The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AF alcoholism has made it much more painful for me to be around him (we don't live in the same town), but I'm visiting this weekend. He told me today that a few weeks ago he went into a store, bought a bottle of vodka, and was drinking in his car. Thankfully, a security guard saw this and called the police. He spent a few hours in the drunk tank before my stepmother got him out. I don't think he's going to be charged with anything and the fact that I'm just learning about this now isn't what upsets me. He's saying that it was a wakeup call, but he said that when he was diagnosed with cirrhosis over a year ago and it was all BS. I feel anger but mostly sadness. I'm tired of the crazy and just want to cut him off completely.
((Mikhail)) Remembering that alcoholism is a progressive disease over which I am powerless helps me to let go of the anger at the person and attempt to detach with love as best I can. Alanon meetings, a sponsor and the Steps all helped in this process. Positive thoughts onthe way.
Mikhail....hopefully....I just came from the 7-11 down the street after attending my morning home group where I listened to the "miracles" in recovery...you know those people you never thought would make it? In the store I came face to face with a woman I use to counsel with and with her daughter and husband. Back then she was a drunk and her life was impossible and unmanageable, She wasn't the same person then I hugged and kissed this morning. "I just celebrated a year of sobriety she said and I almost burst into tears of surprise and amazement and gratitude. I got proven wrong again...HP loves to do this to and with me. She is one of the roses in my earlier post of now seeing that "thorns have roses". Mahalo ke akua...Thank you God for the surprises and miracles. Be sad just for the moment and keep in mind the rose. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you both for your wise words. I have always tried to approach life from a very rational point of view and the concepts of hope and miracles are things I struggle with. With that said, I also believe that it will take a miracle for my AF to get to long term recovery. Detachment is something I can do and can help from going to that dark, corrosive place where I am hyper critical of him and can't see any goodness to him.
(((Mikhail))) - I was a very, very black and white thinker and processor before I got to this program. Things like Jerry's reference to the thorns have roses truly helped me process with more 'shades of gray'. I now see that even those with the most to gain have positive attributes and it's God's job, not mine, to help them find/see them.
My sponsor once said to me, "What is 3+4." I said, "7". She said, "Good. Now what is 5+2?" I said, "7". She said, plain and simple, there is more than one way to solve ANY problem. I heard that while I am smart and good at solving problems, I am not smarter or better than God at solving other's problems. Letting go and letting God + detaching with love were huge steps for me, but so worth it!
Sadness happens. Feel it and then use this program as best you can to deal and heal. You aren't alone and there is hope!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have come to understand that my tendency toward control freakery makes this issue so much harder for me. I believe (irrationally, I know) that everything is fixable, and that I should play a part in the solution. That perspective only makes me feel inadequate and upset...because I'm so desperate to fix a problem I did not cause. My AF seems to see himself as the victim in any situation. I honestly don't know if he would even know how to look at the world differently if it occurred to him to do so.
I mourn the father that my control-freak soul expects him to be. He has never been the person I've wanted him to be, but I've only recently realized that he's never had to. I have the choice to love him (or not) as he is, and that's a decision I have to make on a moment by moment basis.
You can love someone without loving their actions. I don't have any contact with my mom, due to her insistence on staying with an abusive piece of crap and trying to involve him in my life. I still love her. I just have to love her from afar.
Mikhail - I can relate to your post. When I arrived, I was very controlling and wanted my fantasy idea of love and life to be the reality for us all. There was no callous intent to control others , it was coming from a place of love. Living with this disease takes good people and turns them into sick people. Sick people do not and can not see things rationally and logically, and as this disease is so baffling and powerful, we often also get sucked in. I always had this urgency about me too - I really need to get this fixed before ...
For me, my whole thinking process was warped. With the program giving me steps to look at me and my role and the tools to manage/handle most situations, I have changed many ideas I had before about what love is and is not. In the process of rebuilding me and how I tick, I've come to understand that I did play a part in each and every event in my life. At a minimum in many, I chose to stay when I could have/should have walked away - if but for a moment and/or a lifetime. We all process differently and we all heal in our time frame.
