Hi Everyone,

I've been working through some disappointment concerning a new job I accepted and have now left. I've been inventorying myself, looking at where red flags might have been present in the interview process. I have found a few and realize I should have resisted accepting this job. Some red flags were that my future supervisor told me in the interview that they'd fired someone for gossip and had zero tolerance concerning it. Although I wasn't concerned about my ability stay focused in the workplace, I did wonder how this supervisor had come to that conclusion. Had they taken the word of another employee, was it a breach of confidentiality rather than personal gossip, was the person given a chance to tell their side?  I asked no questions because I was anxious for the interesting job with development opportunities they had promised. I chose to ignore my discomfort with the gossip question even though it haunted me. At times I find that I can stand up for myself very well but it seems when I have to keep getting in there going toe to toe with someone particularly an employer, my concern is looking confrontational, like someone who is mistrusting, suspicious or a skeptic concerning others. Despite going over this gossip question repeatedly at home with my bf and with my sponsor, I was not encouraged to pursue it with this manager nor did I push myself to ask the questions which may have giving me more clues about the character of this manager.

When I began working for the new boss, I learned that they are a child of alcoholics with multiple addictions and had abandonment issues. I'm not diagnosing, the boss shared this openly at an all staff meeting with many sordid details of their childhood. My had learned their biological parent who'd left them as a young child had died. There had only been a handful of interactions with the parent over a lifetime but my new boss decided to go to the state where the biological parent had lived to claim anything withing their rights to have. I was only working there a few days when this occurred. My new boss was very angry, resentful and sarcastic when sharing with all the staff about their parents. Staff was quiet and non responsive.

When the boss returned, the staff had provided a very general expression of sympathy and a bouquet. When my boss met with me for a one to one meeting at some point in that meeting I mentioned having kept myself busy in their absence and waiting for them to approach me with what they needed as I mentioned in a personal card them. I left this to interpretation as to whether that meant job related or otherwise. My new boss' response was that they didn't need to be babied an we could go from here. I said ok but assured them that I was only offering them the same respect under the circumstances that I would offer anyone and what had been offered to me when I'd experienced a death. I said I was not "babying" you. I took that as another red flag and from that point on I acted as though the death event had not occurred.

From day one, the supervisor made great efforts to criticize my work despite the fact that I was in training. I certainly accepted and corrected the mistakes I made but I felt they were especially harsh. I'm not exactly a delicate flower when it comes to taking constructive criticism but honestly, my new boss acted entitled and rude. Of course with time and experience in program a person can choose to brush off this kind of behavior and not absorb it because of a sense of knowing who you are, having self worth. The question is do you really want to be in a toxic environment where the cause of the toxicity is the person in the highest rank of authority?

The greatest difficulty I learned was that my boss was a liar. This came as a surprise. I found that they corrected me, I corrected myself, things were approved by this boss but then they sited other mistakes in the work which they claimed to have magnanimously "let go." At that point, either the work was no longer available for me to review to see if what they were saying was true or I did review it and found that they had lied. I did defend that the work was indeed correct to the boss a few times but then I realized that this was always going to be a one upmanship kind thing with this boss. I realized this because they didn't respond to being mistaken about the accusation.

In less than three weeks employed by this company and supervisor, I heard them twice within two weeks, loudly expressing their remorse in the hallway for their inappropriate brash behavior toward others. I felt this was meant to hit whatever ears deserved a personal apology. It was presented in such a way that implied the boss was a victim of their uncontrolled anger. I have no doubt that this is not unfamiliar to many of you as it is not unfamiliar to me from having lived with active alcoholism at one time. Although unacceptable, I did try to keep in mind that maybe this person didn't have a recovery program.

Ultimately, they pulled a bait and switch concerning the duties of the position. I was only there a few weeks and I was continuously being given authority to make executive decisions that were rightfully theirs to make and not mine in the position I was hired for. I would do what was mine to do in the capacity of my role and hand back the reigns to them to make the decisions. They would repeat in a condescending manner what it was they were asking of me until I had to flatly tell them that in the role for which I was hired I didn't have the authority to make such decisions.

In the end, they found something petty to ensite an argument. They recalled duties I clearly told them I would not do as part of the role. They decided it was my job to do these things that it had been agreed upon the offer would not be mine to do. When I reminded them of this, they wrote me up as being insubordinate and insisted I sign. They left this with me a sealed envelope and went off to a meeting. I read it, got some feedback from a reliable outside source and offered my letter of resignation instead that day.

I see a common link between this boss and myself. I can see that we are both guilty of reaction. Perhaps mine is not quite as blatant as the boss but that really doesn't matter. My part does.

I see that I can be my own worse enemy.  I want to air on the side of there being just as much of a chance of something working out as not. The desire to have an interesting job has led me to ignore red flags in the last few jobs that I have accepted. Therefore, in my own way I am reacting and not responding just as this supervisor is doing with controlling and extreme expression of anger.

The supervisor's defects may be different but we are both in reaction mode.  I'm not excusing abuse but my Alanon program is about me not others and what I can do differently.  As progress, I am proud to have boundaries and gave back the work repeatedly that was this supervisor's responsibility after carrying it to the level of my own responsibility as her subordinate.  I'm also glad that I had the dignity to resign a position that wasn't presented honestly and for which there was no room for discussion with this supervisor. Where could I go with a supervisor who changes the facts to suit them on a daily basis. This was not a circumstance where I could simply stay until I found something better. This person was relentless perhaps because they was not able to fulfill the duties of their own position. Of course speculation is less important than that this was a very dysfunctional situation for me and I recognized it as such and got out. I was work searching today and saw the position re-posted. The title has been upped to a management title now.

I'm just glad for awareness and choices and hope to be making better ones concerning work.  Thank you for letting me share with you.  TT