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level.
As I've mentioned, daughter's father, Faceache, has organised to take daughter on a family vacation that causes her to miss school every year since she was 5.
Anyway it's made me angry for a long time; we have school holidays 4 times a year here and it's extremely simple to organise vacations during those times.
So early last year (her first year of high school) he sent me a text late on a Friday night to say his father was dying, could go any day, and he was going to take a trip to NZ to see him and if I could organise a passport for daughter "by Monday morning" (logistically impossible anyway) he would take her. Well I would have allowed it because she wanted to go, but it was an obvious set-up; in the end daughter couldn't go because I couldn't magic up a passport on the weekend with everything shut and he said it was "because mum wouldn't let you".
A few months prior to this, he had told daughter he was taking her on a trip to NZ, just daddy and daughter and she was super excited. Then, the wife decided she and the little ones were gong and I made an appointment to meet Mrs faceache at the passport office so daughter could go with them (at Mrs faceache's request). Mrs Faceache cancelled at the last minute and told me she had managed to do the paperwork without me, and then, bizarely, they went to NZ without daughter and without even telling her they were going. She was DEVISTATED. The when they got back they told her it was because "Mum wouldn't let you go". It was all super weird.
You see the pattern anyway...plan a vacation that daughter can't go on and then tell her she missed out because "mum wouldn't let her go". Sticks and stones I guess but, it's very hard to see daughter jerked around like that.
So again last year Faceache started up with this trip to Fiji notion (in the school holidays, he swore), that daughter was excited about and demanding I get her a passport so she could go. I picked up the paperwork, signed it and handed it to him (that's as much as I am willing to do) and then suddenly he changed the story to, the trip to Fiji will be during the school term. I said no. Just No. He asked repeatedly, I decided to let No be a complete sentence. Make it for the holidays or she won't be joining you. No more weeks off school for no reason. Daughter hated me. I didn't care, enough games. I doubt there ever even WAS a trip planned but he created a scenario where 'the family wanted to go to fiji and I ruined it". They never did go, never said another word about it, and, I suspect it was just a game.
THEN he told my mother they couldn't go to fiji because I wouldn't let them, and "they coudn't go during the school holidays because it was the first year of school for their son and he has different holidays and he couldn't miss school". ??????????????? At this point you just have to picture him in those stripey pyjamas, although in that particular vision for me he is in the Narcisists On Roller Skates ward of the hospital, trying to convince everyne it's me who is crazy and causing trouble. Whatever dude, just whatever. I can laugh at it, where it involves me, but I so wish he would stop making daughter miserable and playing these awful games. He isn't just irresponsible, he's effing mean to her and makes out he is poor innocent hard done by daddy who tries so hard. Mhhm.
ANYWAY.
This last weekend I spent 8 hours on Saturday taking her to see him, not fun as I had just had a complicated tooth extraction and was in monster pain, and then, on Sunday, he texted me at 12 (lunchtime) to say 'on our way back". What? Was? The Point? Of? That? She was there for maybe 18 hours and asleep for half of it? And what if I had been out when he got back on Sunday? I had actually planned to be as she is not due home until late evening. What a weird thing to do? (It's a long trip, turning up at an odd time without discussing it makes no sense).
Anyway. I decided to just be happy she was home early and we went for a nice walk by the bay etc. My gain, and hopefully hers too right?
Tonight, we went to the gym and I left my phone in the car all night. I've just checked it to find a message:
"As you know, my father is very ill. If I organise a passport for daughter can she please come to NZ, she will have to miss school".
Around and around and around and around and around. It's been a year since he last urgently needed to take daughter overseas to visit the grandfather who doesn't give a crap about her or have anything to do with her because he's "not long for this world".
There are so many reasons I don't want this to happen. 1) last time he went, apparently his wife was really upset because they went for a week to a country she'd never been to and they sat in his dads room the entire time while he drank and smoked and griped. (Yes, sounds like ex- faceache-in-law alright).
