The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Never make excuses. Your friends don't need them and your foes won't believe them. John Wooden
Gosh. How many excuses have I made in my life? I've made excuses to friends about why we couldn't do things with them, because money was tight, due to our circumstances. I've made excuses to our kids when we couldn't do things they wanted to do. I've made excuses to family when my AH couldn't make it to a family event. Excuses, excuses, excuses.
The other things I do, which correlates with that, is I feel like I always owe people explanations. Even when I don't owe an explanation for things, I feel like I always have to explain why I've said no...why I didn't go somewhere...why I did a certain thing. I'm recognizing that it's not my job to explain to other people, or seek acceptance from them, when there is no need for acceptance.
I'm going to do my best not to make excuses anymore. I'm going to make decisions, and feel good about them. I'm going to politely say no, without having to give a reason. Well, I'm going to do my best.
Just something I was thinking about that I felt I needed to share.
I agree. It was so difficult for me when I first stopped ginning up excuses. I quit excusing cold turkey.
First, I quit offering unsolicited excuses. Let them assume what they liked.
i had two types of excuses: one type for my actions, and one for other people's in my family.
I found it easier to respond to questions about why I did or didn't do something. These I could respond to truthfully.
The more difficult was the why of someone else's behavior. I just quit. I invited the asker to pose the question to my family member directly.
That pretty much ended the circle, but it was difficult at first.
With practice, it got easier.
By not excusing, I came to take more responsibility for my own behavior. This has been good for me.
I agree - great topic. I too made excuses outside of my home and inside my home. I loved when folks here told me that Yes and No were complete sentences. I always had more to add that those simple words for a Yes/No question - and often babbled on crazily!
I am so grateful for the tools and knowledge the program has given me. Practice is the answer for me on this topic - and I am also working on the no excuses. As I've set my boundaries, and learned more about the disease, I've gotten better about making decisions that work for me.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for this topic sweetness! I think one of the many gifts I have learned in recovery is that I do not have the obligation to explain or justify a 'No'. It is such a relief and so freeing!
Such great replies. Yes, practice makes "somewhat perfect". :) Yes and No as complete answers is such a big challenge for me. I'm a chatty cathy, and I always feel the need to explain, and I love story telling...honest story telling. My husband equates me to a "non ding bat" Edith Bunker. Hugs everyone, for sharing back.
