The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Daughter said something that sort of crushed my feelings tonight.
Now that sentence alone is already wrong on a lot of levels, I know.
Lately I've been doing quite a lot for her, she's had a lot of money spent on her and a lot of time spent running her around and organising things for her, and the gratitude has been- to say the least- average. For example, last week we went out shopping; we had 2 missions. One was to buy her a new pair of sneakers. So, we had agreed that I was prepared to spend a certain (excessive) amount on the sneakers and if she was willing to shop around and get the best possible deal she could have the balance of the money to spend on whatever (trying to teach her to be sharp when it comes to big purchases). Her father's child support has increased quite a bit and he's finally paid it up to date so I have decided to allocate an amount each month to up-dating what she needs; this month it was sneakers and Japanese books. So I took her to every store in our local shopping district that sells sneakers and we looked at her feet a lot and eventually ended up with a pair of sneakers that were even more than the initial amount I had agreed to. Sigh. So the downside is, they cost a lot, and the upside is, they are bright, bright luminous orange and in the event that the worst ever happens and our earth's sun is ever extinguished, they might possibly be used as a source of light and heat for our planet. Also they kind of make her look like Astro-boy which makes me giggle. I have included a picture in case any-one wants to view these amazing sun-shoes.
Anyway, our second mission was for me to return something to a store that was unsuitable and find something else to exchange it for. I had bought a dress online from a major department store that turned out to be really ugly and they have a no-questions return policy. It had been a big deal for me to buy myself a new piece of clothing not from an op-shop so I really wanted to exchange it for something I liked. Anyway, once she had her shoes, the grumpy rude face came out and she started sighing and asking to go home and disparaged the clothes I looked at and tried on until I felt like crap and just wanted to go home myself. I was angry and told her so. Anyway this is just a small example of how it has been lately; I bend over backwards to do nice things for her and when it's time for me to do anything for me, she gets the grumpy face and the protracted sighs on and it's all a horrendous painful trial for her.
Anyway I'm not angry about this because she's just turned 13, and she's had a lot of adjusting to do and she's surely at an age where she's going to push the boundaries; this is on me because I need to know what my boundaries with her are, and feel comfortable with them. We went through a lot of hard times together and she watched me being mistreated, and subjugating myself, for most of her young life and then since we moved out I have made it all about her for the last year or so because I wanted her to experience happy and loved, and have her first year of high school be a positive experience after a lot of years of pretty sub-par crap. So the issues we are having now are pretty natural, really.
However, I made an agreement with her that last year would be "all about her", beginning her new school and her advanced program etc, and that this year I needed to get serious about my study and finish my degree and that she would need to step up a little bit so that I can do that, and, she's been pretty resistant. I stayed home last year, opting to study online which was very depressing and super isolating for me and this year, now that she is established at school and has friends and is in a good routine, I need to take care of me and start having a bit of a life myself so I have a manic schedule and I am burning the candle at both ends (which is fantastic, honestly).
So, there are 2 days a week when I have to get home a bit late in the afternoon and she needs to come home alone and let herself in to the house and of course on all of these days she has a crisis and texts me all day that she forgot her lunch or she feels sick and she forgets to take her keys so I have to come home early and so on. It's quite blatant; she wants me to be at home where she is used to me being. Or, I have tried to make an agreement with her that she will have a go at cooking dinner just once a week on my busiest day and on those days she 'doesn't want to cook because she doesn't feel well and isn't hungry" and then at 10pm suddenly she's starving and starts complaining that she's hungry until I make something. Every other night she isn't hungry and doesn't eat much when I make dinner and then late at night when I'm finally done and sit down to study, suddenly she starts texting me from her bedroom that she's starving. And she needs a hot water bottle and her clothes washed (which didn't need washing earlier when I asked her) and can I make her a cup of coffee PLEEEEEEEZE. I am not her butler and tell her this frequently but she isn't getting it, obviously by choice. I don't give in to all of these demands by the way, but, I feel really upset by them as if I should, or as if I am a lesser person when I say no because I was raised to believe that a good parent is completely self sacrificing (although my mother wasn't so it's a pretty convoluted mess in my mind really). I was raised, basically, to believe that everyone else deserved all kinds of things and that i was in some way different, and lesser. So this is relevant and difficult to work through now that i am a parent. I don't want her to feel that she isn't worth effort and sacrifice, because that sucked for me, and at the same time, I'm done with being nothing BUT sacrifice and self deprecation. It's an interesting little hurdle to get over, and an interesting chance to re-organise my toolkit, that's for sure.
