I stayed because I had lost perspective, I was frightened, I felt superior to him and it was nice to feel superior to somebody for a change (usually it's the other way around), I was a bit addicted to the chaos, and I genuinely thought it would be hard to get anybody better.  I guess that last is part of losing perspective.  And I had been worn down by it all so badly that I didn't have a lot of emotional energy to break away.  I think he relied on that and encouraged it.

Right now there is nobody that I was with that I wish I had stayed with longer.  In every case I stayed way too long.

I may give this another year and see if he actually goes to AA and really takes this seriously. the only thing that I noticed sadly is that even people who get treatment have multiple relapses and I'm just not sure I want to spend the majority of my life, I'm already 45, dealing with the situation. I do care a lot about him and I also feel like he'll end up getting sober and someone else will get the sober version of him but I had to deal with all this for years! :-/ I am also posting another ranting topic next.. Im on a roll today! sorry.

My bf and I don't have kids together, but I stay because I love him. We were friends for 10 years before we started dating. A little over a year and a half ago, I ran from a viciously abusive ex and My bf helped me pick myself up. I did all the work, but he stood behind me and reminded me of who I was. I completely rebuilt my life. We've been dating for about a year now, and he is an alcoholic. But, I think I'm lucky. He doesn't get mean or violent when he drinks. He never insults me or hurts me. He gets a little annoying because he'll start in on long rambling stories I've heard a hundred times, but that's about it. I didn't even see his drinking as a problem until the day he drove drunk with his 3 year old daughter in the car. I was livid. Drunk driving is unacceptable to me - especially when it involves endangering a child. I almost ended the relationship. But, when he realized that his drinking could allow him to do something that stupid, he decided he was going to stop. His daughter means the world to him. He has made it clear that she is the only thing in his life more important than me - which is how it should be. He could have lost us both that night and it was a big wake-up call for him. That was 11 days ago and he's still sober. I pray that he will stay that way. Some people are able to do it. Some aren't. So, there are no guarantees, but I'm going to stand behind him while he fixes himself, just like he did for me. We were both damaged - just in different ways. I had to get help - and I'm on antidepressants - but I feel like myself again. He realizes that he has a problem and he's determined to fix it. That's a big first step.

Hi Aerin,

I am going through the same dilemma with my boyfriend of just 7 months. I was marred to an alcoholic (a 'great guy' too!) for 20 years - and it took me the last 9 years of our marriage to get the courage to leave. Now I am involved with another 'great guy' (truly) who I believe is showing some addictive tendencies, although nothing has been horribly alarming yet. (my gut just 'knows' there is trouble ahead) We do not live together, and only see each other 2-3 times a week, or we spend basically every other weekend together. He has slowly been showing me 'more' of his habits - pot smoking, drinking and driving - and other red flags. Here is me - a fitness professional who is dedicated to promoting healthy lifestyle choices, and many of my friends can not even understand why I am with him. I have to ask myself the same thing - when I think I could be meeting or dating people who have similar values and lifestyle choices, I just shake my head at myself.

I know that I will honor myself in the end - for me it's a 'courage' thing. I hate the idea of hurting anyone. I am just going to 'keep coming back' and trust that I will be led to the next step when I am ready.

Hugs,
Cyndi

oh and Cyndi.. Im same as you.. fitness minded no drugs or drinking.. yet my husband was heavy pot smoker (HEAVY) and quick to anger. And now I have a drinker who is quick to anger. smh.. i need to soul search here

aerin, you will find the answers if you turn it over to your HP. I stayed in my marriage for WAY too long. I, too, was a yoga instructor, fitness professional, and could have had many other suitors if I had even given that a thought....but I didn't. I was committed to forcing my marriage to work because we had a kid, because I was financially tied to him, and because I truly had hope that someday sobriety would be a part of our lives. Like Mattie, I was so emotionally drained that I didn't have the strength to leave until one day I finally did.

One thing I've learned, though, now that I've been out of my XAH's life for 16 months is that I was part of the problem. I enabled, made excuses, lived in denial, I engaged when I shouldn't have, I allowed unacceptable behavior in my home instead of standing up for what was right, etc. Today, I am in a relationship with a man who is wonderful and NOT an addict or alcoholic, who has his sh*t together, and who would do anything for me if I asked him to as I would for him. But, I realized that I had to take myself with me in this relationship and all my crazy thinking and patterns of thinking from my marriage came back to haunt me even after 4 years of Al Anon under my belt. This year has been truly a learning experience about me and about what makes ME tick.

So, I say to you, stop worrying about what he's doing and work program for yourself. Learn about why you have chosen to stay or why you choose to enable or whatever it is that is keeping you there other than love. Because I truly believe that love is not what keeps a relationship together and healthy: commitment does and trust and loyalty and compassion and positive energy, etc. Love is just one part of why we stay.......what else is keeping you there? For me, I became so used to the sick cycle of dysfunction that I didn't know there was another way. Today I do and I choose to be in a relationship where we've both made it clear that we never want to be miserable with our SO's ever again and that we will address things quickly and check the temperature of our relationship on a regular basis. There's no reason to be miserable in a relationship as far as I can see. I did that once, and don't plan on doing it again. I just hope that if it comes my way again...whether it be with my bf or someone else....I hope I have the strength to cut ties knowing I did the best I could, and knowing that it takes more than love to make a relationship succeed.

Aerin,

I suppose the reason I stay is because I know the man my AH used to be. I've known him since we were 12 years old. I know his character, and I know that he can be a better man. I have seen that better man, and I married that better man.

We were apart for over 20 years (from 19 to 39) and ran into one another, by chance, after all of that time. I was going through a very difficult time in my life, as I was going through a divorce. He was sober at the time, and stayed that way far into our marriage. Unfortunately, some triggers caused him to fall back into drinking, and I've dealt with his binge drinking for the past six years.

I do believe that love is a choice. I don't think trust is a choice. It's something that someone else breaks inside of you. It is difficult for me to stay with someone I can't trust. At this point, I believe in my husband's ability to beat this, if he stays with the program, and stays accountable. I guess that's why I stay.