Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Sad tonight.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh man I can relate. And love that you see the people around you can't fill that void for you even though it's part of your routine. I only call my Mother when I'm in desperate need of a let down, and after that conversation I am in pure victim mode and have to stop and practice some great act of self care to feel okay again. Nothing will ever be good enough and I think she will suddenly change who she is and congratulate me for raising my kids and well, graduating college, passing my RN boards, but my expectations let me down. I have really surrounded myself with positive healthy people, but just sometimes I want my blood to be what I want from them instead of who they are and it hurts. I am reminded to stop going to the hardware store for the bread I am starving for. I am sorry you feel let down by those closest to you! Take good care of you and show yourself the love you deserve! Sending you much love and support MissM!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks BF

a great act of self care is needed. My usual, life-long response to these kinds of feelings has been to self destruct so this is a situation where i need to make a conscious effort to do things differently.
Tomorrow I have the day free. Daughter has a friend coming to stay on Tuesday/Wednesday and I'll be running them around so, I've told her tomorrow I am not taking her anywhere, I am having the day off. I don't know how I intend to spend it yet. Hmm. It will involve a swim and sauna though!! And maybe some op-shopping. that sounds nice -)

Love and support back at ya

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Ms.M. I am sorry that you are down and so understand the painful interaction with family I agree with BF, that accepting the reality of my FOO, letting go of unrealistic expectations, taking care of myself at all times when I am around them , allows me to connect interiorly with HP, and Detach from their insanity.
Swim and sauna sounds delightful

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

To me its a case of feeling your feelings and emotions.
They are not comfortable, no more just stuffing them
Down and hope they stay there, families are tough.

I now feel like I need to grow a harder outer skin. I am feeling
And facing what i was keeping out before or stuffing. My walls
are Down, i need to self protect, keep healthy and strong boundaries
for me, self care And self love, talking to someone loving, safe and
emotionally Healthy to help me walk thru the pain and hurt or
Let God walk me thru it.

You did good Melly, i keep my mother as far from me as possible.
She does not like healthy boundaries or the word NO. She will not
Change and or face herself. I am the only one of us that can change.
She does not push my buttons as much because i wont let her and
I call her on her stuff if she tries.

((((( melly)))))

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((MissMel))) - so sorry that you are down and hope you can 'turn that frown upside down'.... For me, family can be such a huge source of triggers and/or anxiety. About the time I think we are 'good', it's not true. I play a huge part in this as I have this fundamental belief that everyone should treat everyone with respect. I have had to learn over and over and over and over again that my values are not necessarily aligned with other people's values.

I love QTIP in moments like this. How another person treats me is about them, not about me. It is harder to apply when it's blood, but it is true! At times, I have to remove the label - mother, son, husband, etc. and just realize and see the person. It helps a bit!

I am a huge believer is a large dose of self-care when I am sad. Love a nice bubble bath, a face mask, a mani or pedi at home - something small that brightens my mood/day and is all about me. Of course, prayer and attempted meditation also often calm my emotions and center me too.

Know that we are here for you! My momma is now 81 and is slipping mentally. The good thing so far is she's nicer than when I was the black sheep of the family. Perhaps she's not able to recall that - don't know and don't care - it's been different. Her mother, my g-ma was sweet and lovely when I was small, and she got miserable and bitchy as she progressed through her 80s. I just do my best to keep my side of the street clean - always say I love you before the call ends....

Hang in there girl!!