Ok here's another recent example; every night she jumps on her trampoline, until way after dark, and gets snarky when I ask her to come in out of the dark. She bounces like tigger out there in the pitch black and thinks that's just fine. So the other night I asked her to water the tomatoes just after dark, it was like 7pm, and she said, quite seriously "No mum, I don't like going in the yard when it's dark, it's scary". Are you kidding me.
So, as I said, boundaries, and learning to have them. It's a weird situation for me really, because, for most of my life as a mother (and before) I lived with someone abusive so, my entire focus was on trying to protect my child from it and give her a happy life regardless.
Then, when I moved out on my own it started to be about helping get her set up in a new situation, getting established at school and making friends etc. These are positive things, I think. But, for all of that time, I have been very isolated and, for example, I have literally not done anything fun or social such as attend a bbq or go to a social occasion or do ANYTHING that involves being social or fun since she was a toddler. I mean literally, I have not had a night out (except a couple of nightmare visits to the pub with abf) or done anything that might be called fun for over a decade aside from mum-and-daughter stuff. It's a pretty big hole in my life. I don't have friends; I have the dog, sometimes I do something with my mother. It's a bit sad.
Tonight we went to walk the dog and she brought up the fact that I have a savings plan (there's this program for low income parents where you save a certain amount of money each month and at the end, they match what you have saved and you can spend it on "approved education expenses". So I made the mistake of telling her I was doing it so that I can buy her a kick-ass laptop so she will have it in time for next year when they start doing graphic design at school. So it's months away that I will even have saved the appropriate amount and tonight she starts arguing with me about the laptop she wants and demanding her right to be able to take it to school. What? I started getting angry and resentful and then ended up taking a deep breath and saying"you know what? This isn't open for discussion until the end of august so, I suggest you stop right there". Great, boundary established and angry retaliation avoided. Go me.
SO, anyway, tonight, we were in the car after walking the dog and we were talking about her primary school teachers (I think that's elementary school in american) and, she talked about her grade 5 teacher and I said "Oh I liked him, we got along well. I think if we had have stayed in the area, we might have ended up as friends". Which I recognise might not be a comfortable concept for her, I didn't think it through, it was just a throw-away fact that I stated without thinking. It was a very small town and he went to the same bars etc that abf and sometimes I frequented so it wasn't an outlandish concept that we might have become sociable outside of the school setting. Although I did realise as soon as the words were out of my mouth that it probably wasn't a good mum-daughter conversation to have. My bad. I hadn't meant anything important by it.
Her reaction though, was really upsetting. She turned and looked at me as if I was really pitiful, shaking her head at me and saying, "No mum. I'm sorry, but no". I thought she just meant it would be weird for her mum to be friends with her teacher so I laughed and said 'sorry, yeah, that would be weird for you" and she said "No, mum, I really don't think he would have liked you as a friend". Her tone was really patronising and I felt kind of hurt and decided to just let it go, but she went on to say "look I'm sorry mum, but you don't really do people, you're just not the sort of person that has friends, I'm sorry but that's just how it is".
Ouch? My instincts wanted to tell her that I was very social before thank you very much, and that years of putting her first and formost has been a large part of me not socialising or having a life of my own. But that isn't fair. It isn't healthy that I am so isolated, and it isn't healthy that my child is my only point of reference and I take it all so personally. Too much responsibility for her, and too little reciprocal human contact for me. So I don't like the situation, and I need to change it. I don't know how, because I have no time to do anything and the idea of adding a social activity to my schedule is exhausting, not to mention the fact that she is right in some ways; it has been so long that i feel really awkward and stressed at the thought of it.
But it has to change. The only people I confer with on a regular basis are my qualifiers and my child. That's not healthy.
So, courage to change the things I can, please HP. I think I'm doing a lot of things right but, being isolated and friendless isnt one of them. Scary and difficult as it is, I need to start making some social contacts before I forget how altogether!!!
