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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> my mum is in danger and I don't know what to do and how to do it
Post Info TOPIC: my mum is in danger and I don't know what to do and how to do it
gribouille2701


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my mum is in danger and I don't know what to do and how to do it
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Hi everyone.

 

I'm 34 and my mum is 59, she has been drinking for twenty years now. At first it was in the evening, then during the whole weekend and when she lost her job, it started in the morning too. These last years it got worse, to the point that last year we had to take her to hospital because of cirrhosis and other problems. She stayed 4 months in hospital because she couldn't walk nor stand anymore, alcool had damaged her nerves. She complained being there every single day, at first we visited her every day but then she was moved to another hospital further from my home and it was harder for me to go every day (with a 6 month baby), I washed her clothes, dod her shopping, visited her, cared for her, it was hard because she also lost her memory, doctors think she has korsakoff so she's very confused and doesn't recognise me well etc.. Then she got home, at first it was ok, it was hard to see her diminished, she looked like an old lady who didnt know where she was.. but she managed..more or less then she complained that she felt really depressed, she didn't stop having nightmares of death (many people around her died), she couldn't stand to be tired all the time, she was sleeping a lot of the time.

All this time, even in hospital she denied drinking.. it drove me crazy cos it was ridiculous.. she told me I was a bad child because I had told family that she had an alcohol issue, as if they didnt know already..

I basically took everything in the face for what? for ten days she has been acting weird, my brother and I thought she had been drinking again, cos for once she didnt ask me to go shopping for her, she was delivered at home from the grocery nearby. For ten days she doesnt want us to come, while before she asked us to come every day, she didn't call anymore while before she called ten times a day, she had her drunken voice, so we knew but hoped it wasnt what we thought it was. To be sure I went to the grocery store to ask them, we've known them for years and they know who my mum is. and I was right, she started drinking again in spite of everything we told her, that she could die, that it was bad to take wiht her medication, in spite of everything we did for her. I just cant believe it! and we expected it somehow because the doctors warned us but when she got home she kept saying that she didnt want to drink and she stuffed herself with biscuits instead.

 

so now what can I do? I havent seen her in almost two weeks, I guess she must be drinking and sleeping all the time, I dont know how long before she can't stand up anymore like the first time. I dont know.. she clearly wants to die and I dont know if I have to let her or try to save her again and again and again..

 

I'm so mad...



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hotrod


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Hi and welcome to Miracles in Progress. Glad that you found us and had the courage to reach out. I can readily identify with your anxiety, sadness and fear as  I too lived with the disease of alcoholism that reached epic proportion, regardless of what I did, said or did not do.

 

Unfortunately, alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. It can be arrested and never cured. Once I accepted the fact that I was powerless over the disease, did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it, I searched out a recovery program for myself so that I could learn how to live with the insanity of this disease produces. Al-Anon is that program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. I urge you to attend at least six meetings before deciding if the program is for you.

 

Is at these meetings that I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, trust a power greater than myself, while be gentle and kind to all. You are not alone so please keep coming back

 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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missmeliss


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It does sound really difficult but, you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
And I think, deep down, underneath her illness your mother would likely not want you to feel miserable and responsible for her, she'd want you to be as happy as you can be and take the best care of yourself that you can. That's where al-anon can help.
Hugs.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Freetime


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I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through.  I understand your anger; I have felt the same way when trying to care for someone afflicted by this disease.  

You know how, on an airplane, they tell you that in case of emergency to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put one on someone else?  For me, that was the approach I took with the help of Al-Anon tools.  I had to realize that I was in pain and I deserved my own recovery.

I came to the conclusion that what I could do for the other person was make sure they had access to medical care and a safe place to live -- not with me -- and that anything else I would have to leave to other powers.   I did try to control their access to alcohol, but I discovered that was futile.

This is a hard, painful road we walk with a sick alcoholic loved one ... but there is help to lighten the burden and hope for a brighter day.  By embracing the Al-Anon program I was able to take baby steps toward detachment with love ... believe me, this took a while as it is was not easy when I'd been in so much pain and seen my loved one decline.  But it saved my sanity, and in that way made things somewhat easier for my loved one.

The slogans that helped me most were the three C's (I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it) ... but I can control myself,  I can change myself, I can cure myself.   And taking things One Day at a Time.

Hugs, and keep coming back here.  You will see a lot of wisdom.

 



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el-cee


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Im sorry you are going through this. I second everything hotrod has suggested. Alanon meetings and support will help you.

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Iamhere


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gribouille2701 - I too want to welcome you to MIP - so glad you found us and so sorry for the state of your mother. I too am suggesting find local Al-Anon meetings and seeing if it helps. In Al-Anon, you can share without judgement and without advice - others will share the ESH (experience, strength & hope) to help you cope and manage and give you the freedom to decide your path as it best fits your needs.

I am in the reverse scenario - what brought me here was my son. And, my second son also followed the path of addiction. It took a long time for me to accept I was powerless over others, and detaching with love was the best course of action for my life. It took me even longer to set boundaries - one of which is I can't worry/work harder for your future that you are.

Huge (((Hugs))) for you - it's a devastating disease and it's hard to watch one you love progress in it. Know that you are not alone and there is hope and peace in hanging with others in similar circumstances.

Keep coming back - we're just a post away!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Jerry F


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Aloha gribouille and welcome to the MIP family.  What has already been spoken to you is spot on and also what I learned when I first arrived in Al-Anon.  Just one other suggestion which might work...might...is to contact the local AA in your area and find out if they have service workers that will go out and speak with your Mom.  I've seen it happen before and have even participated in that process.  I am a double, a  member of both Al-Anon and AA.  One of the wonders of our 12 step 12 tradition program is how we support each other unconditionally.  Try the suggestion and see what comes about from it.   In love and service.   ((((hugs)))) smile 



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