I now say often that I Love my Qualifiers, I Just Hate this Disease. I truly try to not apply logical thinking towards an illogical person/situation. It just never ever has a return that is positive for my life. When I am discontent in my day, I often consider the 4 M's of our program -
Managing
Manipulating
Mothering
Martydom
Once upon a time, I could 'see' me in all 4 to everyone in my life! That was well beyond my scope - no wonder I was so stressed, anxious, sad and overwhelmed! So, keep turning towards the program and surrendering to what you can not control, fix, manage or change. Keep looking at yourself gently and treat yourself as you would a lovely friend. Find some meetings or fellowship to break up any isolation that can contribute to the sadness. Realize that there is a personal reward in loving another just because, without expectations of a return.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I Landed here because I Lost My AF to this Disease in 2008... And I Didn't have a Program while Dealing with his Disease of Addiction/Alcoholism... But Something my HP Showed me while Moving thru this Process was that I had to Do Only what "I" Could Live with... What Made My Heart Whole even thru the Bumps...
When I Would Visit My Father I would Repeat Non Stop: "If I Go with NO Expectations I Will Not Be Hurt or Disappointed" So that is what I Did... Every Visit... Till I Believed there to be NO Expectations... It Helped... Didn't Cure my Dad By No Means, but it Helped Me Face him... My Father had 5 kids he Claimed and Lord Only Knows How Many Others Unclaimed, he was Quite the Ladies Man... However at the time of His Death, I was the ONLY One Still Speaking to Him because My Heart told Me Repeatedly.. "As Long as He Knows I Love him, That is Enough for Me!" Selfish Maybe... But it Did Help me with Regrets Down the Road...
I Did Not Buy him Booz or Smokes (He also had COPD), I would not Enable his Disease... That Much I knew was Wrong...
When I Got Here Just After his Death, I was So Very Pissed... I was Angry at him, and Felt Hopeless because How Could I Work this Out with him when he wasn't Here... Well Thanks to the Love & Support of Everyone Here and at My F2F Meetings, Working the Steps and Learning the tools of this Program I can Now say I Still Love my AF but in a More "Human" Way instead of a "Programmed" way...
Growing up as an ACOA has been No Picnic and Has Scarred Me & Each of my Siblings and My Mom, but... The Wisdom here is Out of this World... and I do my Best to Bottle you all Up and Take you with me in times of Desperate Measures and when I'm Unsure of the Ground I'm about to Cover...
And Just to Add to the HOPE End :) I Was an Alcoholic Myself when I Landed Here... And Was In Denial a Large part of my Life about it... I Can Now Say, that thru the Help of Al-Anon... I'm Now 5yrs, 5 Mths SOBER
So there is HOPE... Sometimes we just have to Stay out of its Path, and Let the Cards Fall as they May... You are Not Alone... KEEP COMING BACK
I can feel your pain through your post, and I'm grateful that you shared. My stepdaughter (who is 21 and lives close by at college) is someone I have had in my life for 12 years. My AH is a binge drinker. We don't have alcohol in our house, and he only drinks/drank socially. However, if he drinks, he drinks in excess. I have been an enabler, for the most part, and made sure that I was with him, or available to drive him home. He has had two DUI's. One before we were married (nine years ago), and one four years ago.
One week ago, he stopped at a pub, just a few miles away from our home. I don't know how long he had been there. He left the pub at 5:30, but wasn't home by 6:30. When I called, or texted, he didn't reply. My brain took me to every possible bad scenario. My youngest son still lives with us. He and his friend went in search of my AH, and he called upon the help of my oldest son, and he called my stepdaughter.
He arrived home at 9:30, and the events that took place between 5:30 and 9:30 were really bad. I left the house and stayed at my son's house. The next morning, my stepdaughter called me and asked me what had happened. I told her that I felt it was best that she speak with her Dad about the situation. Out of respect for their relationship, I felt it was best that she hear directly from him.
There has been a lot of distance, between her and me, since his second DUI. She has mentioned to me that she resents me. I believe that she has been frustrated with me because she didn't feel I was tough enough on him. She is a very independent young woman. If I could give her an Indian name, it might be 'Stands with fists clenched". Her parents separated when she was 8 years old. I know that her Mom has shared stories of issues in their marriage, and she is smart enough to see both sides of the story. I know that she loves her Dad so much, but is so disappointed in the choices he has made. He has the ability to be absolutely incredible, but this illness has caused a lot of pain for all of us who love him.
I know that I can't change her perspective of him or of me. All I can do is change how I am reacting to him, and not enable him. Hopefully, in time, relationships will heal, and we can again feel the closeness we once shared.
So, thank you for sharing your perspective. Please keep coming here for help from people who, like you, have cherished loved ones who suffer from this terrible illness. Sending you huge healing hugs.