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh MissMel - I can see those shoes from USA - KS....ha.ha.ha.ha....I believe you have begun to encounter the 'teen-age years'. This is where they are entitled to everything from everyone and get bothered and nasty when they do not get their way. I raised two boys and from birth, I thought it would be easier as they were not girls. I was dead wrong....they were as bad if not worse than any girls during their teen-age years. Unfortunately, they both began their addiction during this time, so are still very immature, selfish and self-serving but slooooooowly - it's better.
Mine still do not 'see' anything I set aside for their growth, experiences, sports, school, extracurricular, etc. I think they believe that is how all homes/moms are. I wish I had Al-Anon before they became teenagers - I would have been able to set boundaries that were healthy for both sides.
You are going to have your hands full....it happens to most of us. I could tell you a million things I did - some worked and some did not, but you are a wise woman and a great momma. You see already in what you've written that you need to return to a social existence and you need to set boundaries. I stopped answering texts from within the house - that got old really quick. They then had to pop out to inquire, and it was easy to point them to the kitchen or pantry since they were already up/about.
Huge (((Hugs))) for you - I truly thought I would not survive those teen-age years, but I did. I can only describe mine as hell on earth because that's exactly what it was!! Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((MsM.)) you area an attractive, intelligent, clever, and wise woman who has great interpersonal skills and are a gift to any and all that you come in contact with. Next time Daughter or anyone doubts you just validate yourself in that fashion It is the truth .
You will survive. Gosh, there were times when I thought my husband, and our three, would not get out alive. My oldest is 23, and my youngest and SD are 21. They were all extremely good at attempting to get their way. My SD could probably write the book, "Manipulation for Dummies". She is a talented writer. LOL.
Here's even better news. 13 year olds do this even when both parents live in the same household. I have first-hand experience. My brother has a 13 year old. She would most likely edit the "Manipulation for Dummies" book. Surviving the teen years is not for the weak. You question yourself, mostly out of exasperation. But, it will all come to an end. Then , when if we are blessed to have grandchildren, we can spoil them and send them home. That' justice.
I give you credit for not arguing with her. That was a really great step. You're doing good, Mom, really good.
I had an episode where I showed one of my favorite movies to my kid (age 14). Later he ridiculed the movie and I felt hurt and mad. I was talking to my therapist about how I was hurt and mad and needed to rise above it. She said that it was good to find a way not to let it bother me, but also that it was good for my kid to know that ridiculing people was not okay and that they do get hurt and mad when you do it, and it causes a lack of harmony. In other words my idea that I should suck it up was actually kind of a codie idea, an enabling idea. Not that I should explode when I got ridiculed, but that it was not only okay but even good to say, "I really don't like it when you ridicule me and my stuff, it's hurtful and unhelpful and not the way we behave around here." In fact we had been going to go out for ice cream and I sure didn't feel like it after he started needling me.
So maybe drawing some boundaries is a good thing. In fact it seemed to happen again the other day, and he said (without my prompting!), "I said that the wrong way, I didn't mean that to sound insulting, I apologize"! Has that ever been heard from a teenager before? Al-Anon really does bring about miracles, and I mean that seriously.
Anyway, these are tricky waters, this stuff with teenagers, and who has parents that got it right and serve as models? No one I ever met. But you have so much awareness plus so much humor. Maybe if she gets really sassy you can just hold the shoes up and blind her until she submits.
Teenagers are all different, just like any other age group. Sometimes, they can be incredibly sweet and obedient. It's rare, but it happens. Sometimes, they can be mouthy little demons. And, sometimes, they're a complete mix. My little sister turned 16 today. She definitely had her mouthy bratty stage - around 12-14. Now, she's much more mature. I had told her I was broke and wouldn't be able to get her a birthday present until next week. She said, "That's ok, you don't have to get me anything. Love you." Things changed and I did get her a present already, but a few years ago, she would have been a lot more bratty about it.
So, there's light at the end of the tunnel. But, definitely set those boundaries and stick to them. Teenagers want rules - they just won't admit to it. Good luck!
Al-Anon really does bring about miracles, and I mean that seriously.