The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband of 9 years (second marriage for both) might have seen the light today. On Monday evening, he left a bar at 5:30 and wasn't home by 6:30. The bar is just five minutes from home. I tried calling him because I was concerned about him. My son had asked him earlier, if he wanted a ride home because he didn't sound right. He said he was fine.
Now, a little background on him. He was a "former cocaine user" before we married. He didn't tell me until after we were married. One night, he and I had gone out with some of his friends. A friend was buying shots, and we both were drinking way too much. We should not have driven home, but we did. On our way home, we got into a huge argument. I made him stop the car and I got out. I saw him drive away. It didn't take long for me to hope for him to turn around and pick me up. He never did. I walked three miles, in a pair of heeled boots, before a police officer saw me walking beside the highway. The police officer didn't ask many questions, before taking me home. I simply told him that we had an argument and I was walking home. My husband didn't return home until the next morning. A little later, when I went to his car, looking for my purse, I found it was gone. Long story short...he went to a very bad area of the city, and bought cocaine, and somehow, my purse was stolen from the car. Not only were we out $300 that he deducted from our checking account, for the coke, but someone had started to use my ID, debit card, and checks. He swore he would never use again. Anyway, enough of that story.
Since then, he has had some health issues, issues with employment, and got a DUI, after driving home from the local bar. This was his second DUI. He had one before we were married. He has since taken care of all of the court and state requirements regarding that. He has promised me so many times that he is finished with drinking. He can't just drink one or two beers. He has to have 6 - 10. He never drinks at home, and he doesn't go out often, but when he does, he has a mission to become intoxicated. With the intoxication comes a very arrogant and ugly monster. If that monster appears, I know it is time to just go to my bedroom and stay quiet. Of course, it has taken me quite a few years to master that skill.
Fast forward to Monday. When he didn't come home, I checked our cell phone account for activity, and found none, aside from my text messages to him. He never replied to them, and never answered his phone. I then became concerned that he might been stopped by the police, or stopped somewhere and had been car-jacked. My mind started playing every horrible scenario possible inside my head. I then decided to check our bank account. There was a withdrawal for $100 at one ATM, and $200 at another. They were strange locations however. They weren't towards the seedy side of town. My youngest son recognized that he wasn't home, so he and his friend decided to look for him at other local bars. He also called my older son (who doesn't live with us). The older son, and his friend, started looking for him. The goal was to find him, and bring him home safely. I was still concerned that something bad had happened to him. Then, younger son called. He had gone to the address of the second ATM, which was a gas station/convenience store. He showed the clerk a picture of my husband. She said she recognized him and said that he looked intoxicated.
My husband arrived home at 9:30, and I could tell that he was on something. His eyes weren't glossy from drinking. He had a "deer in the headlights" look, and was really sketchy. He said hello. I walked right past him, without saying a word, and went upstairs to avoid him, and to keep from saying anything to start an argument. My sons were home in no time, and they confronted him. It was pretty ugly, but they were right. He had put himself, and others, in danger, by driving like that, and they wanted to know where the money was. I then went out to his car to look for cash, his debit card, etc. The card was there, but no cash. I also found one of those vape devices that the kids all use nowadays. I asked him who it belonged to. He said that he bought it, and that's where the money went. My oldest son looked at it. It was teal in color and had pink and powder blue bands around the metal thing at the top. My son said, this is used, and it belongs to a girl. There's no way you spent $300 on this. When he didn't answer questions, they then asked if he had bought a prostitute, or been with another woman. He denied that and said the vape was his. I went upstairs and packed a bag. My youngest son went with his friend, to his house, and I went to my oldest son's house to stay the night. He sent me several text messages, but I didn't reply.
Last night, I went to my son's house, after work, and had dinner. I got home at 9:00. I decided not to talk to him because I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I went to bed without speaking with him.
This morning, I woke him up. He had slept on the couch. I told him that I was ready to hear the true story of what happened. He sighed, and put his head in his hands, and then looked directly at me and said that he was extremely ashamed of his behavior, and wouldn't blame me if I kicked him out. Apparently, he had been drinking beer, had done several shots, and was talking to some friends. The subject turned towards drugs, and he admitted that he had used coke before. The friends left. That's when a girl came to sit beside him. She said she had overheard his conversation and told him that coke was her drug of choice. One thing led to another and he ended up meeting her at her house, they purchased the coke, and went back to her house and used it. He claims that he has never seen her before. Her name is Amber. He doesn't have her phone number, and that nothing happened between them physically. I do believe the physical part. If there's one thing I know, he would not betray me in that way. Also, if he had that much to drink, I'm sure his equipment wouldn't work properly anyway.
