The material presented
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Hi, everyone. This is my first time here. My twenty-seven-year-old daughter who works and lives out of the house is an alcoholic. She was diagnosed with OCD and depressive tendencies about eight years ago and was on medication that was no longer working. She said she turned to alcohol to cure her anxiety and that she was drinking vodka every night until she passed out. Somehow she managed to get up for work but often hated herself for what she did during her blackouts. She had admitted this recently to me and said she wanted help. Today she went to a new psychiatrist who is trying five new medications for her. This all felt hopeful to me.
Except recently she has been blaming us, her parents, for all that happened in her life, claiming that we abused her as a child because we didn't know she was having anxiety attacks and called them temper tantrums and we didn't put her on medication at that time. She seems to have taken any bad moment in life, like being ostracized by a friend in middle school, and turned it into her whole life. She is very smart and creative and passionate but was always highly sensitive. She writes and texts me horrible things, name-calling and making accusations of things that never happened. I read that this can happen during blackouts, but I'm feeling scared and hopeless at the moment.
Her sister refuses to listen to her and is angry. Her dad says he just wants her to get healthy and happy, but he is hurt by all she's said and so feels angry as well. I am trying to keep a positive perspective, but cry a lot. I had thought she was getting somewhere. As a mom, I don't know how to let go or if I have to.
I understand, I've been through a similar situation with my son. I got help in alanon. I learned to detach with love. I stopped taking the blame and enabling his self pity and lack of consequences to continue. I also learned to not allow mself to be abused by anyone for any reason.
At the moment your daughter is the centre of the universe in your family. She needs to have less power over you all. Alanon meetings will change all those for all of you.x
She is obviously hurting and angry and confused and doesn't know how to get out of the cycle. And she may well think, "I'll stop drinking when the other stuff stops hurting so much." But the truth is that alcohol messes up people's thinking, so the other stuff can't stop hurting so much until she stops drinking.
The unfortunate thing is that once you have made clear your concerns, if and when she decides to go into recovery (by which I mean a formal program like AA or other) and work her progam - is up to her. If we could force them to start and stick with it, someone would have found a way by now.
The most effective thing we can do is to start and work on our own recovery. Alcohol is so powerful that everyone around it is also affected by the chaos and insanity. So when we get our own program and tools to deal with the chaos, we are calmer and more effective, and we can also model the success of recovery for the alcoholic.
I hope you'll find a face-to-face meeting. Get the literature, read through the threads on here - and keep coming back. Hugs.
Thank you, el-cee. Yes, she has been the center of the universe, as you say. I had been letting her rage at me, to get the emotions out, but I'm seeing now that doesn't help at all. It has been odd with it being a child (adult now), but often I think we tiptoed around her even in young ages to keep things calm. That is probably enabling, but I need to learn the steps to detached love. I think I feel fear with that, like I'm envisioning a life ahead without her. Thank you so much for your words. It helps so much.
-- Edited by Hope4Healing on Thursday 31st of March 2016 06:43:34 AM
Welcome Hope I do so understand the pain of which your family is experencing and would like to offer Hope and my experience.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless . It can be arrested but never cured. It affects not only the person who drinks but the entire family- so that everyone needs a recovery program. AA is an effective program for those who drink and alanon has been founded to help family members.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages Developing new tool to live by, while receiving the support of like minded members ,is a lovely gift to give yourself.. When the pain of living with the disease became too great I too reached out for help to al anon and am so pleased that I did. It saved my sanity and life.
Actually the enitre family would benefit from attending as we learn new constructive tools to live by while allowing the alcoholic to live their lives with acceptance
Thank you, Mattie, for your help! She said originally that her therapist told her she wouldn't be able to stop drinking until she cleared up her emotional issues, but I think you are absolutely right. The drinking has to stop first. It does feel like a cycle of thoughts that she can't get out of. And I'm a little worried because her psychiatrist is giving her medication to help her stop drinking, but I have a friend who is a dry alcoholic. She didn't complete the program and continues to react to life in a blaming mode.
Yes, I have to let her do it on her own. Thank you for all your words and help. A neighbor goes to Alanon meetings nearby. I will look into that. It's hard to do all this on your own sometimes. I'm grateful for people here already.
