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My AH and I started marriage counseling yesterday, last ditch effort to save the marriage. It was ok, mostly just setting up how it all works. Untill yesterday, the only communication we had was via text, and then only about logistics. His sponsor suggested doing that because we'd been in a cycle of him getting angry at me, generally for reasons that had nothing to do with or even the rest of world outside his head , I'd get mad or scared or both, and I'd crash physically (I'm chronically ill and stress makes me much worse). Not communicating for a few weeks has helped me get stronger. We talked some after the counseling session, and again last night. He wants the marriage to work, I don't know if it can. He's been verbally and emotionally abusive for the past few years, lying, raging, avoiding, denying. I'm burned out and have PTSD from living with him. I liked not communicating, I felt safer. But now we're trying. One of the things that has been hardest for me is that he would be a jerk, I'd get too sick to move, then he'd completely forget it by the next day or the day after. Even with no alcohol, his denial is crazy strong. So last night we talked about that. He listened and didn't get mad, so that was good. But I'm stuck. I don't know what tools I need here. I want him to know what happened, because in the past, I'd forgive him every time, then it would repeat. He's been in counseling for years and it hasn't changed him, he's good at being just contrite enough to seem like he's trying to change. I don't want to keep that old cycle going. I feel like he needs to stop denying and forgetting that cycle, so I think I need to remind of what's been happening. I also think I'm not doing Al Anon right here, but I don't know what to do.
It sounds like you are doing a good job of sorting out how you feel. The next time you go to counseling, if you feel safe sharing your feelings in front of your husband, you can do so. Sometimes counselors prefer to talk with the woman individually if she has been emotionally abused.
It sounds as if you are in that place where we've all been, of thinking "I need to just figure out how to explain it right so he can understand." And you've tried for years and it hasn't gotten anywhere yet.
It also sounds like you've been putting up with a lot for a long time. And now you are almost at the end of done. But he still wants to rescue the marriage and so you're giving it a try. But if he is more motivated than you - after all, you've spent years trying to make things better, so no wonder you're burnt out on it - if he's so motivated, maybe the thing that needs to happen is that he needs to work on understanding what you need and how to give it to you, instead of you struggling to make him understand. Maybe he's the one that needs to do the struggling to understand here. Because it sounds like you've already put a ton of effort in, and maybe he needs to step up and put his ton in. If he does, then you know you're on the right track and maybe things have a chance. If he doesn't, then you know that this thing is just not saveable, because he just doesn't have it in him to be a good partner for you.
If the counselor is a good counselor, she can help get it across to him, if it can be gotten. I hope she is familiar with alcoholism. We had several counselors, and they meant well but they weren't familiar with alcoholism beyond what they had read in a book somewhere. So I said I needed some amends and to know that he understood what I had been through and was sorry. So he said, "Okay, I'm sorry!" - all quick, just like that, and I had a feeling he was rolling his eyes as he said it. And the counselor said, "Great! What shall we work on now?" And then she thought I was nuts when that didn't do it for me. She didn't have any idea what horrors I had been through with him and why an abrupt "Okay, I'm sorry!" didn't wipe them all out. So I hope your counselor is less naive than ours was.
As far as working the program for peace, serenity and joy, I had to accept others around me exactly as they are. If they are alcoholics, liars, in denial, depressed, etc. - I had to accept there was not one single thing I could do to change them. For me, I had to go one step further and accept they may always be the way they are today. The only person I can change is me and if I wanted things to change, I would have to be the one to be different, do different, act different and react different.
So, the serenity prayer, the meetings, the step work, the program friends, writing, sponsor, etc. helped me to stay on the path of changing my attitudes, outlooks and focus. I rarely talk about my qualifiers as they are not my problem - my issues are me and how I hear, receive, react and act when things go different than I want, expect or plan for.
Counseling for us did not work well. I see now, using the program tools that we were not all committed to the cause. I also see now that I expected to be able to go in there, dump to someone who would listen and understand and fix it all.....that's not how it works. It took Al-Anon for me to learn that feelings are not facts, and using my emotions instead of facts for decisions wasn't the best practice for me.
I also learned that dishonesty does not go away just because everyone is in counseling and esp. with this disease - lies are part of the disease as is denial, isolation, self-esteem issues, self-worth, ego, etc. The program suggests that we try to regain our strength and worth before making any big decisions. Of course, some do and some don't. Some stay and some don't. What the program will give you is the ability to make choices for you and your future instead of for another and what they may/may not do.
I 100% had to let go of the past. Holding on to hurts and issues from the past hurt nobody but me. None of my qualifiers has ever made amends, and that's fine - I forgave them for everything - for me....not for them. I did not want to hold on to anger, resentments, hate, hurt and blame of others any longer - so it was quite easy to see them as imperfect humans and to forgive them - for my peace of mind. I don't expect them to change, I don't expect them to 'be' something they can't or won't. I accept them as they are - good & bad - and focus on what's good and working in my life vs. what could be better.....I do this as what I see as 'could be better' most likely doesn't align with another's views.
Glad to see you posting and hope this helps! Keep coming back and know that you're not alone!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks, guys. I'm processing all you've said. I can see forgiveness is important. I like forgiveness. It makes me feel way better. I But I don't want to keep repeating the cycle. And today it happened again. We weren't connecting really, but we were talking without anger. Then he said he had band practice. I said I wasn't suggesting he cancel today, but it would help if he would consider how much was going on in the day already before doing band practice, because days get way too crowded, and we'd just gotten a new dog and we're all exhausted. (Not my new dog, my daughter's.) He got upset and left, saying he couldn't talk about this, slammed the door, and I'm kicked in the gut again. Music has been a touchy subject between us, it's been like an addiction for him, he put it before family for decades, but I'd thought things were ok with that subject. But suddenly it wasn't again. I'm trying to not let my brain keep telling me he's such a jerk. I'm trying to not let the fear and anger take over. I texted him that part of me realized he wasn't ready to talk about band, but part of me was scared and shaky. He hasn't said a word to me since, other than logistics. I don't want to initiate communication, I always do that. Maybe it's like Mattie said above, if he wants the marriage to work, he needs to step up. But I hate waiting on him.
FHP I have found that detachment is the key. Keep the focus on your needs, take care of yourself regardless of what he plans or he is doing. Rest, go to a friends, read a book and let him do whatever. You do not have to d o everything together nor do you have to feel the same, about everything. You are each entitled to your opinions and satisfying your needs. For me forgiveness, acceptance and detachment are the keys to my sanity.
