There is nothing so wrong with you that a face to face Al-Anon Family Group meeting cannot help.  Are you attending?  The disease has beaten you up and is continuing to do so and you were led to MIP where hundreds know what you are going thru.  The disease tired me out and made me soul sick where I just wanted to lay down and die and have it all just disappear including my alcoholic/addict wife.  I learned that what I was feeling about it was right ...not wrong.  Alcoholism is world wide and thousands of years old and we were not born with an answer to it.  We need each others to survive it and prevent it from affecting us any longer.   There are meetings twice daily at MIP and the times are on the face page of this site.  Check it out and find out you are not alone.

Its okay to call him and his rehab and tell them "not today...not this weekend, I need time to heal".  They will understand...no one can force you or I or anyone else to accept this disease against our will. 

We get sick because we will it.    (((((hugs)))))

Thank you for your reply. I thought I was handling things but my councillor told me iv been in survival mode for so long now that I was used to just doing what he wants and have totally lost myself in the process. I'll deff take a look at that. Thanks again ð

I am right there with you. I finally admitted there was a problem. When you open your eyes to something, the clarity that follows can be very overwhelming. You question who you are and what your interests are. You are told to take care of YOU but you don't even know what the heck that means or what it looks like!!! So you start to completely shut down. There is hope. Things change. You just have to recognize that this is a process that will evolve over time. It's scary because you really don't know what it will evolve into. And it's hard to let go of YOU the way you were. Almost like letting go of your inner child's hand.

Love and Hugs..

Your counselor sounds very wise. Don't worry about feelings, you probably haven't allowed yourself to feel them in years. Feelings are OK. I agree with the others on here, at an Al Anon meeting, you will learn to be able to feel your feelings without them ruling you, being able to make decisions based on what you want, not what your feelings want, and certainly not on what others want.

We can all identify with the chaos created in the wake of an alcoholic that churns up the whole family, leaving us high and dry. Sometimes you just can't take it anymore. Realizing the truth on that and acting on it is a REALLY BIG DEAL. You are learning about yourself.

Keep coming back, there is definitely hope.

Kenny

LeahLEOWife - I love your comment about letting go and the ways this process shifts our relationship with ourselves. That's me and i am right there with you confusedandupset, some days I can barely face my AH and find myself depressed and filled with anxiety.

I am in a place of not knowing, a place where I can see many divergent futures for myself and one where I can see my past more clearly. I have tried to be honest with myself about why I am in my marriage and what that means. And then have shared those truths with my AH as well which has been hard to do, part of me wants to hold these things in and not face the fallout of being honest. I feel sad and overwhelmed and the work of expressing myself clearly to AH, and living into my program is draining too. AND I feel more supported and loved by my friends and have found courage and strength in my f2f meeting I never thought I could have. I think of my recovery as a shedding of old skin, letting go of old habits and ideas that are holding me back and a slow journey towards a better version of my life as I find and live into my authentic self. It isn't all roses, but there are good things along the way.