Enabler question, unrelated HP musing, and a question about books - Al-Anon Family Group

Fedora · Senior Member

Enabler question, unrelated HP musing, and a question about books

FHP · Member

Hi Fedora,

I'm so new to Al Anon I have nothing to share about your first two questions, but I did find a place that sells the books:

ecomm.al-anon.org/shop

I found that link on this site, on the tab called literature:

al-anon.org/

I do really like your comment, "I can't control it, so why raise my blood pressure?" That's something that speaks to me.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am a bit worried about your counselor. Over the course of my time with my alcoholic husband (now ex) we saw four counselors. All of them were well-meaning and probably would have been good counselors for non-drinkers. It sounded like all of them had done a week or so on alcoholism in their training, in other words none of them had any specialized knowledge or close-up experience with it. They tried to use the techniques for non-drinkers on alcoholics. I have to say this delayed my understanding of alcoholism for years. The counselors believed what my alcoholic said - so when he said "Okay, I'll give up drinking, no problem, I'm not dependent on alcohol anyway!" they believed him and thought the problem was solved and I was some kind of neurotic crank for saying, "He's not going to do this! I've heard this so many times before!" When I'd say, "He hides bottles under the bed and in the basement" and he'd say, "She's delusional," they'd say, "Now Mattie, how do you feel about his point of view?" We went round in circles because they didn't see that reasoning with alcoholism is reasoning with crazy.

I now know that many counselors who have actual experience with alcoholism have a boundary where they won't take clients with alcoholism unless their clients are also working a formal recovery program such as AA.

Confronting an alcoholic about his drinking is, in my experience, only going to lead to denial and an argument. I believe the Al-Anon response to that situation would be the 1st step - we are powerless over alcohol - and "He's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?"

I worry that your counselor may think that if you do not do this confrontation thing, you are "not really trying" - whereas I would call it "Avoiding drama and unnecessary frustration." I wonder if she is a young or inexperienced counselor. Although one of ours was actually quite experienced.

About religion - many people in Al-Anon and AA do not believe in a formal big God up in the heavens. That is no impediment to being in the program. As for why your A would insist on a Christian counselor, who knows? He would be the one to know why he thinks it's necessary. My experience, again, would be that it wouldn't matter if he's Christian, Hindu, or an alien with a tinfoil hat, he won't have much impact if he's advising an active drinker who won't acknowledge his drinking or enter a recovery program.

Take good care of yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Fedora)) I second all that Mattie posted and would just like to say that Alanon, being a spiritual program and not a religious one, I was able to define my own HP (as suggested).

I used the program, the tools and principles of alanon as my HP. They helped me to live my life with more courage, serenity and wisdom than I ever had. I had no problem believing in this program as I witnessed the results.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Fedora and welcome to the family...I love the post and I can relate. My response was that I had to learn some how and had to use the ESH I had at that time while adding the ESH from the membership in the program most of who came from varied backgrounds and experiences. I was told such, "Do the best you can with what you have" and "Act as if" (you know what we know).

"Keep and OPEN MIND" which is mentioned at the ending of our meetings, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" and "Get a sponsor, Have a sponsor, Use your sponsor"...and so many other suggestions which came from the shares in Al-Anon and Al-Anon and Other literature. Yes I also had counselors to learn from and then to mimic and yes I went to college to know about the diseases of addiction and onward had a career as a Behavioral Health Counselor working with many affected by the disease.

I came to the awareness that I was a dumb as a stick and didn't know anything about the disease and didn't even know that I didn't even know. I found out later I was born and raised in it and that my entire family on both sides were deeply affected...altered species LOL.

I had to start somewhere and finally found that start in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and then 9 years later included AA...yes that is how much I didn't know and didn't know that even. No problem...if you don't ....you don't know. Did I enable? yeppers and that isn't a sin the disease needs enablers I found out later which is the engine of the Merry go round named denial. Once I found out my part in it I did what I was learning about how to stop my part...the disease waved good bye and kept right on going...it does that and I am powerless over it...other than my part in it.

You can only do today what little you know about...don't fret it cause as you keep looking, learning and practicing you will gain and learn more and do much better. Keep coming back here and find a home meeting to attend regularly and help on with. Feed your courage and practice your commitment. (((((hugs))))) smile

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