After his admission, I told him that I needed to think about things. I told him that he didn't have to leave right now, but he needed help. He said that he knew he did. He said that he spent the entire day before, praying for God to help him. He said that he has been blaming God, and everyone else, for bad things that have happened in his life, and mine. Side note...I lost my Dad to cancer last year, and I had some serious medical issues that required emergency surgery, and I've had some health issues since then. My husband told me that he realizes he cannot drink...at all. He wants to stay away from any social events that involve drinking. He wants to be the husband I deserve, and he was truly sorry for his behavior. I thanked him for his apology and told him that I would consider his words, but his actions are what I would be watching for. He put his arms out to give me a hug, and I left for work, walking right past him.
He works from home, so he has the ability to go on-line and do other things. He said that he joined an on-line AA community, and had already had some discussions with people who gave him some advice and support. He told me that he wants to start each day with prayer, and end each night with prayer. He also said that he recognizes that he has avoided church (I'm very active with my church) and that he had started resented my faith and my dedication to my church. It was pretty much a pride thing. So...here we go... I have to say that I have prayed for him, daily, since we came together. We watched the movie The War Room, at his suggestion. He felt touched by the movie, but didn't act on it. I'm guessing my prayers have been heard. At least there is a glimmer of hope. However, I'm skeptical and will be very aware.
There's my story. I looked here to see what it's all about. I've read some posts, and I'm looking forward to the support I might find here as I start this new adventure.
Welocme Sweetnesss I am glad that you found us and that hubby is attempting ot seek recovery in AA. Alcoholism is a chronic , progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. It can be arrested but never cured. Alcoholism is considered a "Family Disease" because we who live with the disease become ill as well and require a program of recovery of our own. Alanon is that program. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is found in the white pages. I urge you to search the meetings out and attend. It is there that I learned how to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time with restored self esteem and self worth. Please keep coming here as well. There is hope .
Hello Sweetness - I too welcome you to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad you shared. We who live with addictive people often become as crazy as they are - we develop unhealthy ways of coping, covering and managing around the disease. I can relate to his path - entered recovery on the AA side 28+ years ago. I can understand your path too - my AH relapsed and never came back to recovery, which is where we met. We have 2 sons, and they are both afflicted with this disease - so it is common and unavoidable for me...
I found my way to Al-Anon when I felt very broken, angry, sad, hopeless and more. I was not a happy camper when folks told me they can't fix my qualifiers but they could help me cope, heal and deal with the affects of the disease. I truly was unsure what to do and where to go, and after some soul-searching figured it was worth my effort to try and work on me, just to see what happened.
We say here that nothing changes if nothing changes. Well....I began to change and things improved. I played a huge role (unintentionally and unknowingly) in the drama/chaos that comes with this disease and by me choosing to act and react differently, things were calmer and different.
We do not have a perfect family - not even close. But, I find peace and joy each day in my part of life and they seems to function as they want/need to. It's working for us. You'r children are also eligible for Al-A-Teen, if it seems of interest to them.
