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Today my spouse and I made an arrangement to meet up at kids' school where we would attend a kid related event, and I would take the kids from there to next thing. As soon as I met them, my "somebody has been drinking" radar went up. He had that "squinty eye" look (I don't know how to explain it other than I now realize that that is his "buzzed" look. He was talking with some of the teachers when I arrived, having told them that son #1 seemed to be missing. (He had #2 with him.) After I asked him several times where son #1 was, I realized that he had not picked up son #1 who was still at daycare. (He was supposed to do that.) It turned out not to be a big disaster because daycare was still open and was nearby anyway. Regardless, AH had to leave for his next thing and so I didn't have to endure being around him/it. Yay for small mercies.
The actual question I have for today .. so when I saw him, I immediately got that "pit in stomach" feeling. And bad thoughts began swirling around my head. But I said to myself, "Self, So He took a drink. Or maybe he didn't and he's just acting really stupid today. What should we do? GO ON with our day. Be in the moment. Express to kid how pleased I am to have made it to his school event. " And I think I did a relatively good job. I am so new to the recovery process, I'm just curious - does it ever get easier (or even possible) to avoid having those "pit in stomach" feelings? Can you detach so completely that you're like, "well, look at that. You seem to have had a drink or two." And leave it there. I just feel like whenever even the merest suggestion comes up that he Might have had a drink, it stops me in my tracks. I wonder if it is because some part of me wants to jump up and put a bag over his head in hopes that I can control the number of people who would notice. Then I say "Self, there you go trying to control stuff you can't control. You gotta let this go." Ugh. So difficult.
I feel like there are so many points in the day where I say "self, let it go. Self, detach" that I've started feeling like I am emotionally divorcing him. My counselor asked me if I still loved him and I told her I didn't know what love means anymore. Right now I'm actively pursuing a line of thought that says " I am not his body part. We are two people who are married. That is all." Question two: can you learn to love someone again after you have spent so much time/energy detaching yourself from them and their alcohol issue? I think I can see how one can learn to accept them as they are, but that's not loving someone, is it? I wish that my AH and I could have a nice marriage because I think the children would benefit. So I guess I'm saying that I wish there was a chance that my recovery would help us have a better relationship versus making it easier for me to file for divorce.
-- Edited by Fedora on Wednesday 4th of May 2016 01:59:32 AM
Fedora - I can relate to the stomach pit. In the start of recovery, it was all I could do to just shut my mouth. I practiced that and repeated the serenity prayer over and over again to myself to try to quiet my mind and my gut. I would reach out beyond that behavior, as you did, and talk to my child or another person. I 'acted as if' it was not my issue, but his. It takes practice and I made mistakes - still do at times - but it does get easier. Today, when I am troubled over the choices of another or something that is going way different than planned, many tools/slogans fly in quickly - almost automatically - and acceptance comes quicker.
You did good - you processed, considered/used some tools - and made it through the day - which is all we focus on. As far as love and learning to love again - I am still with my AH, and it's better than before - one day at a time. I don't focus on tomorrow or beyond today as it just puts me into a projecting mode, and I know one thing for sure - I'm clueless about what my HP has planned for my future. So, my best suggestion is to let the future unfold as it is supposed to, and keep your focus on you and today.
Only you can know what the outcome may be and I've experienced greater clarity as I've practiced recovery.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Fedora, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can definitely relate to the pit in my stomach and it is funny because I totally got your description of him being buzzed. Funny how we just know when they have been drinking. It does get a little easier especially if you can make it to face-to-face meetings. I found those to be very helpful, especially helping you feel not so alone and not so crazy. I found it very hard to detach with love when I was living with my AH and he was actively drinking. I took every drink/lie he took and said personally and I was so pissed and resentful. I was fearful for my little kids and they could tell something was going on. The first few months in Al -Anon were so tough. I was losing it left and right, crying all the time, angry. I truly thought that I was going to have a nervous breakdown and I thought this was the end of our marriage. I could no longer see the love between my husband and I as I was so filled with anger/resentment. I started to pray a lot, go to meetings, use the slogans (especially the one day at a time and at times one minute at a time). It got better once I was able to let go and let god and to realize that he really didn't want to drink and he felt so horrible about himself. My AH finally found recovery last June (coming up on one year - yeah) and I found I had a lot of work to do on myself as I realized I was very sick too. I am so glad that I stuck it out. My marriage is getting stronger, I have my best friend back and best of all my kids have their father back. I am sharing this as I could really relate to your story as this was me last year.
Like Iamhere says "only you can know what the outcome may be". The biggest thing for me was finally coming out of denial and no longer enabling my husband. Once that happened he could no longer deny that he didn't have a problem.
I am keeping you and your family in my prayers. I know how hard this is....especially when you have young kids to think about.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Wednesday 4th of May 2016 09:44:59 AM
I think there is a difference between detaching and ignoring. Detaching is about your own mind space, its like being presented with the facts, not getting upset and reacting but looking at them rationally and not turning away from the facts or the truth. If your husband was drunk at the kids school and he forgot your other child then it seems to me these are issues that would need to be addressed as a first thing first. Children are a first thing first. Its your responsibility to ensure their safety and welll being. So ignoring the warning signs could be irresponsible. You now know he is not to be trusted with picking up your child because he may drive drunk or forget him altogether then it seems you need to make other arrangements. Leaving this to chance or ignoring it could have disasterous consequences for your children. Detaching is about you using the hard facts of the situation your in and looking for the rational way to view them.
I will agree with El-cee. That was troubling when I read your post. When my husband was actively drinking I had to take steps to make sure he never drove alone with the kids. I basically had to tell the woman who babysits our kids that he was not allowed to drive with the kids as I couldn't trust that he wouldn't be drinking. Is there anyone else that can drop off/pick up your child at daycare. It is just a sad situation all around that we have to think of this but your child can't make this decision and you have to focus on their well being first.
I too took steps to ensure the safety of my children and others as best I could on the road. My answer was to the 'immediate feelings' when in public and starting the program. What El-Cee shares is absolutely critical and for me, the fellowship, sponsor and trusted program friends were so very helpful in suggesting things to take the 'weight of the world' off my shoulders...
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Fedora)) ... for me, TIME and PRACTICE handling these things finally made my detachment and pit in my stomach better. I have NO problem calling police if I see him get in a car and go ANYWHERE. I don't want myself to live with quilt if he kills innocent people. Part of my recovery I spent a lot of time thinking how to handle things as they kept repeating in my insane life. The "mind rehearsals" helped me not panic and my mind go crazy... I could stay calm and handle my childs safety and mine in best way I could.. Keep coming back ...
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
