The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend (AB?) for about 7 months now. The first 3 months I was clueless. I knew something was up because he had mentioned that he USED TO be an alcoholic, but it wasn't until me and his mom took him to the emergency room in December and found out that his BAL was 8 times over the limit that I realized how serious his problem was. He went through detox over Christmas and has moved back home with his parents since he was released from detox. They took away his car but he had somehow still managed to get alcohol a few times. Each time, it became harder for me to make an excuse to stay with him, but also harder to leave. I mean, I don't want to do deal with an alcoholic for the rest of my life, but I also know that everyone has their thing that other people have to put up with.
His parents (who would drive him to-from work) have gone to Mexico for the next 12 days, and he just received his 1 month chip at the AA group we attend on Saturday. Today, he brought me lunch to my work (he is a super sweet, perfect guy except for his A problem), and I smelt alcohol on his breath. It took me a while to get him to be honest with me but eventually he told me he had gone to the liquor store and bought a little bottle of vodka.
I don't know what I should do. It's only been 7 months but we've already talked a lot about marriage, kids, etc...(I'm 26, he's 28) so it isn't as easy to walk away as I wish it would be. But I'm continuously flipping back and forth between looking past his one, major flaw, or moving on.
So, if anyone is in a successful marriage/relationship with an alcoholic or if you got out of a relationship with an alcoholic, I would like to hear from you. Or anyone else who has any advice on this.
I recently (last week) ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 7 months. Although we had not talked specifically about getting married, it was pretty much assumed that we were in it for the long haul. Not 5 weeks after we started dating, we professed our love for each other - and while it felt 'fast', it also felt 'right'. I look back to other dating relationships - and every person I dated since my divorce in 6 years has been a fast moving start. Just about all of them had some form of addiction, narcism or other dysfunction . Note to self: this will NOT happen again.
My exBF's addiction issue is not as glaringly apparent as yours. My exBF has a variety of substances going into his body daily - nicotine, alcohol, pot, tobacco, Xanax. I never saw him use any one substance in excess really (except alcohol at times) but when the pot became a more frequent occurrence - I started to get concerned. At the end of the day I can't label him or judge him one way or the other - all I know is how I 'feel' about his substance use. It made me uncomfortable and I realized this was not what I wanted in a partner. Kind of like - we have differing religions or other lifestyle matters that just meant... we weren't a match. And, Old familiar feelings of worry and anxiety started to come up in me. You see, I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years - together 23. HIS drinking was very apparently progressive and excessive - when we finally split up, he was drinking something like 95 beers in one week. (how crazy is it that I 'kept track' on a note paper hanging on the fridge?) My boyfriend - not so clear cut, but we did not live together and we only saw each other maybe 6-8 days a month (every other weekend we basically spent fully together, and a couple of weeknight dinners thrown in) But my gut knows what my gut knows.
When my feelings of unease with my boyfriend started , I tried to ignore, bury, dodge the feelings. But I lived this feeling of worry and anxiety for 20 years, and I knew that no matter how much I think I love and care for him, I could not sign up for it again. I had a very small heart attack almost 7 weeks ago, and I really believe that was brought on because of the bad feelings I was suppressing and avoiding because of my history with my ex-husband. I believe my Higher Power gave me a wake up call to literally 'listen to my heart'.
No one can tell you what to do in Al-Anon. What I can say is I have been in and out of this program for almost 7 years and it has been my lifeline to serenity. I will NOT be 'out' of these rooms again.
It has not been easy to end my relationship, and it has not been easy to put my needs and well being first. I believe I love/d this man and it is killing me that I hurt him. But this is about ME and how I feel, and what I want in life. I did not move on from 20 years with an alcoholic only to sign up for it again on purpose. I keep asking myself 'what do I want'?
Keep coming back here. Listen and learn - there is much wisdom to be heard here. I encourage you to attend face to face meetings in your area as well.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. I always knew he was a heavy drinker - we were friends for 10 years before dating - but there was enough of a spark between us that I wanted to see where things would go. His drinking really hasn't bothered me - he doesn't get mean or angry; he isn't abusive in any way; etc. But, a few weeks ago, he did something really stupid that was like a wake-up call for both of us. He'd never considered quitting drinking before, but he was so upset and angry about what he did that he decided he is an alcoholic and he's going to quit drinking. So far, he's done that. I'm just going to wait and see where things go. I'm not in a huge hurry to settle down for life. I was already married and divorced once. If he doesn't quit drinking, eventually we'll have to end things. For now, though, I'm happy with him. I've never had anyone treat me so well or be so kind and sweet and amazing. He pays attention to me and cares about my feelings. I love it and I love him.
