The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I found myself in a pity party. The realization that my dry AH has been having an affair with a former co-worker for a long time. This affair probably started in the 90s. I remember hearing her name all the time but never did I think it was an affair. I moved out over a year and half ago because I found the affair outlined by him on a legal pad. The details were horrible. Initially I filed for divorce but canceled it when he wanted to go to marriage counseling. Of course after I left he denied the affair, called it fantasy and wanted to do anything to save our marriage. That lasted for about 2-3 months. Since then he has had a turnabout and wants us to work together to split up all of our joint assets. I have told him that he can give me a proposal for the split and then I will have my attorney look at it. He started talking about splitting things last Summer. He has sent me details about what there is to split which is correct. But he has done nothing towards giving me a proposal. About the time of his change of heart last year his AP has sold her house. A year ago she had a husband but that might not be the case now.
I know that I never want to live with him again. He was verbally and emotionally abusive for years. Now it makes sense to me. He wanted rid of me so he could be with his GF. I feel like our entire 40 year marriage was a sham.
My AHs Father did this exact same thing and he has hated his Father for what it did to their family. So he wants to keep this under wraps so our kids won't know about the affair. He'll bring her out after we are split. He has been in a clinical depression since I left but it is almost like he is playing depression game to his family while courting his GF. I have always thought that the MDD (major depression disorder) came when he thought that the gig was up in regards to his affair.
Sorry for the pity party. I know I need a meeting and will go to one tomorrow. I need to work on my gratitude list tonight because I am so grateful in other parts of my life. I keep telling myself to let go and let God handle this..
In the meantime I know that many of you have gone thru this. How did you get beyond the grief? How long did it take?
Accept it for what it is grief, embrace it,
Let yourself walk thru it. There is no easy
Way. Honor your grief as best as you can.
I did a lot of recovery work thru my Grief.
I miss that part actually i got in there
Deep with my HP holding me. There is so
Much stuffed down feelings and emotions
To move thru and face.
We are all humans be kind and gentle With
yourself. I have not seen my ex since The
end of june 2015. I Still Struggle.
I try to keep the gf out of my head as Much
as possible if it wasnt her it would have Been
someone else.
Mirandac, thank you for your ESH. I do have so many feelings stuffed down. I'm sad and angry. I ignored so much when our kids were growing up. Now I find myself thinking back on how stupid I was to not figure it out years ago. I am thankful that I don't have to live with his bipolar issues and if the GF can handle his temper tantrums/bipolar stuff so be it. Maybe he's a different person around her.. I have a divorce support group that I joined last year but probably need to find a new one as that one has disbanded.
I see friends of mine that have married a few times and when they are thru with the Husband they divorce and never look back. Being a ACOA I think I have abandonment issues that I need to work thru. I need to not let the GF take up space in my head but every once in a while she creeps in.
pjwa12726 - I don't have experience with ending a long-term marriage so no real ESH there. However, your post spoke to me as you suggest you are stupid for not seeing, realizing, etc. much sooner. I wanted to share - I can relate with the self-beating part of grief, sadness and recovery. I always considered myself a reasonably intelligent person, so when the disease smacked me senseless and silly, I was really angry, sad, anxious, etc.
I so agree with mirandac - feel your feelings. Identify them as best you can, share them, write about them and process. Walk through the fear, the pain, the sadness, etc. but as you do this, know you are not alone. Most everyone I know who has lived with this disease starts with a ton of blaming others. As we work this program, we begin to understand more about the disease. We then start to look at how it affects/changes us too. We then can see we played a part. Each part of this processing is goodness towards peace of mind and a different way of living/being.
You (and we) are not stupid, we were doing the best we could with what we knew. Nobody I know wants to break up a marriage and/or a family. Most people I know will move every rock, stone, other to try and keep a relationship intact. We tolerate more than others, because we believe in the goodness of people, have kind hearts and want to help others be healthy and whole. So, when I would get to a stage of self-pity, I truly had to look at what good did come from it....in my case,
- I have 2 boys that would not be here if I had not met/married my AH.
- I have an extended family (his) that would not be in my life.
- I have learned a ton about patience, kindness, sickness, tolerance.
- I have found a great program of recovery where I am learning or relearning how to be a better person.
- I have all my needs met.
- I have a spiritual life that I never even knew I wanted or needed.
So, do all you can to not beat yourself up - lift yourself up instead. We do understand and you are not alone! Keep coming back - (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Now that i am finally detaching i am opening windows
and Doors to my heart and soul. I was tossing and
turning At night processing my feelings and emotions
Still after I went No contact. I did that for eight long
months.
I still Ride the rollercoaster and hope to one day
Wake up feeling normal again. Its the emotional pain/
Drain and recovery work. I love my drug and alcohol
Theraoist she keeps me centered especially about abuse.
That is a tough subject to walk thru alone i still tip toe
Very lightly. My reality needs adjusting sometimes.
I learned to cacoon and be my own best friend and
advocate. Turn all your energy on you and your healing
And growing. Its a time not to have very high expectations
Of yorself as far as productivity. I still go to work do my
Thing and come home to peace, safety and calmness.
Iamhere, thank you for reminding me what I need to be concentrating on. All of this is the past and it makes me sick to think of it but I am in a good place now. A good place meaning that I live in a nice area with a lot of friends and family (not his). I have healthy children and grandchildren that I love dearly and would not have if not for this life with him. Today, I do things for myself that I have never been able to do in the past. Al-anon has been the greatest gifts to me. It helps with my stinking thinking...
Mirandac, I am in a great place when I have no contact with him. About 3-4 months ago I made it clear to him that I did not want to talk to him on the phone any more at all. If he had anything to tell me he could email me or text me. That did not go over well. He said that he was not checking email anymore so that was not a good plan. I told him that was fine to not check it but that would be my means of communication IF I needed to ask him something. BTW, he worked for an IT company. He has multiple email accounts that he checks constantly. Just a control thing. He doesnt understand why I am distancing myself from him. He wants everything the way he wants it. But we have not talked on the phone and it has helped. Emails and texts can unnerve me. Last week he called and I msg him that I was not able to talk. Then he started texting. I just ignored them but it did unnerve me. then I turned my phone off.
I have to not let him take up space in my head. Every few weeks I have a set back, like this weekend...my sponsor is out of the country, ugh...but going to a meeting tonight!
Hoping your meeting tonight was exactly what you needed! Positive thoughts and prayers for peace headed your way!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
