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Okay, just needing some support. After another one of his beer binges (if you want to hear the wacko story, I posted it under ((smilingeyes)) recent topic: One day good, next day awful..
Anyway, It is soooo unlike me not to start a fight after one of his binges. But since I have come to this board I have done exactly what is suggested. I do not argue or fight or accuse, I just literally breathe sooo freaking deep and get up from the room. He will ask "whats wrong with you" and I don't say anything but goodnight. I still feel sick to my stomach and start shaking until I fall asleep and next day literally biting my tongue, but I take it as a good sign that I am not yelling and screaming at least? I haven't gotten any peace just yet because I am still holding down anger. But this is all in the right direction right?
This morning he says (as usual) he is really really trying and sorry he slipped up again, but doesn't think he really did anything THAT bad. I said that he knows what the issue is, I will no longer discuss it or argue. That in the meantime since all of this affects me also, that I am sticking to my boundaries for my own sanity and self respect.
Saying all this makes me feel like I am talking to a 4 yr old going into time out (like SuperNanny) with a calm voice. Is this normal to feel?
-- Edited by Aerin on Thursday 14th of April 2016 09:42:02 AM
-- Edited by Aerin on Thursday 14th of April 2016 09:42:44 AM
Chin up Aerin - I love your proud lion and I love the clear message that you have conveyed as well. It ain't easy, but your dignity shines through.
Sounds to me as though SuperNanny has done a good job and is now due some lovely, wonderful time to rest, relax, giggle and enjoy whatever it is you enjoy.
Aerin - I'm short on time as I am leaving town today but did want to say that, Yes - change is hard and when we do things differently, actions, reactions, etc. - it will feel awkward for a while.....practice, practice, practice and JADE will become much more automatic (Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain).
(((hugs))) - you done great!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Because your alcoholic isn't our alcoholic, what you say and how you say it is right for you. If we are powerless...we are totally powerless. I can remember times when my sponsors use to react to me with "but I told you not to do or to do...something or other" and I relapsed into my own way of doing things...therefore "if nothing changes, nothing changes." I learned that was the way it would be until I changed some behavior I needed to change for the outcome I needed to change it for" Once you get it the different consequences will keep you working for recovery. (((((hugs)))))
My husband is also a binge drinker, and we seem to share similar experiences. Oftentimes my husband would chuckingly say I've changed and that I'm at times indifferent. But mind you though I no longer negate nor prevent him from drinking, he's not at all satisfied with that change. I think that's because he's now left with no one to blame nor be responsible (before, during and after) for the consequences of his drinking but himself. At first it felt so uncomfortable, with all the anger seemingly just contained inside of me. At first it's so hard not to say a word, not to comment, not to argue, not to fight. I kept remembering the 3 C's and the first 3 steps. I kept going thru the steps (back & forth), kept reading literatures and kept coming back. In difficult times, I remind myself of my boundaries and to mind just my own side of the street, I let him live his life reminding myself that we are both entitled to happiness the way each one perceives it. Sometimes I feel guilty of being rude because when he goes out for a drink I really condition myself not to mind him, not to care for whatever happens to him, for saying that he can't sleep in our room if he goes home wee hours and/or drunk. I feel I'm a mean wife, but I do pray to God to be the one to take care of my husband (Surrender Prayer). It's helping ME a lot, and I think that all matters for now, my own recovery, finding my peace and serenity... so later and hopefully as I go on thru life that same peace and serenity will emanate from me to others.
Hugs,
Jocel
SURRENDER PRAYER
Dear God, I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without Your help and guidance. I come to You today because I believe that You can restore and renew me to meet my needs today. Since I cannot adequately manage my life or affairs, I have decided to give them to You. I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions into Your hands.
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings, my selfishness, resentments, and all my problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan. Such as I am, take and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me
what to do for You.
I cannot control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care for Your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving them and free from judging them. If they need changing, God, You will have to do it. I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to You, to have my shortcomings removed, and to do my best.
Help me to see how I have harmed others, and make me willing to make amends to You and to them. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and that separate me from Your light, Your love and Your Spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to recognize each one promptly.
I am seeking to know You better and to love You more. I am seeking the knowledge of Your Will for me and the power to carry it out.