You are not alone and I hope you keep coming back!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Sweetness and welcome to the board...We are like you friends and family of others who are addicted to drugs and alcohol who we cannot live with sanely. We help each other to gain and maintain our own sanity and serenity. Do yourself a favor and go to the white pages of your local telephone book. Look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call it to find out where and when we get together in your area. Al-Anon is everywhere and so there has been and is a lot of help right around you in your neighborhood. I pray you well as I also do your husband. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for the welcome, ladies. He was home, when I arrived home, last night. He was having problems with his cell phone, so I was trying to see what I could do to help. He said, "Before you start, can we please pray?" He had told me yesterday, through a text, that he wants to pray with me every morning, and every night. He wants me to hear his words as he asks God for help. So, we held hands and prayed. We watched a baseball game on TV, and then I went to bed. I gave him a hug, but neither of us held each other as tightly as we normally do. I woke up this morning and got ready for work. He was still asleep on the couch. Before I was about to leave, I woke him and asked him if he wanted to pray. We held hands, and he prayed, but he prayed silently. I told him to have a good day and I left. I was discouraged. Inside of my head was the thought, "Okay, yesterday he said he wanted to pray with me, and he wanted me to hear his words. Here we go. He is not following through with something he said he wanted to do". I got into my car, and I prayed for God to help me with that discouragement. I don't want to be skeptical and bitter. However, I want to hold him accountable, so I texted him and told him what I was feeling. He apologized for not praying out loud, and said that he will be sure to do that in the future. He said he had a really bad night and didn't sleep. I'm sure he is thinking about all of the financial problems we are dealing with right now. His commission check hit yesterday, and it was half of what it was supposed to be because of customers not paying their bills. One of our car payments hit twice. And, of course,, there was the money he withdrew the other night. Thank you for the encouragement. I will definitely be looking into a Face to Face meeting in my area. Have a beautiful day, everyone.
sweetness - you too have a beautiful day. One important element I held onto when I arrived in Al-Anon was focus on the progress. Was last night and today better than before? I could almost always say a resounding Yes. I am a personality type that does expect others to do what they say and be where they are to be. I had to be taught in Al-Anon that we were all raised differently and my values are not aligned with anybody else's values.
So - just for processing purposes, perhaps his commitment to pray didn't consider different waking times? Perhaps his desire to be/stay sober is frightening? Perhaps he was still sleepy and not thinking about out-loud prayers? The program gave me permission to stop assuming the worst and to focus on what is working vs. what is not working.
The best gift in Al-Anon for me is getting to a point where I can accept that I am human, and with that comes mistakes. Past, Present & Future. That applies to every person I come in contact with too. Staying mindful of progress vs. perfection allows me to see in small ways where things are a bit better - if for nobody but me and my thinking - I'll take it!!
(((Hugs))) - let us know how your meeting goes!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, I am here. Your words really struck me.
I'm realizing that I have to accept the small changes I see, and be encouraged by them. I guess I've just been hurt, so many times, that I'm skeptical. My first thoughts on Monday night were, "Why can't I have a husband who doesn't hurt me?". My first marriage ended because of my ex husband's infidelities and mental abuse. My current husband was someone I knew from childhood. Seeing him again, after 20 years, felt like coming home. He helped me feel worthy of love, and I felt I could completely trust him. What I've got to realize is that he isn't trying to hurt me. He has an illness that I cannot control, and it's not my problem. It is his.
I will do my best to hold onto hope and be grateful for the little things. Thank you for helping me remember that.
Excellent processing sweetness - I fully understand where you are.....and how the past hurts affect our current thinking/processing. I was able to begin letting go by doing exactly what you just did - realize it was not intentional pain and that my qualifier(s) have an illness/disease. Great job looking for gratitude in the small things - it does help - and remember we're always close by - usually just a post away!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sweetness. Hi! Thanks for chatting in the online group this a.m.. :)
I wish so much that things were different for all of us. I do the same thing where I wish my husband was different. He is a hero to so many in the community (he's a cop). I feel it's all a fraud because I know the man at home.. It hurts so bad. And he had an affair too. He admitted it to me. He met her 1 year ago today. Damn dates are stuck in my head.. :(
I get the feeling of coming home. When my husband and I fight (we never used to until the affair was disclosed), all I want is for him to say sorry and hold me. It hurts so bad to be cheated. Either sexually or emotionally. And alcohol will do both.
Oh, Leah. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Dates stick in my head, and so do songs. I'm so sorry that your husband did that.
I totally get the community thing too. My husband is a coach, and is looked up to by so many. I know that he feels shame for what he did. He seems to finally accepting his responsibility for where he is, and where we are...financially, emotionally, etc. He just left for practice and mentioned that he wants to have a weekly game, or date, night. He said it was totally up to me if I wanted to do this. I'm sure it is something that was suggested to him through someone with AA. We need to bring things to lighter terms.
I hope that you do something special for YOU today, so it turns your day around.
Iamhere, I sense your experience and knowledge, and I'm already loving reading what you write. I will try my best to have a sense of gratitude and not relive what happened the other night.
