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Not sure, not even going to guess, but if I were to place a bet I would have to say that tomorrow the sobriety clock starts at 0 again. At first I wasn't sure, so I just kept my mouth shut and watched during dinner. He asked me the same question 3 times!! He tried to keep a physical distance from me so I wouldn't smell it and didn't give me my obligatory Honey I'm home smooch, lost his lunchbox in the 20 feet from the driveway to the house....I just sat there. My face was as flat as a pancake. I showed no emotion. No judgment. No questions either. Oh he tried to engage a handful of times, each time more hostile than the other with the "What is wrong with you" Never got to this point so I really didn't have a response ready for that, didn't want to deny but didn't want to react so I just said, "Why do you ask" or "I have nothing to say" "I am actually OK right now" In some ways I felt like a child giving a bad case of the silent treatment, but also a little victorious because I was able to control myself and there was no fighting.
-- Edited by Fooled on Tuesday 5th of April 2016 06:54:07 PM
Good job! Congratulations! This is what I meant in my other post about not being powerless. You don't have any power of his drinking, but you still have power over yourself. You have power over your reactions. And you stayed in control. That's awesome. I'm proud of you.
(((Fooled))) - you done good. In my world when I suspected, I knew that asking would result in either fights or lies, which became less and less desirable. I have to remind myself often that I am only responsible for me, my actions and my reactions. Living with an active alcoholic is chaotic at times, and finding different ways of dealing and healing are certainly part of recovery.
Be gentle with you today and know that nothing you say, do, feel will help him to recover or relapse. The three C's come to mind.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think ya Did Great as Well... Even Your Responses where Just that, you didn't React... You Responded Gently
When I 1st Started to Practice this, Boy did it Feel Good that I didn't Engage... It did Feel Very Different then what I was Use too... But Still Felt Good.. My Entire FOO Family is somehow Effected by this Disease, and I'm the Only one in Recovery, so it can Get Crazy in my Head Easily... Reminding myself they are "Sick" and Realizing when they are ON... Nothing they Say or Do is Rational, I Set Boundary's that I Would Not Engage when they was ON the ISM Train... I would Back away Slowly, and Take a Bath, Read a Book, Take a Walk...
I Remember Writing Down Responses Just so I Could use to Saying them when I Needed them :) "Oh, Sorry you Feel that Way", "I don't care to talk right now", "Thanks for Asking but I'll Be Fine", "Feeling a little Off today is All" "Good for you" and Usually after My ONE Liners, I would Just Exit the Room :) lol All Sounds Silly, but after Many Practices it Felt Pretty Good to have a Little More Control Over ME, and Allow them to have Their Own Control...
Ya Did Good... Be Gentle on You Today and know... Your Growing Everyday... KEEP COMING BACK :)
Oh I know that feeling! Especially when they try and "sneak" it like you wouldn't know. I am learning to do the same, not respond with anger. And then I feel kinda like you said, as if I am treating him like a child with flat answers. BUT from all I have read it seems that is the BEST way to handle the situation because you are not losing your cool and he cannot blame you for creating any drama.
Progress, not perfection, and it sounds like progress was definitely made. Now keep it up for today, no reason to get mad at him today if he denies he was drunk, or wants to pin it on you, etc, it's all part of his disease. After awhile he will see that you don't take that bait anymore, and won't be able to blame you. He may go look for someone else to blame besides himself, but it won't be you!
I found when i took responsibility for adding firewood[ screaming,accusing,etc] onto the fire[ emotional outburst] of my xah , the fire petered out. I did this by refusing to get into it, detaching,distracting,leaving the space, doing something for myself. Whenever i felt the urge to get into the fray, i consciously thought that i dont want my house on fire[ stressful place]
I am learning to do the same, not respond with anger. And then I feel kinda like you said, as if I am treating him like a child with flat answers. BUT from all I have read it seems that is the BEST way to handle the situation because you are not losing your cool and he cannot blame you for creating any drama. 