I KNOW if he goes with only daughter he will want to run amok away from Mrs Faceache, I know what he is like. He and his father both drink and drive. So does his mother for that matter. They're crazy people, even by my standards. They don't know daughter; have ever even sent her a card (not even when she was born). They are no-one to her. I don't know why he wants to take daughter with him but I suspect it's entirely selfish and entirely unhealthy for her. I don't trust him not to put her at risk, and I don't trust him not to expose her to horrid behaviour or just use her to make himself feel better because that's the only behaviour I have ever seen from him. Everyone thinks their ex is a narcissist, i know, but honestly, if I was still a gambler I'd bet the farm on him gaining an NPD diagnosis. I hate that he's such a jerk to her. I hate that he keeps creating these horrible situations and dramas. I hate disappointing her, I hate wondering how it will affect her future relationships, and really, I hate him. I want to just leave him in the past but he's always there trying to start trouble and misery for her.
I haven't decided whether to talk with her about it or not. Whatever happens, he will find a way to dissapoint her and then try to blame me. i don't really think she falls for any of that, but, still, he's like a pitbull.
Sigh.
Thanks for letting me rant.
Hugs to all.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 19th of April 2016 10:18:47 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
(((MissMel))) - so sorry for the crazy-making scenario......I know this is so not easy for you and I am sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. My brain works in such a way that if I am going to be the scape-goat for broken travel plans, I'll own it from the start and ... Just Say No.
In our home, my AH was a non-participating parent. I had to set the rules, boundaries, punishments, rewards, schedules, etc. So, when he drove to the wrong place (several times) for events, I was blamed and just let it go......I learned early on to pick my battles wisely. As my boys got older, and the risks were larger, I did all I could to manage things. However, and still to this day, to all 3 of them, I am the cause and blame for everything that did not go as planned and/or did not work the way it should.
As things got truly insane around here, I just adopted the role and learned to just say No. I would rather anger directed at me than the potential alternative...
Let Go and Let God! See if he can help you with the wisdom part of 'this'...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Not long for the world parents are common in my parts too. Though once upon a lifetime much like the wolfcrying boy of folklore, it did actually happen, and she was a beautiful lady, still miss her. If you've signed the forms, he can pay for it. And being a nz citizen myself, if the worst happened, i know from experience they issue passports on the day at standard passport rates as long as paperwork is presented. Just a bit of fact amongst all the npds crazymaking. Keep on keeping on.
((Ms.M.)) He is a real challenge, I am glad you are using your alanon tools so effectively, as you are being provided with many opportunities .
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Thanks all. I decided to discuss it with daughter this afternoon. I told her what her dad had said, and asked her if she felt she would want to go. She said yes, and that she talks to "Pop" on the phone sometimes and he sends her Christmas gifts (which I did not know). She also said that he really is dying and her dad has been pretty upset. I also discovered that he is asking if he can take her for the funeral, not to visit with him.
So, I said to daughter "If you want to go then I will say yes but, one thing I am concerned about is that if he's away with you and not his wife he might be grieving and drink too much and I'm worried about him driving under the influence with you. Do you think that's a legitimate worry or am I wrong? I didn't want to talk her in or out of it because I have very little to do with him and aside from sounding drunk on the phone a few times I wouldn't know what he gets up to. Her response surprised me a lot; she said "Oh. Dad stopped drinking a month ago" and then she kind of slumped and said 'It might not be a very good idea for me to go". I asked her about it again a bit later and she said 'I have to think about it".
I so rarely see him or talk to him these days and it sounds like there is more going on than I had realised. I don't want her to be in a position where she is worried and doesn't want to say no to him (drink driving). I also don't want him using her for emotional support. if i push her about it she will clam up so, I'll let her think for a couple of days and hopefully he doesn't push for an answer before then. I really do not like the idea at all.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 20th of April 2016 06:12:21 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh and, I will mention al-ateen. I don't think she will be receptive but you never know. She might.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Sounds like a great solution girl.....she's a wise child and knowing that you respect her enough to ask will mean so much as she continues her growth! (((Hugs))) to you both and prayers for the best possible outcome!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