It's true that everyone has their thing that other people have to put up with - but few other "things" are as devastating as alcoholism.
I've found that the first 6 months of a relationship are the "honeymoon" period, and the next 6 months are when you typically begin talking about the prospects and also seeing who the person really is after the temporary zest of that first period wears off and you settle down to real life. That's when their flaws start to become apparent. Sometimes those are minor flaws, sometimes they're deal-breakers.
One thing you'll want to consider is kids. I would bet that of all the people on these boards and in the rooms of Al-Anon, if you asked them, "Would you rather have had your kids with an alcoholic partner, or with a non-alcoholic partner?", no one would say, "Oh, it doesn't make any difference" or "Alcoholic was fine" or "No special preference for a non-alcoholic." An alcoholic parent is a terrible gift to give a child. It is a parent that is never wholly there, that will endanger their child despite their best intentions, and that will give that child a pattern of how to cope with the world. So alcoholic parents tend to lead to children who grow up to be alcoholics. Or who marry alcoholics.
It's also helpful to know that you can't trust an alcoholic with the care of a child. I imagine a great many of us have had the experience of realizing that our alcoholic was driving drunk with the children in the car. Their judgment is impaired so they don't even acknowledge that it's dangerous. My own alcoholic left our toddler alone in the house, left our toddler unsupervised around great heights that would have been fatal, failed to change diapers for 36 hours, passed out while in sole charge of our baby... I had no idea this was going on for quite some time. When I learned it, that's when I separated. But it is a miracle that our child survived all this. I should say that my A is a "functioning alcoholic" and most people don't even have any idea he has a problem. He's not one of those guys who falls over on the street. This is to make the point that even the "together" alcoholics don't have the thinking power to take care of a child.
What this means is that if you have a child together, you have to do 100% of the childcare, as if you were a single parent, but even more so - because you have to protect the child from the alcoholic. Like when he's so drunk that he doesn't know what room he's in and he goes and vomits in your kid's room. What does it do to a kid to watch his parent do that?
When we've been around an alcoholic a while, our judgment gets distorted and we don't even realize it. Do you have a face-to-face meeting? That will help provide the tools and knowledge to make the best decisions going forward. I hope you'll find one if you haven't already. And keep coming back.
-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 19th of April 2016 08:33:20 PM
BeYoutiful - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared with us. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that is never cured but can be treated through recovery. Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics, and would probably be helpful for you - you will find others who will share their ESH with you (Experience, Strength & Hope). The disease is unique to each person and affects all of 'us' differently, however many of the feelings and insanity aligns.
We work a 12 Step program, keeping the focus on us. We do not discuss our qualifier (the A who is in our life), but instead share what is happening within us. We don't offer advice but we support each other through good times and bad. The program has been able to restore me to sanity! We stay focused on one day at a time, not dwelling on the past or assuming it's a blue print for the future and we don't focus/project into the future as it's a waste of time and an unknown.
Al-Anon will give you more education about the disease and how it affects us as well as how it progresses. Staying, leaving, future, etc. - should not be a concern for today - focusing on you, settling of your emotions/mind and getting a break from the drama and chaos this disease brings might help you tons.
Today is my 25th Wedding Anniversary with my AH. We met in recovery, he relapsed 22 years ago, I stayed sober. Our path has been difficult at times and we have two sons who are also Alcoholic. However, I would not have them if I didn't have him and they love their father in spite of his disease and theirs. An alcoholic doesn't choose their illness - it just happens. They can choose recovery, but often times, it's a hard, long, life-time path that isn't possible for all. My AH coached baseball, carpooled to soccer, school and other events - which shows the disease is different for each alcoholic. And, this is why we typically don't discuss them but focus on how the disease has affected us and how we can change/recover to minimize future situations.
My husband worked for the same company for 47 years, never got fired and has been an outstanding provider. The program and a great sponsor have taught me how to live in my marriage, find joy and serenity each day in spite of what he is or is not doing and how to establish boundaries while detaching with love. Being married to an alcoholic is far from a fairy-tale life, and not for the faint at heart. But, people do it every day while others chose to leave/separate/divorce.
Keep coming back and know that you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
