The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I just ordered the book "Getting Them Sober" for some answers.. but still in the meantime I am so confused as to what I say or do the next day when he wakes up and says sorry, he is tired of disappointing us and that he just had a relapse and that he is doing his best. (he is trying to get sober)
I use to get really mad, yell, tell him he isn't trying hard enough or not really engage in any affection for days afterwards. Now I just wonder what the heck do I say now? I am not yelling or screaming anymore. (I have learned lately that my behavior in that sense didn't help at all) I know he can tell I am disappointed by my face. But just going on talking about my day or the weather just seems like I am just "ok" with what just happen. Is that what I am suppose to do? Not react the next day?
This is the main thing that confuses me so much.
-- Edited by Aerin on Monday 4th of April 2016 01:55:26 PM
We Don't Give advise, but I Will say that For Me, when I have been in this Spot... I don't have to Say Anything... They can Say Sorry a Million times, and it only means something if they Change the Behavior... if they Don't well the Definition of Insanity is.. "Keep Doing the Same thing Over & Over and Expecting Different Results" I don't Engage in their Crazy... but What I Do do is Set up Boundary's the Protect me and their Crazy...
Couple Examples for Me might me:
I don't Argue, don't have time for it... If It Can't be Talked Out SOBER... We don't Talk about it till they are...
When they are Causing a Scene in Public, I don't say a Word, I Just Walk to the Nearest Exit and Let them have their Fit... Sitting in the Car is Way More Fun to Me then Being part of their Public Display, Besides I Always Carry a Daily Reader with me and its Helps to have on Hand ;) ... If their Actions are Sucking the life out of Me at Home... I Take a Drive to Clear my Head, or I Walk, Meditate, anything to get me Out of their Line of Fire... When My Son was Younger, I Would Take him to a Park, and While he Played I'd Sit at the Table and Journal out my Feelings... Hell I've Even Hid in the Bathroom, Soaked in the Tub... So As Their Misery didn't Become Mine... When I'm So Focused on them, there is NO Me :/
So The BEST Relief I have Found in Moments Such as these Is:
Call my Sponsor or Recovery Friend talk it out
Make a Face to Face Meeting
Read My Daily Readers
And Once they Get Me Back On My Feet, I Celebrate... I Allow myself Some Time to Myself, Go walking, Take Pictures, Do Crafts, and Continue on With Being ME... Not Being their Babysitter or Punching Board...
There are Many Answers to your Question... But Only you can Find the Right Fit for you... But Coming Here, Sharing, and Being Honest... Well you Will have No Problem Finding your Fit... We Strive for "Progress Not Perfection" So Be You
I would recall that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that is extremely difficult to live with. I would simply say, I understand that this disease is deadly and in order to recover, I have heard that AA offers many useful tools that could help and then walk away.
If he wants to continue the conversation, I would say I am attending alanon face to face meeetings and I know that aa has ones very much the same -- You can find additional information by calling the number in the phone book.
I've been there and it's tough. There are so many things I used to say, in anger, in fear, in frustration and no matter what I said or in what emotion came with it, I could not bring about a solution, a fix or even comfort for them.
What I did learn to say was, "Thank you for apologizing. Nothing more and nothing less. If they wanted to keep talking about getting sober, I gave them the phone book or the laptop to do the research to make it happen. I spent countless hours finding space in treatment centers - more than 10 times. It meant more to them when they did the legwork.
I truly had no more words that had not already been spoken, so as Jozie and Betty have suggested, I went to a meeting, called a sponsor or program friend, went for a walk, went to the bathroom, went about my day. I had to remove myself in the beginning physically to keep from entangling in their problem, as I was such an enabler...
(((Hugs))) - take care of you and hope he chooses the same for him!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you ladies, I really think I am getting the idea and I am actually EXCITED about it! I didn't think I could ever find a calm mind. I was always arguing my point. I swear I could cry because I finally I feel like "I" have some control.
