The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just a few hours ago my husband once again told me he's going out to drink with his friends this friday evening. I didn't say a word, I was caught unguarded at that moment and I don't know how to react so I just froze as though I heard nothing, naturally he didn't like my reaction. I just said I will not have a conversation with you on the drinking subject. I am not feeling well now as if I lost all the energy I have and I feel I just wanted to sleep right away. I don't like what I'm feeling, I wanted to scream. I don't like what's happening to me. This is how I was before Al-anon and it seems the tools are not working right now. My husband noticing something is wrong with me and sensing that this is again all about his drinking is trying to put up a fight. I just wanted to run away from this situation
I understand. You did great by coming here. Can you get to a meeting? Can you focus on One Day at a Time? Any type of exercise might help calm the immediate feelings, at least that's what I found. Just keep reaching out to people who understand. You are not alone.
I understand that feeling; what helps for me is remembering to stay in right now. I loved what BF suggested here the other day, that you write your worries on paper and tear them off and throw the ones you can do nothing about right now into the garbage. That's my new go-to tool.
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I know how you feel, I truly do. Its awful, that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach and the adrenalin pumping through, the mind goes blank and you just want to run and run. Its horrible, the worst feeling ive ever experienced. Thank God, I have tools now. I hope you have too. If not get them in Alanon. Now if this comes what I do is phone my sponsor or an alanon friend who will let me vent without judgement or advice that will confuse me and get rid of some of the feelings where I can get to a calmer place. The serenity prayer over and over for a wee while helps. Writing it out in a letter to him brings me back to compassion, forgiveness and then me. Back to me and my life. What do I want to do? go for a swim, do the dishes? meet a friend? anything thats about me and is good for me and my life. Use the slogans, Let Go and Let Go. You cant do anything about it so leave him to the universe. If your worried about him imagine a big blanket and wrap him up and give him up to your higher power or just nature. Live and Let Live is another one, that lets me let him live his own choices and I can live mine. Take care and your not alone in this. We are with you and willing you to get some help.x
The only active Al-anon group in my country is a plane ride away from me. There's only one Al-anon friend I call on but sad to say we don't share similar story. I was not able to run from the situation. Last night my husband continued to make negative, annoying, sarcastic comments towards me. As I've said I can't seem to make the tools work. I told him I just wanted to sleep as I'm not feeling well. He keeps on asking what made me not to feel well. I said let's just talk in the morning but he insisted that it be now. Feeling so tired and wanted to get over the situation I said ok if you say so even if I know it was really a bad time to talk. And so what I was afraid to happen happened. We had an ugly, horrible fight like we used to before. He threatened to hit me and once again I was wild with anger and I started to hit him madly and yes he hit me back. The more I flared and once again I dropped the words of separation and asked him to leave. I fell asleep as I was so exhausted mentally and physically. I was hoping he'll just go away and be gone. I woke up earlier than usual and found him sleeping beside me. I left our room and here I am writing. As I write now I sensed he's already awake. I am praying to God to help me, but I seem so far from Him
Glad you came back. Are you OK? Is there anywhere else you can go, to take a break at least for awhile?
I wish I had great ESH to share with you, but mostly I just identify with you. It is very difficult when you tell someone you are tired, that you don't want to talk now, and they will not leave you alone. I have been there many times with my husband, and I never figured out what to do, to protect my boundaries in that situation. (I eventually moved out.)
Hang in there... keep consciously turning this over to your HP... know that we are here for you.
I don't know what my husband's point or ploy is at telling my mom that he went to the hospital to have his ears checked for injury. He told my mom that I hit him so hard in his ears and he was afraid it was damaged. He told my mom that we had a brawl last night and that I was hitting him. My mom asked me if it was true. I didn't deny but didn't elaborate on what happened because I was really sorry for what happened. I was provoked and I was not supposed to get even by hitting back. I'm sorry that I was not able to control myself. I wanted to say sorry to my husband but I know that it will do more harm than good, for sure that sorry will give him more opportunity to be mean at me. I am going to church later and make a confession, it's the most I can do for now. Should we have an opportunity I think I will have to talk with my husband that it will be best for us to separate than for us to be hurting each other again and again. I pray for God's guidance and wisdom and may He make things work for the best.
((jocelgo)) I am so sorry that this is going on. There is never any excuse for violence because,as you have unfortunately discovered, violence begets violence. Saying "I am sorry" is a start, however establishing principles within ourselves so as never to allow ourselves to be provoked again is also necessary.
Defusing an "automatic reaction" can happen by using an alanon tool such as :"let go and let god," the serenity prayer and walking away. Accepting our powerlessness over people, places and things permits us to stop reacting and respond in a healthy fashion to situations. I do hope that you can find a safe place.
Last night I went to church and made a confession, part of my spirituality. The church has always been a "safe" place for me. By allowing myself to be provoked I did not only hurt my husband, I also hurt myself and God. That is one area I yet have to work on myself. This morning I got a chance to tell my husband that if we will not be able to work on avoiding triggers that leads to violent fights it would be better for us to separate than to hurt each other. I know he heard what I said but he quickly evaded prolonging the talk, I left it at that. I already told him the night before that he should avoid talking me into liking and approving of his drinking occasions. For now it would be best that we do not talk about it. I still have to work on accepting but not enabling, most of the time I get frozen. I just wanted to "flight". I find Al-anon, with all the materials that I find available, working in my life, it works if I work on it. This board is helping me as a venue for sharing and I'm really grateful to all of you, for your ESHs. It's hard though going thru this without a meeting and a sponsor. Inasmuch as I would like to, there's still none in my country. The insights I get from my mother, family and friends sometimes confuses me. They have no idea of what Al-anon is and I think their concept of alcoholism is not as wide as what I've learned so far. They're the nearest persons I could run to in times of crisis, but sometimes what I hear from them adds up to the crisis I am already going thru.
