The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I visited with a friend who I've been close to for most of my life. However, in the last year I have kept most of the talk about my AH out of our conversations. I decided that I was tired of saying "everything is GREAT" when she asked about my life. So I told her what was Really going on with the spouse, the booze, etc. etc. I guess I should not be surprised but she said, "oh I knew. I knew months ago. I just figured that you either knew and had some sort of a plan to deal with it, or, if not, you would be figuring it out soon". I continue to marvel at my apparently considerable ability to turn my head away from the obvious. It continues to eat at my self-esteem that I could have been so blind, but it is what it is. I am just glad I am not blind anymore.
On the less pleasant side, AH and I got into it over my participation in counseling and al-anon. He is wholly against my participation, "doesn't ever want to hear about it again" (hey buddy, I'm not the one who brought it up today), and thinks I'm just "flat out paranoid". Did I mention he told me this after he said that he had been drinking. The only good thing I can report is that I was not surprised by a single thing he said because I have now read it here first. I did not succeed in "not engaging". Nor did I succeed in not thinking "stinking thoughts".
The best part was when he vehemently declared that he would NEVER agree to marriage counseling because that would suggest we had PROBLEMS. After some more discussion he said that if he did ever agree to such BS, it would ONLY BE with a Christian Counselor. So I called his bluff and said, "no problem. I bet I can find one, and I'll be willing to go". (He did remind me multiple times that the reason his parents got divorced was that my MIL was so judgmental about her AH's boozing. He did concede that my FIL "did have an issue and so it was understandable how it would have been a problem. BUT REALLY, let's be real, it's the judgement." ) OMG, how can people say these things aloud and not be kidding? I mean, seriously???
He says that he is completely baffled as to why I need to think alcohol has impacted me. He thinks he had two bad days ever, and I'm just blowing it out of proportion because he was so stressed on those episodes. I reminded him that he got drunk before we visited him mother on a random lovely day (no stress), he got drunk at a family reunion on another random lovely day (no stress), and he was drunk literally every day between August 25 and February 4. He can't remember the episodes that I told him about because he was So stone drunk he blacked out. He told me that he would not normally believe me but he wouldn't peg me for a liar. Sometimes I wonder if I should just tell him about the number of people in the world who knew he was an alcoholic even before I did. I think the number would impress him. It sure has impressed me (in a bad way). But I think I am getting that I do not yet have the wisdom or tools to know how to bring that up in a non-combative way, I'm just going to leave it.
In the end I was most frustrated by the fact that he wants me to forgive him as if he forgot to pack an apple in our kid's lunch. It would be "the Christian thing to do". So I asked him how come everybody gets a free pass but me? I have to forgive and forget and that anger goes nowhere else but into my craw. He suggested that this is where I should give it up to God so that I can have that special peace. Of all the people in the world to give me this speech, it should not be him. He gave me a long speech about how God his is strength and how he could not get through the day without God. It took EVERY ounce of my being not to shout "Apparently your god is named Jack Daniels". (In retrospect, now I'm kind of sorry I didn't say that. It would have been the most truthful statement that has ever been made.)
Anyway, enough about him. I just came by tonight (it being 2am) because I needed to spend a moment with people who aren't completely delusional. I hate that I keep having the same conversations with him. Maybe I should not be surprised. UGH.
-- Edited by Fedora on Monday 18th of April 2016 02:36:46 AM
Im glad you have got Alanon and your not in denial. Another persons denial, I learned, is none of my business. An active alcholic could be saying blah, blah blah and does it really matter? The only thing the matters is the weight we put onto anyone elses words. Its our choice. We can choose to hear it and take what we like and use it for our own progress or we can hear it and take a hurt from it, become frustrated and angry. The choice is ours. An alcoholics judgement, memories and choices are distorted and disturbed as are ours before Alanon and therefore to argue, defend, justify ourselves is pretty useless. I like the slogan, 'How important is it' because it reminds me that another persons viewpoint belongs to them and even if I dont agree or dont believe its the truth doesnt mean I have to give my serenity away.
Wow, you could have been describing the conversations I have with my husband! And blanking out what he's done, and how it affected others - that's my husband too. I'm pretty new here, so I don't have much to offer except you aren't alone.
((FHP))" Denial is a powerful symptom of this disease . I have heard it said it is I " Don't Even No IAm Lying". I must admit I was just as guilty of this
Keep the focus on yourself . Prayers positive thoughts on the way.
((FHP)) - I can so relate to your point about your self-esteem tied into your inability/unwillingness to 'see' the disease. For me, the program helped me understand that my denial was a protective measure I used to avoid reality until I could handle it. That helped me a bit, but did not help me feel less 'dumb' and/or 'manipulated'. I waffled back and forth when I first arrived between anger and sadness and had a hard time with acceptance and living in the present.
As I practiced this program to the best of my ability, I became more rationale in my thinking and found small amounts of peace. In those moments, as I gained more clarity and some sanity returned, I saw the patterns over and over and over again of me trying battle the disease. It was such a tiring dance - and I did it for a long, long while.
Denial runs deep in this disease, from all points of view. The less I engaged in the crazy-making, the more peace I was able to find and hold onto. The reality in my home was nothing I said or did or suggested or shared mattered - it never, ever influenced a change in another - it only made me less grounded.
When I am able to stay on my side of the street, and keep the focus on me, things go much better for me. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers for peace!
You are not alone - keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I remember when I first told my parents that my exAH and I were divorcing. I was terrified to tell them! Then come to find out, they of course knew all along he was a big drinker and they knew it was a problem. They simply minded their own business about it. All of our neighbors and friends saw it too. I knew on some level of course that his drinking was a problem, but I was mortified that others could 'see' it. I had worked so HARD to put on the good 'face'.
This program helps me to try on the concept of being 'authentic' and 'real' with myself and others. Progress not perfection. I have my own level of denial to be sure. To the point where I give up my own sense of self in order to pretend everything is 'great'. Accepting myself and loving myself as I am 'today', flaws and all, is a step in the right direction. Al-anon friends , a sponsor, meetings - all of these are opportunities to learn how to focus on myself, evaluate my feelings. For me, any negative emotion is a sign from my HP that something is 'not quite right', and rather than avoid those feelings, I need to learn to sit with them for a little bit and allow my discomfort to speak for me. This takes practice of course. And my HP is really good about presenting me lessons over and over until I 'get it'.
Keep coming back, it works if you work it and YOU ARE WORTH IT!
((HUGS))
__________________
"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I came to believe the denial was the result of him being too overwhelmed by the destruction caused by alcoholism. It was not a lack of information. It was dwelling in his bottom. No amount of talking had an effect. I could have spoken to our brick walls. He knew it, anyway. He was living it.
I worked on me instead. It was a good change. I'm glad I did.
I struggled a bit when I realised my part in the denial of how alcohol was affecting my marriage - a real case of hope and rose coloured glasses. But then I started to think about how little I knew about alcoholism - for me it was easy to say no to another drink and it was easy for me to look at a situation and see the consequences. I had no manual that told me that other people sometimes found these things impossible. Coming to Alanon helps me to learn that I don't know it all and the best that I can do is to keep learning. I love the lesson that tells me to look after myself and that I don't need to feel responsible for other people's thoughts or actions.
An awful lot of my thinking went on at 3am in the morning!!
