The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel scared. I finally "get" how serious an enabler I have been with my Adult Child and I don't know how to transition in the midst of everything. I feel very strongly that if I had set boundaries earlier that things would have been better and my son would be in a healthier place. No matter what anyone can say to me - therapist or alanon support - I know it's my fault. If I had been a strong confident whole person when my children were little, I would have left my husband and created a life with healthy boundaries for my children - their lives would have been happier and healthier for them. I don't need someone to say I'm good and I did my best. My mistakes are fact. Right now I'm still weak. I give in to the slightest bullying because I immediately feel mixed up and upset - afraid that whatever I do at that critical point will have consequences that I will have caused by making the wrong choice. I feel trapped and want to run. I want to sell everything I own; abandon my apartment; go away; close my eyes and ears and not look back. I feel like I just can't take it. I'm so blasted weak and so upset. It's unfair to pull the plug on someone you have made dependent on you but I can see clearly now and know the best thing I can do is let him feel the consequences of his own actions regardless of the fact that he wouldn't be where he is today if I had been a better Mother, healthier Mother, etc. So, I have to pay the price of watching him pay the price. He can't hear anything from me now - doesn't believe anything I say - doesn't trust me - hates me although I know down deep he loves me. Anyway, doing the right thing at this point is scary; makes my stomach sick and I want to run but there is no where I can go.
Welcome JuliAn, I have felt as you do and after attending alanon for a while my sponsor suggested that I could beat myself up over the past, continue to ruin my life or I could work the Steps,(designed for us to make peace with the past) and accept the simple fact that the Past is in the past and no amount of anxiety or fear or running away will change the facts.
"Changed attitudes" about the past and our actions will change how we see the past and how we respond in the present and future. Learning the lessons from the past is the insurance from repeating it. I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings and dive in so as to develop new tools to live by.
We cannot think ourselves into a better life; we must live each day into better thinking.
Am I living myself into a new life?
Love this concept from the Sanskrit Poem: "Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow only a vision but today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well to this day.
I can so relate to all you have shared here. I was also and have the potential to be an excellent enabler. My son is also a drinker, hes 22 now.
'I feel very strongly that if I had set boundaries earlier that things would have been better and my son would be in a healthier place. No matter what anyone can say to me - therapist or alanon support - I know it's my fault. If I had been a strong confident whole person when my children were little, I would have left my husband and created a life with healthy boundaries for my children - their lives would have been happier and healthier for them.'
I could have written these words and in fact Im sure I did at one point. Its true if I had set boundaries earlier my own son would have been i a healthier place too but I didnt! So, the choices are, beat yourself up forever, what a wicked Mother you have been and all the rest of it or except you werent perfect. I never set the boundaries because I was sick with the disease of alcoholism. His father is an alcoholic and I got sick over the years so the reality is my son had a sick Mother. I didnt have it to give him. Plain and simple. Am I evil, bad, etc. No, I was just sick and I was still doing the best with what I had and what I knew. I am better, know better so now I am doing better and Im now the Mother I was meant to be. A great one, thanks to Alanon.
I should have left earlier too but hey I didnt. I clung on to the hope that it would all be okay and he would get sober.
' I feel trapped and want to run. I want to sell everything I own; abandon my apartment; go away; close my eyes and ears and not look back. I feel like I just can't take it. I'm so blasted weak and so upset.'
I said this too, felt like I wanted to turn my car into the nearest wall. That was my bottom. I surrendered all my ideas that I could fix it all!!! My ego was put back in its place. You are not God. Your son was more than likely genetically predisposed to this disease and the perfect childhood may not have saved him either. I truly feel you are in the perfect place to get to Alanon and read and read and soak it in, believe it like your life depends on it.
It's unfair to pull the plug on someone you have made dependent on you but I can see clearly now and know the best thing I can do is let him feel the consequences of his own actions regardless of the fact that he wouldn't be where he is today if I had been a better Mother, healthier Mother, etc. So, I have to pay the price of watching him pay the price. He can't hear anything from me now - doesn't believe anything I say - doesn't trust me - hates me although I know down deep he loves me. Anyway, doing the right thing at this point is scary; makes my stomach sick and I want to run but there is no where I can go
Good on you. It felt like this for me too. I put my son out. Felt like the most evil Mother on the planet, worried sick but this forum and my program kept me up and doing the right thing and guess what? It didnt get any worse. It actually got a bit better and then a lot better for everyone. Especially me! My son is still drinking and the consequences keep coming, they are less dramatic and less crazy and less frequent now Ive taken my big interfereing hands away and out and I will continue and finally. Im loving my son properly, appropriately and detaching is with love. Keep coming back. What have you got to lose?
Detachment is truly a blessing when we do it right. I know it has been for me and for my RAH. I used to emasculate him by taking away his opportunity to make his own decisions. I was wrong for this, but allowing him to be responsible for himself and his own actions has been a blessing to us both. Now I am not mad about doing what I feel he should do for himself and he is not feeling like I have no trust in his abilities as a person, a man, or a husband. It was a win, win for us, despite some rough consequences for a while.
Welcome to MIP JuliAn - so glad you found us and glad that you shared with us. Both of my boys are my qualifiers, they are now 24 and 22. I felt as you felt and though as you thought when I arrived here - I was beaten down, confused, sad, mad and just drained - emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. I found almost immediate comfort in the three C's - I did not cause this, I can not control this and I can not cure it.
