanest they so easily spew has me feeling unworthy of their love.When is it okay to cut ties? Of three kids (I have two brothers), 'm the only one that continues to forgive them. My brothers cut ties a long time ago. As a result, I keep getting hurt, and now my children are getting hurt. I thought I was being a good daughter. Trying to bandage the fractures time and time again. I think I was actually being selfish. I was telling them by my actions that their actions were okay. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
((KimRyn)) Welcome to Miracles in Progress. The actions and attitudes that you have outlined are how I and many others learned to cope with the insidious effects of the disease of alcoholism.
As you not doubt know, alcoholism is a chronic,dreadful, progressive disease over which we are powerless. Living with the disease causes us(family members) to develop many negative destructive tools to cope with the insanity. Some of which are denial of the reality of the situation and pretending that all is well.
Alanon is the recovery program set up to address these issues and face to face meetings are held in most communities The hot line number is found in the white pages. It is here I learned to Keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, break the isolation caused by interacting with the disease and connect with others who will not give advise but who do understand as few others can .
You are not alone so keep coming back as there is hope
Welcome to the board. I think Betty has this covered in that we do not give advice in Al Anon only share our own experience. I can relate to how you feel. The only advice we do give is not to make any major decisions for the first 6 months you are in the Al Anon program. This advice is given because often our perspective changes a lot in those 6 months.
I have felt perplexed by the alcoholics in my life as well and worried about their effect on my child. I also felt like I have put my daughter's well being on the back burner at times to deal with the alcoholics in my life. I was in denial of what was happening in my home for a long time I didn't really see it. At first I was overcome with defeat that I hadn't seen it sooner. But now I am thankful that I see it now. And now that I see it I can step in and change things for my child. I can focus on what is important (her) and stop putting so much energy into trying to control a disease that is uncontrollable.
I find my face to face meetings extremely helpful.
(((Kimryn))) - I too welcome you to MIP - glad that you found us and glad that you shared. Your awareness of the disease and how it affects those who love or live with an alcoholic will surely help you in Al-Anon recovery. We learn more about the disease and how to return ourselves to sanity and detach as necessary. We work to detach with love, separate the disease from the person and set boundaries for protection vs. punishment purposes.
I too hope that you can find local meetings, as there is no replacement for local support. We work to keep the focus on ourselves and what we can control to better react or not to the disease.
Keep coming back - there is hope in recovery. You are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Kim! Welcome to the life raft. Grab a seat and come along with us as we navigate life. Hope can be found here. Your recovery can start here. This is a life saving, life changing program. When I first came into Alanon I didn't realize how my actions were to some extent fueling the disease of Alcoholism. MY part in this whole insane environment. I was insane. I learned to build myself up from the inside out by working through the 12-steps with a Sponsor. By doing this ME and MY life changed. I continue to practice them on a daily basis to learn and grow as life changes.
Today, I no longer accept, unacceptable behavior. Whether it's family or not. I was a doormat and taking advantage of for many years. I did have a part in that. I taught people how to treat me. It was a painful discovery, but one that needed to be uncovered. Respect and proper treatment towards others is achieved through actions and words, not blood line. I now put myself and my well-being first. Time is precious, I surround myself with people who treat me well. I do the same with them. I've found by doing this, the rest of the world falls into place as it should. I'm no longer the ring leader for everyone and THEIR ISSUES. I no longer fuel their disease. But, allow them to life their life and face their consequences. I will be available to help anyone if they're willing to help themselves. If not, well- I wish them luck and keep them at a safe distance. My sanity is a gift I don't want to lose.
Family stuff is hard, go to ftf mtgs and start your
Recovery and healing journey for you.Your answers
will come as you work The program.
I have a very difficult mother, i had detached pretty
Much From her just not 100%. I did not have real strong
Boundaries. I do now, and NO is a complete sentence.
She does not like boundaries, my family is very fractured
And dysfunctional. I can not fix my mother only myself.
Thank you all so much. Your wisdom on the matter and your encouraging words make me realize there is light at the end of the tunnel and calmness after the storm.
