The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking about the 1st step a lot lately. To me powerlessness over the alcoholic or his behaviour used to mean defeat so I kept on trying to employ various tactics to gain power over this disease and my sons actions therein. And of course my "tactics " only made the situation worse, escalated the behaviour then made me employ even more insane tactics to try to stop it! Looking at many of those incidents I now realize that I looked crazier than he did even though he was drunk or high and his behaviour started it all! To me the alcoholic/ problem drinker/ weed smoker/ disease is like a huge powerful hose that is spewing water so hard that it is thrashing to and fro and we ( or me in this case) are trying to grab ahold of it to stop it! Ever grab a power pressure hose that is stronger than you and try to control it? To me that is what it's like trying to control the alcoholic/ drug addict. And of course after awhile of grasping that hose and not stopping it we in our determination decide the best way to get control of it is to just jump right on it and ride it so we end up trashing around being tossed to and fro looking just as crazy or more crazy than the addict! Step one to me means I let go of the hose and let it run its course whatever that may mean ---- eventually the hose is going to trash around so much that it will disconnect itself from the facet ( in this case being the alcohol or drug of choice) or it's just going to wear itself out from all the wear and tear of the thrashing. Both of which we are powerless over because we are not as powerful as the water pressure in that hose! So now whenever I am tempted to start lecturing, to start trying to appeal to "common sense ", to start trying to appeal to emotions to correct or stop the behaviour/disease, I tell myself " stop trying to ride the hose!" So far it's working and my own emotions are calmer!
That is a really good analogy . . . or it would be if I didn't get a mental picture of actually riding a water house because it sounds like fun. But, I completely understand your point and I'm going to try to remember that.
((((Alicia)))) That is not so uncommon a perception from the enabler. Before I got serious in recovery I very often treated a more serious perception with humor. I did that so I failed to be serious in our life threatening disease. It certainly fits within the 1st step especially when you consider "unmanageable". Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
All I know is that when I was not in the middle of the chaos/drama caused by this disease, I was a friendly, happy, fun-to-be-around gal. When I came home and there was denial, confrontation, arguments, etc. I kept thinking I had some magical power to control the drama and/or change the others in my home. I had to finally admit and accept that I had no control over what any one else did, said, did not do, screamed, yelled, stole, etc. No control. No matter how much I wanted to keep them safe and change their path, I could not. I was totally and completely powerless over what another being chose to do each moment of each day.
My home life was beyond unmanageable. I woke up with dread, fear, anxiety, uncertainty and more. Each day - eggshells, waiting for the 2nd shoe to drop, phone calls from police, etc. I lived in perpetual (self-created) fear and anxiety of the unknown. I never paused, and never even saw all that was great/working in my life. My perceptions, attitudes, outlooks and actions were dominated by the actions and words of others.
That awareness right there is what finally convinced me that I had to surrender if I wanted to find any peace between my ears and joy for whatever years I have left. I just mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually could no longer live a life where I was always looking beyond myself for validation, happiness, joy, etc. I was beat down and crazy as crazy is...
Great processing! Just keep that focus on you - and I understand about feeling like you are defeated or giving up. I was there - 2 of my qualifiers are my boys. Folks told me at Al-Anon that God did not have grandchildren and I had an Aha moment....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