Working this program to the best of my ability has given me the strength to detach with love and set up boundaries that are for self-protection and not punishment. Mine were both juveniles when I found Al-Anon, and it was very difficult to get my mind to understand the principles and suggestions. However, I managed and they became adults and they no longer live with me. I must admit, I miss them (as the sweet boys before this disease) but not the disease/drama/chaos.
I am a double winner, and am married to an alcoholic. We actually met in recovery and were both sober 6+ years when we married. Between the birth of our boys, he relapsed and never returned to the program. I did not and have remained true to my recovery. It was easy before Al-Anon to look at our family, and blame him for our dysfunction. After all, he's the one who .......(insert everything you've ever blamed on yours here) and I've been a good mother and committed to recovery and ....
What I discovered by getting honest and working this program is I played a role in the chaos/insanity of the disease. I stopped looking outside myself for fault, joy, peace, reasons, happiness and everything and instead worked hard to focus on me and what I could change. Al-Anon saved my sanity and my life and I now have peace and joy - no matter what they are or are not doing.
There is hope - there is always hope!! Please keep coming back - you are worth it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Your post has triggered some awesome responses and we all get to learn along with you. I thank you for that.
So much about alcoholism is counterintuitive to what I was taught to expect in life.
One of the first symptoms I noticed of how my husband's alcoholism had affected me was when I realised how I took responsibility for things that were not mine to control and how tough I was on myself as a result of 'failing' to prevent weird stuff from happening.
I disliked myself a lot for a while and then I realised that I had to live with me for the rest of my life and I searched out ways to get back to doing things that I enjoyed and disengaged from arguments or trying to control the behaviour of others.
We have choices and learning to trust myself, and to value my own well-being really helped me to learn new ways of dealing with stuff that I used to think was completely overwhelming.
Welcome JuliAn! I so can relate to you. My main qualifier is my 24 yr. old daughter. When I realized and faced the fact that I was an awful enabler I could have just drowned in the feelings of guilt. The good news is there was no place to go but up after that.
I took baby steps, consciously asking myself as each potential issue arose 1) Is this my business? 2) Is this something she should be doing for herself? This allowed me to slowly cease my seemingly endless controlling/enabling.
It was said in a meeting that "I am not my qualifier's higher power-they already have one of their own" and that was just a light bulb moment for me. As parents we do and do and do some more forgetting that our children are growing to adulthood and that if we keep doing everything it will ruin their ability to do for themselves and make them feel as though we don't trust them to be able to do for themselves.
Still one of my biggest issues,a struggle. Face to face meetings and this board have been illuminating to say the least. I hope you can seek meetings in your area.
Aloha Julie and welcome to the board. I know you are a newbie and I have hope for you cause I remember when I was a newbie and came into Al-Anon with so many ill conceived impressions and beliefs. I had myself as a teacher and didn't know anything about alcoholism and drug abuse. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know so I walked into many walls with the only awareness that "it hurt". Because I didn't know I would not blame a lot for fear that I would be wrong again and so I went after myself constantly until my only emotional aspect was depression...I couldn't win and wouldn't win and I was suicidal. I followed the suggestions in the program and after looking for a while got a sponsor who knew about this disease and how it affects its victims and he arrived at the point where he would ask me, "Who do you think your are that you are so powerful and can control the thoughts, feelings, behaviors and attitudes of others. Do they not have their own choices"? I attempted to rely upon the "but you don't understand" response to which he responded "Could you be wrong"? Coming to learn about myself till then I didn't dare answer "No" and so I was wrong and often and still at times am still which is temporary...I can change me and no one else. One of the consequences of this disease is loss of self confidence and then it will turn us upon ourselves at which point I sounded much like yourself here. I dishonored my alcoholics and disrespected them by accepting their responsibilities when they had the time, ability and facility to be responsible.
My alcoholic son busted thru the family group to see his new born grandson last night charging in for first even before those who had abided with the parents all day "as if" he was entitled. I had flashes of anger and my spirit told me "there will be a time for your response...not here at this ceremony". He charged in and then disappeared just as the disease dictates. He is 50 years old...seemingly still the "king baby" and not my job. I will speak with him not to correct him and to advise him of the impression he left on his father without me scolding or yelling. He is alcoholic/addict and that is his main value system today. He knows how to complain about others so he knows he also offers the same opportunities at time.
I agree with the membership that suggest the program...the entire program and then see how it comes out. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Welcome JuliAn, I have felt as you do and after attending alanon for a while my sponsor suggested that I could beat myself up over the past, continue to ruin my life or I could work the Steps,(designed for us to make peace with the past) and accept the simple fact that the Past is in the past and no amount of anxiety or fear or running away will change the facts.
"Changed attitudes" about the past and our actions will change how we see the past and how we respond in the present and future. Learning the lessons from the past is the insurance from repeating it. I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings and dive in so as to develop new tools to live by.
We cannot think ourselves into a better life; we must live each day into better thinking.
Am I living myself into a new life?
Love this concept from the Sanskrit Poem: "Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow only a vision but today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well to this day.
Keep coming back.
Definitely need to work on attitude toward past, it's only way I've been able to turn things around with my girls, 12 and 15, and be a good mother to them. I have an older daughter I made wrong choices with and now she not talk to me. But younger two love and cherish my relationship with them
