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I´m all new to this forum (though not to Al-anon), I hope to explore it more but right now I have a burning question I hope someone here might be able to answer.
Please do excuse any misspellings etc, english is not my language (I´m Swedish)
Recently, a situation occured in my home group. We had an open meeting and there were three newcomers. No speakers meeting, just sharings.
After a while, one of the newcomers started sharing - about her alcoholism and her membership in AA. She did not mention anything Al-anon related or talk about why she was attending an Al-anon meeting. I felt a bit confused by this and waited to see if the chairperson would react and make some kind of hint to her.
At one point she explained that she wants her loved ones to attend Al-anon, so that they can "straighten her up" whenever she starts slipping in her recovery - i.e. make her go to meetings, tell her to call her sponsor etc. That´s when it started to feel all wrong for me and I thought about the 2 other newcomers getting the message that it was their responsability to take care of the alcoholic - the opposite message than that of Al-anon. I also feel really triggered when alcoholics talk about their disease and thought other Al-anons might feel the same way (?)- after all, our drug is the alcoholic. So I interrupted and asked her, as gently as I could, if she would mind talking about Al-anon-related topics instead.
She understood my point and was not upset, I also talked to her after the meeting to make sure she felt ok. It turned out she was at the Al-anon meeting not for her own sake but to check it out and see if it could be something for a friend of hers. She also mentioned that she had gotten the impression from the rest of the group that it would be a good thing that she shared about her disease so that we Al-anons could learn about it.
(I understand the thought but do not agree, I feel that if we want to hear the recovering alcoholic´s view, it´s better that we go to an open AA meeting than they come to us. Especially since, in my town, there is at least ten AA-meetings every week and only one Al-anon)
But one of the other participants (the chairperson) got very upset and started yelling at me when I interrupted that sharing, she said no one has the right to interrupt a sharing and that anyone can come to an open meeting and talk about anything they want, including their own struggle with any chemical addiction. She said she will make sure that this is stated @ the group´s next..practical meeting..? Or what do you call them in english?
What are your thoughts/experiences on this? How does it work on your ftf meetings? How do we interpret the traditions in situations like these?
Hello Nidra Welcome to Miracles in Progress I can certainly understand your discomfort and support your concern over the issue. I do believe the person who shared at your meeting was out of line and that the Chair Person should have re directed the share. You doing so might have broken protocol but it should have been done
I would like to say that In my face to face meetings we do not promote "Cross talk" which means that no one is able to interrupt anyone who is sharing except- the "Chair person" whose responsibility it is to protect the groups Traditions and to direct the sharing to stay on topic.
I do believe the "Practical Meeting "that you refer to is our "Business Meetings' which is usually held once a month. Here we discuss issues that affect the workings of the immediate group and decisions are made by a vote. The majority rules at these meetings . We also have explored if it is possible for members of other 12 step groups to share.
We have voted that at the opening" welcome " we can say that all are welcome but that we ask that you only address alanon topics and that we ask that you not mention any other 12 Step programs.
Again all these issues should be brought up at your local business meeting and decided by vote of members Good Luck.
At yesterday morning Serenity of Sunday AFG meeting one of the doubles spoke up with a concern that A's usually share in a self centered manner. I am also a double and also find it that was however it takes the courage of the group chairperson to draw the line so that no one including the alcoholic share in such a manner. They are mostly grateful for the self focus. Alcoholic share can and does confuse and turn down the younger Al-Anon member and we attempt at all times to let the A have the message in a courteous manner. Often times the start message will let them know whats what. Good share (((hugs)))
Great share and topic , thank you. I agree with you, we should use the traditions to guide us. We keep the focus on the program. The alanon program. As open meetings are perfect for learning about the disease from an alcoholics point of view and although we have the same disease with similar symptoms, our experience is different, it's a different angle. We have a responsibility to the newcomer to meetings to keep the focus and not confuse things. The concepts and life changing ideas in our program can take time to grasp and should be as clear as we can make them. I believe alcoholics sharing in a meeting as a main speaker can be very valuable. Any alcoholics at open meetings are reminded to keep the focus on alanob. Well done for having the courage to speak up.
Welcome to MIP Nedra - glad you found us and glad you asked! I am also a double winner, and have never attended an open meeting for Al-Anon. All that I've attended are closed. I guess in my world, it just depends on if the opening was read, and attendees were asked to follow the guidelines and principles spelled out in that opening. My only frame of reference for open meetings is from the other side of the program, and we usually encourage open sharing. But, in my experience with both sides, the AA meetings are less structured and some shares certainly expand well beyond the disease and recovery from the disease.
So - I support what you feel so long as the Al-Anon opening was shared and those guidelines were presented before. We have added to our opening (again, a closed meeting) a couple of questions to try and isolate those who are attending for reasons beyond fellowship, support and program. It is worded in such a manner that we ask you to raise your hand, and those are taken and given an overview of the program, the principles, the purpose, etc.
I do agree that an alcoholic share would be confusing to newer members of Al-Anon...I had issues with my own thinking when I started Al-Anon - trying to figure out if my issue was related to this side or that side, and then I deployed the "when in doubt, don't" for the Al-Anon side.
Keep coming back - welcome again to MIP!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(I´m Swedish)