The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So it's been a long time since I have been on this site. My alcoholic/addict wife has had many relapses over the yers, some. About a year ago I got my own place due to her heavy drinking and using at home, after about 6 months of living separately and her with some clean time she gradually started to move back in with me and my son. The condition was that she would not drink/use or be messed up at home. Last weekend came and she went camping with some classmates at the community college, she didn't come home the day she said she would, and instead came home the next day after our son was at daycare and I was at work. When I came home from work she was truly falling down drunk. Not wanting to start a fight at the time I waited til the next day to discuss the promise she had made and that she would have to leave if she broke it again. Well today, she skipped work and stayed home, when I found her in bed drunk I told her she needed to leave (our son was in the other room watching cartoons). She somewhat hesitantly but without argument grabbed her hidden bottle and some clothes and walked out of the house stopping at the door to tell our son that she had to leave but not offering an explanation.
I feel like I have run out of options and been pushed against all of my boundaries, it's becoming virtually impossible to see a scenario where we have a functioning family unit. Things just keep falling apart. I don't know what to do, I feel like I have to stick to my guns and have her move out completely, but I don't know how we can possibly be a family living in separate places. I wish I knew the answer.
HI Lupo I am sorry that your partner's alcoholism is active once again. I believe that you are handling the situation with great courage and wisdom.
It is extremely difficult o attempt to hold a family together while living with the disease. Keep using your alanon tools, attending meetings, trusting HP and keep coming back.
Lupo - I too am sorry that you are living with the disease active again. The answers never come fast nor easy but they do arrive if we can find clarity and sanity again. My hope is that you are able to get to some meetings and kick-up your program efforts. You deserve peace as does your child. Wanting a united family is a great 'want' - perhaps your idea of united family will change as you process.
For me, I've decided that my idea of 'family' are those I love and enjoy spending time with. Because of the effects of this disease, most of my family today are not blood. I still love my blood family however I've expanded my frame of reference and definition, mostly due to this program.
You are not alone - we're all just a post away! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You're right, you have to stick to your boundaries if you want her to see that you're serious and not violate them left and right. And you also need to stick to boundaries so a drunk person is not in charge of a child. That is dangerous for the child, and also I should say that I've heard of circumstances where courts regard leaving a child in the care of an obviously drunk person as irresponsible behavior.
"Families" look like all sorts of things. They come in twenty or thirty different shapes. Parents who live separately are, what, 50% of the families in the U.S.? Yet it's not true that those children don't have families. Your wife is sadly not in shape to be a responsible or responsive mother, and sadly you cannot change that. But you can still give your child a loving and responsible upbringing. The studies find that what a child needs to thrive even in terrible circumstances - much worse than the ones we have - is one loving person who is on their side. The picture-postcard nuclear family isn't an essential, and that's a good thing, because who has one? Hardly anyone.
I hope you'll find a good face-to-face meeting if you don't have one already. The support and tools are vital for weathering this insanity. Hang in there.
Aloha Lupo and welcome back to the family...sad that you got hooked into her relapse if she had ever gotten clean and sober and then what you and she are going thru is the true nature of the disease of addiction; the compulsion with an allergy. My alcoholic/addict wife got sober and clean after every crises event and then went back out 100 percent. When I learned about the disease aspect I treated her with compassion and empathy and separated company then divorced. All of the responses were choices I learned after I thought I had none. After the divorce both she and I admitted we loved each other and had no justification for being married so we parted. I got into Al-Anon fill time and live the program, steps, traditions, slogans and the like on as many levels as I am able. Recovery is life and I decided to get one. Hope to heard more from you. (((((hugs)))))
I remained married to my alcoholic husband for 20 years. As my kids became pre-teens and teens, I started to realize that I could be a healthier mother if I removed them from the situation on a full time basis. My husband and I were separated 2 years before we divorced. I was recovering in Al-Anon and creating a new healthier environment for my impressionable kids. He continued his normal - has yet to find an AA room, and is now engaged to the girl who introduced us 25 years ago. However, I have a good relationship with him, we are STILL a family unit- just 'different' than what society likes to dictate as 'normal'. The kids stay with their father every other weekend, and get together with him one night a week. He attends lacrosse games and other activities. The kids are young adults now - are fully aware and compassionate about their father's drinking. But they love him, he loves them how he 'can'. My older daughter was defending divorce to a friend not too long ago, and she said that she respects and admires her mom's courage to end a marriage to someone she loved in order to create a healthier environment for herself and her children. Somehow we managed to do this and remain a family intact. I was able to re-define what 'intact' means - and it has worked out wonderfully for us. My children are thriving into amazing adults.
This is not meant to tell you what you 'should' do - I am just sharing my perspective because of what I have lived. I was where you are now. I never could have imagined the turn the last 6 years would take, but it is very clear to me that my Higher Power has my back always.
Keep coming back,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
However, I have a good relationship with him, we are STILL a family unit- just 'different' than what society likes to dictate as 'normal'. The kids stay with their father every other weekend, and get together with him one night a week. He attends lacrosse games and other activities. The kids are young adults now - are fully aware and compassionate about their father's drinking. But they love him, he loves them how he 'can'. My older daughter was defending divorce to a friend not too long ago, and she said that she respects and admires her mom's courage to end a marriage to someone she loved in order to create a healthier environment for herself and her children. Somehow we managed to do this and remain a family intact. I was able to re-define what 'intact' means - and it has worked out wonderfully for us. My children are thriving into amazing adults.