The material presented
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So after admitting he has a problem last night, my husband apparently kept my daughter home from school (3rd grade) again to go hiking. This is typical behavior on his end. He will do something to let us down as a family:
Not pick up a kid after school because he was out hiking longer than he thought he would be (by 5+ hours at times OVER expected return time)
Be an a**hole one night
Get in an argument about something
Miss an important date
And the next morning he is SO SORRY. He works shift work so has off quite a few days during the week. I work M-F. So he will keep the kids home and make it up to them in a way. I hate this behavior. It's so reckless and careless. It isn't showing LOVE in my opinion. Last time he did it he said it was the last time. (Sound familiar..?). We get notices from the school that she has missed more then she's allowed in a year (about 12 days now, but not all from this..).
Do you have any friends or family members who could be responsible for making sure the kids get to school on the days when you work? Could you make some kind of plan with the kids so they have someone to call if he doesn't pick them up? When someone shows me that they can't handle their responsibilities, I either take care of them myself or find another way to make sure things get done. I don't place any trust or faith in people who have shown that they can't handle it. Rather than risking something important not getting done, I find a way to make sure someone can pick up the slack.
This sounds somewhat familiar to me. My RAH whenever he would "screw" up or cost the family in some way the next couple of days would be spent, as my son would say, "sucking up" It left us all very confused, bitter and manipulated. The keeping the children home from school to make it up to them was one of the first boundaries I set. I have a flexible work schedule so it was easier for me to push things back so that I could ensure they went to school the days after or if I couldn't I asked my neighbor. I also educated my kids on the long term effects of absenteeism. Prior to his entering rehab in January, RAH tried to keep my daughter home from school to go Christmas shopping and a dad daughter date and my daughter turned him down for a test that day in school. So, he asked about after school. Now, if that I happens I always make sure we (the kids and I) have something to do, book fair, baseball game, shoe shopping, even spur of the moment like baking cookies. My mother used to do the same thing when my father acted up. He worked away and he always called Wednesday nights. My mom set her boundary as don't call if you have been drinking. So, if he didn't call Wednesday night, she would make sure we were busy Thursday so we would miss his call (this is prior to cell phones btw) even if it was talking a walk. Good awareness on the anger, recognizing your feelings is the hardest part.
Unfortunately, I do not have any family or even close friends here who could make sure they got to school. I didn't even find out until about noon that he had kept her home.
Leah - so sorry that the disease is affecting your children. My AH did this a few times. I started putting his phone number down as the contact for absences and also would give him the notices from the school about attendance. He wasn't sure what to do with them, so I suggested he call the school to work on a plan to improve the situation.
I then "let go and let God". When he had to have the meeting and listen to the school about the state guidelines, etc. he stopped doing this. While there were other things he did as a result of his disease that I considered 'left of normal', I didn't dwell on them. If they became an issue, I did all that I could to back out of the middle and let him work on the solution.
It's our job as parents to ensure our children get to school and are safe. The program gave me insight into how to manage the affects of the disease in a constructive way without having to involve others to assist. My best solutions come when I pray/meditate about it, talk with a sponsor or program friend and then look at the situation as if I were offering constructive input to a best friend.
I learned that many of the ways I handled things before this program were not very effective and were often ways to control the person, place or thing. By 'passing the monkey' back to the proper owner, I was able to let go and let the outcome be as it should.
(((Hugs))) - you can get through this and you will!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Boy, isn't that true. I am learning the ways I handled the 'mishaps' weren't effective. They were enabling. And we get so burnt out doing all the cleaning up of whatever mess is made. Even if he isn't drinking at the time, those choices he makes are quite effective at tearing down a home. But so are mine I suppose. Because I can't to it all. I can't be the one who is emotionally drained from worrying if he'll do what he says, or what way he'll let me down next. It's like you start to count on the unaccountable. Insanity. And then when you open your eyes to it, it's suddenly clear. But there's a lot more room to roam in that clear space and it's scary. New. :(
((Leah)) Alanon will provide tools and support as you develop new tools and learn to live life on life's terms, trusting HP and focused on yourself. Keep coming back You are doing great
