The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Back on the merry-go-round. He's made himself sick again. Pancreatitis. The first time it happened he swore off the booze. He relapsed. The second time...honestly I don't remember what he said, it was about a year ago.
I knew he'd been drinking for the past several months. I've been working on myself, using my tools, detaching with love, and...basically waiting. I made it 100% clear that if he made himself sick by drinking again I would leave. I wasn't going to stick around and care for him because he decided to drink himself to death. And, huge surprise to no one, he has. I knew he would.
He's still sick at the moment - detoxing and waiting for the pancreatitis to subside. I told him this morning when he was back on his feet we needed to have a serious discussion. He asked if I was going to leave, I said I wasn't sure yet.
Honestly, I think it's best for both of us. He's unhappy in this city, I'm unhappy in this marriage. And even if he gets better, I'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. However, now that the door has opened, I'm hesitant to step through it. I really don't know what's holding me back. I can support myself financially, so I'm not worried about that. I will have some guilt over his situation, but it's his bed that he's made. We should be able to sell the house fairly easily, and both of us will leave the table with a decent chunk of change. No kiddos to worry about. I just...is this real? Am I actually going to go through with this? What made you finally pull the trigger and walk away?
((Spider)) I left ,like many others when the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving.
Marriage vows(For better or worse, in sickness and in health ) held me for a long time until I realized that the first part of the vows called for us to:" love, honor and cherish " each other and that had flown out the window a long time before.
Keep an open mind, pray about it and know that I am sending positive thoughts on the way.
I pulled the trigger when I finally came to the full acceptance that he wasn't going to change, at least on my timeline, in anything like the foreseeable future. I suppose it's still possible, but less than likely. It is now 11 years later and he still hasn't changed, despite losing a lot more than his marriage over the succeeding years. So I foresaw nothing but continuing chaos, bad choices, damage, and pain.
Your situation does sound very painful. It is so hard to sit by helplessly (as we are) and watch people continue to make terrible choices.
Mine was a two-step leaving. Looking back, I see that way before I realized what was going on, my HP was leading and preparing me. Two years prior, something happened that made me think through the "how will I live on my own? How will I manage this, and that, and that?" Then things went back to "normal" until Christmas, when everything came to a head.
Once I got over the sheer shock, things began to fall into place. I had an abundance of help and support around me, and, most amazingly, I felt a source of strength in me that I never even knew existed. I still get scared. I still get overwhelmed. I still get angry. I still grieve.
The best advice I received (from someone who didn't even know AH was alcoholic) was to go to AlAnon meetings. I am slowly learning to accept my feelings, feel the emotions, then let them go. I am slowly learning that yes, my HP is in charge - not me! So since I "pulled the trigger", I have never once regretted doing so. I know that, with help, I have the strength to pull through. I know that he is not my responsibility and that, whether he knows it or not, he also has a HP.
I cannot describe the weight that was lifted off my shoulders, once the decision was made.
Spider - I have no experience but just wanted to give you a (((hug))). Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Know that you are not alone and we're here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I chose to leave my 20 year marriage. It's been 6 years now, and as difficult as the choice was, it was the right choice. It was over 9 years before it ended really. He still drinks. He is a good person and loving father, but losing his marriage and family was not a rock bottom for him. He has a new enabler now and is getting married. He may never get a rock bottom. Who knows.
Now I am involved in a relationship of just 7 months and I am struggling to end it because I am seeing warning signs of addiction to various substances. Nothing crisis related has occurred. We don't live together, we are dating. He is a good guy and I know he cares deeply for me. He is very high functioning. But he smokes pot, drinks a lot at times, drives after drinking, has a 'hobby' of enjoying gambling... he smokes cigarettes, and wears a nictotine patch at the same time, and when he can't have cigarettes, he uses tobacco. it's a little of this and a little of that - but added together, my radar is up. I have been going through this discernment process and recently came back to my program to guide me.
My choice is end the relationship. I too am struggling with finding the courage - but I know that in the long run, this is the best choice for me. Just as an alcoholic can't hang out in bars, *I* can not hang out with addictive types of any sort. It's just that simple.
Hugs to you as you go through this discernment.
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Leaving seems to be the hardest part of marriage, more than enduring (it's been 20 years for me), takes a lot of courage. When I seriously (not just passing thru or dipping a finger) came to Al-anon it was because I know I will need all the support I could get, that was when I told myself that I've had enough and I want to end my marriage to an alcoholic. Before I drop the bomb I would like to equip myself with all the strength, I have prepared myself financially but I know I will be needing a support group. During the years I would from time to time drop the "separation" words but I think my AH don't take it seriously or was too intoxicated to take it seriously. I learned a lot of tools from Al-anon, which is helping me, detachment, the slogans, prayers, how to say what you mean & mean what you say, setting boundaries. I was able to speak it out nicely and in the right time to my AH, my boundaries and my limits. My AH seems to have "slowed down" but no one can really tell what lies ahead and what's on his mind, it's a merry go round. I still am married, I haven't dropped the bomb, something seems to be changing, and I have to be very careful not to drop it when I don't really mean it because when I do I cannot take it back. I pray the Serenity Prayer and the Surrender Prayer from the heart. Everyday I pray to God, I surrender my life to my God and trust that I am in His loving hands.