WhiskeyLullabye · Senior Member

Family can definitely be hard. I had to cut my mother out of my life. Unfortunately, that makes it more difficult for me to see my younger sister. She's the brunette in my picture. She's 15 and still lives with our mother. I had to do what is best for me. My mother was a poison and she was stealing my joy. She's bipolar and won't get help and she has other issues. I have been much happier since I've cut off contact. And, now that I have a car, it is much easier to see my sister. I "kidnap" her on the Saturdays our mother works and we'll have some quality sister time. It's ever other weekend, so its pretty regular and we still have facebook and texting.
Also, I think it would be good to have a "sad routine." I do. I make a cup of hot tea, grab something chocolate, and either watch a movie or a book and relax me. In a few weeks, I'll have a couple of kittens to snuggle and I've found that it is nearly impossible to be sad when you're playing with a kitten. :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a great post for me holding it up to the light of the serenity prayer and the program. My sponsor taught me to "expect" that what didn't change wouldn't change unless those involved found the honesty, willingness and commitment to do so and that most often what would change was me. After a while he suggested that I would have to leave all thing alcohol and then I left my family and then alcoholic/addictive marriage. That saved my life and removed the interference that was there to my recovery in program. If nothing changes...nothing changes, is one of the realities I keep close to me regarding being around and in non-recovering people, places and things. Good that you had the suggestion to leave early whoever made it. Bless them. Thank HP also. ((((hugs)))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

People treat us the way we let them.why do you let your mother and your daughter treat you this way? It might help to look within for the reasons. You are a grown woman who can say clearly and camly, don't speak to me like that. You can be the one to decide to leave on your terms while showing her you won't stand for it. Your daughter would learn lots from you. Nothing changes until we make the change.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I remembered that I don't need to attend every argument am invited to, and I left. I'm happy with that.
Daughter apologised later, then today left me to sleep late and organised to go shop with a friend; she proudly announced that she'd arranged everything around not needing me to lift a finger. then her face fell and she said 'Oh except I need my pocket money to catch the bus so I guess I failed" (because that meant I needed to go to the bank, lol. Funny kid). Anyway I dropped her and her friend in town and I walked the dog by the river, then spent the afternoon hunting through op shops and finding some real treasures; quite excited really as I just about did an entire winter wardrobe for about $50!! Score. Really nice Gucci handbag too, and I swear it's not a knock off. Now dinner is in the oven and I've decided I can't be bothered going to the pool or gym tonight so it's dinner and some tv with the offspring and all in all it's been a lovely easy day. Much happier now

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

disbelief Good news Ms.M. Sounds like a delightful day.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad your happy now Mel. Its great that we learn to turn things positive for ourselves with a change in mindset.

In my own experience, lessons just keep coming over and over until I learned to handle them correctly. Asserting yourself with both your Mother and Daughter may be needed at some point. Not to get into an argument but to begin a shift in what is acceptable and unacceptable to you. Accepting unacceptable behaviour has a knock on effect in terms of your self confidence and trust in yourself.

When I began to think about what i would tolerate and what I wouldnt my own behaviour changed. So, with my son any abusive language or name calling or disrespectable behaviour just became something I refused to put up with. I stopped arguing or explaining my views on it. I just stated that I wont tolerate it and I left the room and didnt tolerate it. The words have to be followed up with the action. Maybe looking within at the reasons you allow yourself to be abused would help. For me, I found out that I was in the habit of playing the victim role, the poor mes. I was the good one they were the bad ones and it kept me locked in to the cycle. Changing small things in a non dramatic way works wonders and you will feel better for it, you will also be setting a great example to your daughter. If she sees her grandmother treating you badly and you allo9wing it then of course she will think thats okay. By setting boundaries on behaviours I wont accept it has filtered through to my youngest son whose behaviour is so much better now and he also can set some boundaries for himself which is an added bonus. Healthy modelling gets back healthy behaviours in our children.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad you found your joy again MissMel! What a great way to spend the day.....it sounds very relaxing and peaceful. Keep on keeping on girl - doesn't it make you grateful for our program? I know I am!!! (((Hugs)))

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

It's amazing how passive/aggressiveness can ruin your day. Mom is in a bad mood, but won't really say why, so just makes everyone miserable. If only people would just say" you know what, I'm in a $h*tty mood today, just don't mind me while I grouse some" the world would be such a nicer place!

So instead, we get to practice our tools. Sounds like you did well, and final outcome was good.

Kenny

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene