The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things have been hard here lately (well, for the past few years) and haven't gotten better. Last night I couldn't sleep, I was so mad and upset and scared that the marriage is over, that I'll never get well enough to leave my room, that my oldest kid will not make it through her medical issues, lots of things. Praying didn't work, thinking didn't work, nothing worked. Then I remembered step one and it clicked. I am powerless over my husband's behaviors, powerless over my daughter's medical issues, powerless over my chronic illness, powerless over giving my service dog enough exercise, powerless over whether I will ever see the beach again, powerless over the state of the house, powerless over whether the marriage survives or not, powerless over every single thing that was keeping me awake. I would have thought that that would be a terrible feeling, but it wasn't. It meant I could stop trying to make things happen that I have no control over. It was wonderful. I'm physically exhausted today, too sick to get out of bed or talk, but I feel better.
Good Job FHP. I found that the feeling of "powerlessness" enabled me to be'free' of fear and dread . I could then allow my life to unfold, trusting HP that I would have the courage, serenity and wisdom to handle life on life"s terms.
I'm glad that helps you. I'm not sure feeling completely powerless would help me at all. I mean, I know there are some things I can't control, but I don't think that makes me powerless over them. I have power over my reactions to them. I have an ex who was severely physically abusive. I nearly died - he lacerated my spleen and kidney and I almost bled to death internally. Thank God for blood transfusions. He kept me powerless in many ways. I had no money, no friends or family nearby, and no way to leave. But I still had power over myself. He would hit me and I get back up and look at him full on. He would knock me down and tell me to stay down. I would stand back up, look him in the eye, and say, "No! Hit me again. Feel like a man yet?" It didn't make him stop hitting me, but it kept me sane. I couldn't physically fight back, but I could fight back mentally. I wouldn't let him break me.
Maybe I'm just not totally getting the powerless thing. But I just don't think I could ever be ok with seeing myself as powerless. I may not be able to change other people or certain situations, or the weather, etc. But I definitely have power over my state of mind. And no matter what, I will always stand tall and hold my head high because I wasn't raised to back down. Which is actually partly why I still haven't grabbed a cigarette. I won't back down to the cravings, either.
Thanks, HotRod. It did help me let go of all the fears. And I hope I can sleep better tonight.
I think I understand where you're coming from, WL. And I agree. I am the only person I have power over, and the only thing I can control is my response to things. I can't control my husband's behaviors, I can't fix my daughter's medical issues, I can't make my body well just because I want those things to change. But I can give up the idea that somehow it's my job to fix them, that if I tried hard enough or knew the right words, or something, I could change them. I never thought admitting I was powerless would be helpful, trust me, it's nothing I ever imagined would feel good! But it does. It doesn't mean I feel helpless, it's more about being honest about what I can and can't change, instead of feeling desperate and guilty that I can't fix things. It's ok with me (well, I'm trying to be ok with it, it's still new to me) to admit I'm powerless over things that I can't control, because that means I can channel my energy into what I can do instead of fretting and wondering why I couldn't make them change. Because I'm so sick, with somewhere between 2% and 10% of the energy I had when I was well, it's really important for me to use that energy wisely. I was stuck in emotions that were squandering my physical strength. Admitting I'm powerless was what I needed to do. And I hope I can keep it up. It's not 2nd nature to me yet...
Thank you for responding, you helped me think through this powerless thing a bit more.
I'm sorry you went through all that abuse, but so glad you've come through with your spirit intact!
HI again to clarify the concept of powerlessness , I had to remember that :"Being powerless" did not mean being "helpless". It simply meant that I understood the truth- that I could not change other people, places or things and that if I stopped wasting my time and energy on trying to accomplish the impossible, I could stop trying to do so and place my energy on performing constructive actions to help myself.
WL I too am sorry that your suffered in such a fashion and am glad you are here.
In order to accomplish step one, I had to exchange the word powerless for control. For me as a Nurse, I couldn't accept the term powerless, as I have the knowledge and power to change peoples lives medically every day, I couldn't separate the disease and my practice in my head in terms of powerless. Once I changed it to control, I have no control over his drinking, his choices, his recovery the whole thing clicked.
Whatever works !!! :)
For me powerless indicated that the power over another life was not mine. I could only help others, if they were willing to participate. I could not force solutions.
@Fooled: I'm with you on that. You just helped me a lot by changing it to "control " as the word "powerless " is also something I've struggled with as I too am in health care and help people medically at work all day. Replacing the word with "control " in my head makes it click for me too! Thank you! It was just what I needed to hear this morning after a very bad night last night with my teen son! Hugs!
FHP - great job working Step One! I was one who struggled with this also, as I viewed being powerless as being weak. Oh so not true in my case and with my program. Once I learned that powerlessness had to do with surrendering to all that we can not control, I found a completely new way to live and be.
I have total power over me, my actions and my reactions. I have power over who get's space in my head and who does not. I have power over how I spend my time and with whom I spend it. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be miserable. I can chose to be co-dependent or independent. Freedom from the bondage of self-obsession about things well beyond my control is a freedom that was gifted to me by way of this program.
I am so grateful that I learned being powerless actually restored my personal power and integrity. This was the key for me to understand happiness is a by-product of right living and that nobody or nothing has the power to affect my mood, joy or serenity unless I give it to them.
For me, powerlessness was a big step in gratitude. Grateful for who I am, where I am and what I have been gifted. This includes lovely MIP friends, a great sponsor, a powerful program and program friends who are real to me and with me.
(((FHP))) - way to change things up and find peace in a restless sleep situation!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think control would definitely be easier for me to accept than powerless. I know the meaning is the same, but the word powerless just really goes against the grain for me.
And, as far as my ex goes, it's over. I'm out. I'm safe and I rebuilt my life. Even though my bf has a drinking problem, he isn't abusive in the slightest and he makes me feel valued and loved and appreciated. And, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I actually have that tattooed on me. Having to fight so hard against him definitely made me stronger. I'm having no problem sticking to my boundaries with my boyfriend. I was able to stick to my guns while being beat so its really easy to do it with someone who's never done anything to hurt me. I'm not afraid of him. I don't have to be. I only say something if I mean it and he is aware of that. I'm still handling my life. I'm going to work, keeping up with my classes, spending time with family and friends, and whatever else I want or need to do. I believe in him. I know he can do this. I can't help him, but I can support him while he does it. And part of that support is sticking to my word.
