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My brother has been an alcoholic for probably fourty years. He has many drunk driving violations and should probably be in jail for many years. I also believe he has mental illness. He is out on two separate bails and if found would definitely go to jail. He is in a remote location and now does not have a car or any money. He told me today he has not eaten in a couple of days because he cannot get to store. Later in the day he told me someone brought him to store today for a couple of days of food. I recently sent him money for car repairs. I sent him food from Amazon today. He is now in need of money for a car so he can get work. I feel tortured for the last many years. I love him and he really has no one left to help him. I feel like I would have such a wonderful life if not for his situation for many years. I just do not know what to do. I think about him from when I get up in the morning until Ineventually fall asleep. I am sorry this is so long but I just do not know where to turn or what to do. I cannot let someone I love starve. pLease give me some of your wisdom.
Hi Sunny welcome to MIP Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic progressive disease that an be arrested but never cured We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
AA is the recovery program for the person who drinks and because the disease affects the entire family alanon is the recovery program for family members Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
I urge you to search out these meetings and attend . It is here that I learned how to interact with the disease in a healthy fashion while still taking care of myself.
I'm sorry you are facing this but glad you have found us.
My experience is that if we give money to those who are caught up in addiction, very often they used that money to buy more drink or drugs rather than to use it for food, fuel, etc. That's how strong the addiction is.
So I like the idea of sending food via Amazon - so you can know he's getting fed. I don't know his situation or your situation or the wisdom of getting him transportation. I do know that if you decide to do it, pay the money directly to whoever he would pay it to - or else he will likely use the money for drink and then he still won't have transportation. I've been through that experience all right.
I hope there are also some resources in your area you can direct him to - soup kitchens, food banks, etc.
I hope also that you have a face-to-face meeting? These are painful situations and we need all the support we can get. In addition the tools of Al-Anon help us navigate the many complicated decisions of dealing with someone who is not looking out for themselves.
Welcome to MIP Sonny123.....glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am sorry for the disease in your brother and agree with what's been shared. My hope is you will look for and attend some local Al-Anon meetings. Getting support in your local area from others who truly understand what you feel and your fears was a huge gift for me.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can so relate to all you have said here. When we are affected by the disease of alcoholism we get sicker and sicker and the symptoms are obsession with the drinker. We think about them all the time and above all else and above everyone else including ourselves and our own lives. We become enablers or fixers with an overwhelming desire to control and its because we are driven by our own fears of the drinker starving or losing their jobs or dying or whatever but its real fears to us and often not based on the hard facts of what is really going on. We are in denial. We play the role of victim martyr and resentment and anger builds along with hopelessness.
There is hope, Alanon is where I got to recover from all these symptoms and I have claimed my life back. I learned that it was wrong of me to act on my fears. To take charge and control just to make me feel better when in fact the only way to truly help and love the drinker is to let them fall completely. Let them go hungry if its their choice to not buy food. Thats the natural consequence that you are preventing. Let them not have a car if they have spent their money on drink, thats the natural consequence and humans need these. They teach us lessons, vital lessons. While you are being his keeper he has no desire to learn the lessons or make the necessary changes to make his life better and more comfortable. Stop stealing his discomfort, it could be the thing that takes him to AA or at least to grow up and take responsibility for himself and his own life.
Would you believe someone if they told you that everything you do for him is actually harming him and could kill him? and letting him suffer the consequences of his own choices and behaviour could safe him from his misery? What have you got to lose?
Sonny I forgot to mention that you can call the police and request a "wellness check". If they discvoer the conditions in which he is living are unsafe they will contact social services.
I thank you so much for your response and do understand what you are saying. The problem is that I think he is facing jail for the rest of his life. I just do not think it is possible to ever fix all of the problems he has gotten himself into. I know his brain is not well anymore. It is just so heartbreaking.
Of course I don't have any idea what your brother's situation is as regards jail, but just to say that if he is in danger of dying because of self-neglect or starvation, jail may not be the worst choice in the world. Again you know what the situation is and I don't, so disregard if this isn't appropriate to the circumstances.
Thank you for the advice Maddie. I just don't know what the answer is. I may try to go to an al anon meeting. I have thought about this for years and have just not gone yet. My brother has just been so heartbreaking to me for so many years. I just feel for him. He was a really good person and the disease has just destroyed him as well as our family dynamics. I no longer speak to the rest of my family due to this ongoing situation. I can't even ask them for advice so I really appreciate any and all advice. it just goes from one bad situation to another.
(((Sonny))) - sorry to hear of all that you've gone through. As terrible as jail sounds, my qualifiers spent some time there. It sounds so strange to say this but knowing they were in a controlled environment gave me much better sleep than when they were not.
Just food for thought - keep coming back and by all means - I would certainly go to Al-Anon meetings! That was my lifeline when I first found Al-Anon...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your kind words. I do understand what you are saying. I could probably accept the thought of jail as a temporary option but I think he would be spending many years there. Probably the rest of his life since he is not a young man. I suppose I am just trying to delay the inevitable.
Hi Sonny123 I am sorry you are going through this. As much as we do not want our loved ones to be in jail enabling the chaos the goes along with the hiding also enables the disease. I love my polysubstance abusing and alcoholic son very much, he is my first born, it breaks my heart to see him in and out of jail. He is facing drug court very soon and he will have to go to rehab or go to prison. I shared this in a face to face Nar-Anon meeting once and gained the insight to let go and let God. It is not your job to delay the inevitable. I hope you keep coming back.
I am not going to mince words here. I personally would send the cops right after him. I would not aid a fugitive to avoid the law even if it was my brother. Sending him food is not going to save him from dying of alcoholism. His having to go to jail for offenses he committed might.
