The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sound familiar?
My 35 year old AD makes lots of bad choices (surprise!). I tryto remain positive, steer conversations away from ones in which she talks about illegal activities, reminding her yhat I do not want to hear about drugs/drug use etc. When she asks me what she should in in various difficult situations, I tell her she will gave todecide for herself in terms of what's best forher long term goals . I have repeated for years that we allhave choices to make in life, and each of us ,must deal with theconsequences of yhise choices.
This morning she told me she may need a lawyer (as a result of repeated bad decisions) and she knew her dad and I would pay for one. I made it very clear that her choices and the consequences of those choices belonged to her and, no, we were not going to pay for her lawyer.
Since I said that, she has sent me multiple horrible texts,about what a terrible person I am, that this is the worst thing anyone has ever done to her, that she always knew I disliked her, and I was never tocontact her again (she was blocking my number).
I turned off my phone. She is now sending emails to me (which I haven't read).
ESH please
((Ignath))) we are powerless over people and they are just as powerless over us. Drawing your boundary on your daughter was a wise decision as she can get a Public Defender to represent her interests. We cannot allow ourselves to be bullied by another's bad behavior so that not answering the phone or responding to her email is the best choice. Meetings and repeating the serenity prayer or slogan also helps..
When we change to make healthier decisions, those who want us to be unhealthy launch a "Change back!" crusade. They escalate in the hope that they can manipulate us into doing what they want (which generally means enabling their addictions and dysfunction). They will scream and yell and blame and accuse and throw tantrums and say we're selfish and threaten us and threaten themselves and pull out all the stops. When they see that we really mean it, they will adjust. Often after a few more feeble tries to scream the house down. Eventually they get used to the new healthy-boundary us. I see that happening here in your situation. Often we're such peacemakers that we're tempted to give in just to keep the peace. But of course that "reinforces" the behavior - that rewards them for throwing the tantrum. I hope you can hold fast to what's right for you. Hang in there.
Say what you mean (you already did), mean what you say (don't change your mind, don't restate your boundary and make the topic off-limit) and don't say it mean (no need to respond or react to another's anger, tantrum, etc.)
I have blocked my sons at different times when they try to engage me in drama/chaos. I have terminated many phone calls when the calls have gone towards drama/chaos. I just don't do the dance any more. The more consistent I am, the less it happens. I don't answer text messages unless I want to. We might be mothers, but we are not banks, restaurants, laundry mats, taxi drivers, etc.
Mine have grown up quite a bit since I've set and kept my boundaries. I don't pay for lawyers, fines, bonds, cars, insurance, phones - nothing any longer. They are adults and if they have money for substances, by golly - they can find the means to pay for other things.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Straight and to the point Iamhere I like it! Ignatuh you are doing great stick with it, you love your daughter and your changes will create a good change. linsc
