The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for April 10 speaks about the simple fact that as the result of having lived with the disease of alcoholism, many of us view ourselves as victims of other people's abuse.
It is shocking when we enter Al-Anon and are asked to look at ourselves ,examine our motives and to see how we have harmed others. or contributed to the situation
This is what step eight asks and its is where we get a more realistic sense of ourselves and where true responsibility rests.
The reading goes on to say that in many cases, the problem is not in recognizing the harm that we've done but in our exaggerated sense of responsibility. Many of us thought that everyone we knew belonged on the long list of people we needed to make amends to.
We believed this because for some reason they were disappointed in us. For example: our parents aren't happy with the partner we chose, our sister may be unhappy with us because they want to pay off their bills and the kids think we should give them more money. This is not where we have failed other people. We must realize that we are not responsible for their unfulfilleddesires. When we realize this in working our Eighth Step, we then no doubt need to take some things/people off the list
. We must look and see the choices that we have made that harm others, and call for making amends and keep at eh front of our minds that. Other people's expectations are not my responsibility, unless I helped create them.
The quote is from In All Our Affairs. "With this step, we sort out our part, taking responsibility for our actions, but also releasing ourselves from the burden of falsely held responsibilities.".
This is an extremely important concept and one that I needed to learn over and over. Examining my motives always helps me to sort it out and allows me accept responsibility for my defects. When I can see what I do that hurts me, I can ask HP to lift this otherwise I am continually blaming others and remain in victim mode.
Thanks Betty for the daily - a great read today that gives one pause. I am one who did for everyone, felt defeated and used up and then got confused why I could not make others happy. It took me a while to understand that how others hear, feel, act, etc. is not my business or my concern. I do recall many tantrums I threw blaming everything on everyone else....that changed with this program, a good sponsor and the steps we work on with brutal honesty.
As I looked backwards, recognized my own insanity and insecurities, more was revealed. My list became smaller and easier to scope properly. I no longer concern myself with other's moods, actions, feelings and/or expectations. I am watch Joel Osteen this AM and he's talking about what is important is not what we do, but what is in our heart. Our HP doesn't expect us to perform perfectly to then provide divine interventions, but instead is looking for hearts that have turned towards him with the right mindset.
I am grateful for all the tools I've learned and the healing Al-Anon has provided me. Have a great Sunday too!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What a powerful concept in this reading! Honestly, just when I think I'm an Al-Anon expert, I learn something new.
... we are not responsible for their unfulfilleddesires. ... Other people's expectations are not my responsibility, unless I helped create them.
I will carry this simple idea with me this week. As one who always wanted to meet all of everyone else's expectations, or what I thought were their expectations, this is a skill I will have to practice.
In recent weeks at work, I got myself tied up in knots because I thought the project I was working on might not meet the client's expectations. Mind you, they had not specifically voiced these expectations about a deadline, I just thought it was what they thought. So I chose to spend a couple of weekends working, when it might not have been necessary. I also set some unrealistic expectations by telling them I could have it finished by a certain date, when I didn't really know I could get it done, and I was the one who set the date, not them.
So I have to be careful about what expectations I create in others, because the only person it backfires on is me
The job of a "People Pleaser" is a difficult position. It seems interesting to me as I see so many Al-Anon members are just this. We try to take the problems of the world on our incapable shoulders, and then, when we don't succeed in solving them, we blame ourselves. It actually made me giggle a little as I thought of that analogy. Thank you, Betty, for your reading today.
I'm working, every day, trying to fight the voice in my head that want to raise up ugly issues from the past, get answers to questions that I really don't need the answer to, and blame myself for things that are completely out of my control. It's important for me to be an example of composure and strength, not be an additional battle.