-- Edited by Hope4Healing on Thursday 31st of March 2016 06:44:06 AM
Thank you, Hotrod! I think it's hard to realize when your in the midst of things sometimes how much you're being affected. I'm seeing that whether she gets help or not, the family needs to if we want to live without the fear in our stomachs and the hurt in the heart. It helps just knowing others are facing the same and finding ways through it. Thank you for your words. I'm going to be reading more today and I have a link to local meetings. Now to talk to the rest of the family about that too.
-- Edited by Hope4Healing on Thursday 31st of March 2016 06:44:31 AM
Hope4Healing - I too have been on the receiving end of the blame for all that is wrong with my son(s). Al-Anon would be a gift to yourself from you because the first thing we usually learn is the 3 Cs - 1. We didn't cause it. 2. We can't cure it. 3. We can't control it. Her processing, her words, her feelings, her blames - they are her disease. QTIP is a tool that helped me often and early on - Quit Taking It Personally. I struggled with this as much of it was personal, but I had to learn that they are battling the disease within themselves, and we are typically front and center for the outbursts.
She is sick - has a disease - which right now has control over her. She can choose to recover or not. Her choices as an adult are not yours to make, influence, accept or defend. This disease reaches well beyond the user and affects family/friends too. Going to Al-Anon will give you support, tools, experience, strength and hope - and you can find joy and peace no matter what she is/is not doing.
We work hard to keep the focus on ourselves. We don't examine, inventory, assess or attack the other. We just work on how we are, who we are, what we need and then we head that direction. We are able to stop looking at who and what they are/are doing by setting boundaries and detaching with love. When we look beyond ourselves for answers, we're shortchanging our own happiness and peace.
You are not alone - we are super glad you are here! Keep coming back and be gentle with you - you are not the cause....no matter what she says! She's just sick minded from the disease!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere, thank you for all your supportive words and for showing me some of the tools I'll learn here, the 3Cs and QTIPS. I find it hard to let go because, as parents, we're so used to helping and feel it's our duty. But, as you and others are saying, we can't control what they do or when they do it. And her choices aren't mine to make, influence, accept, or defend (I have to write down these words). It helps to know other parents who are facing the same thing. It helps to hear stories and ways to work through it. So thank you so much for responding. And for the words that made me cry now: be gentle with yourself. Sometimes you start to doubt yourself. I'm glad to be here.
I fully understand where you are and was there before I arrived. I felt beat down, washed up, a failure, etc. As I began to embrace the program, more was revealed to me as I was able to handle it. First, I was never nominated for mother of the year, but I did my best at all times based on what I knew and my frame of reference. I made mistakes and that's OK as I am human. I always loved them, but enabling them stunted their growth. My attempts to 'love' were often instead control.
When I stepped back and got out of the way, it got worse before it got better. What truly changed was me and at various points, they realized their choices had consequences and with each choice/decision they made, the outcome could be good or not so good.
One of mine is in recovery but we are not speaking. The other is still active, he's cutting back and trying to be sober his way, in his time, with his rules. I am strongly against this, but keep my opinions to myself. He's in a much better place today that he was a few years ago, so I am grateful and work each day to love him without judgment, resentments, anger, etc.
What I know now that I didn't know before - I did my job. If God were to call me home today, they would both be able to survive - I gave them all the skills necessary. If they want to go through life blaming others, ceasing to grow, bad attitude, projecting the worse case scenario, that's on them now - these are choices. We all have stuff that happened to us and we can either let it define us and hold it back or we can learn/grow and move forward.
I no longer believe in standing still - a wise program person told me that we are either moving forward or we are moving backwards....there's truly no holding still. I believe that now.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere, I'm going through all these same emotions, all those feelings of being a failed mom. I keep reminding myself of all the good times we had, all the ways we learned to work with my daughter, but here it is, her wanting to separate. You are dealing with separation/not speaking as well. That is so hard! I'm sorry you have faced that too. But I love what you said: "I did my job." Yes, they are grown and out in the world. And often I realize, we all had parents. No parent was perfect. Some siblings acted one way and some another, depending on the personalities they seem to be born with or choose to stick with. Thank you again, for your help and shared stories. This is a difficult day and I've been feeling sick with worries and fears. This forum has been helpful and everyone so kind. I hope to learn more from Al-Anon readings and be of some help to others one day too. Yes, wanting to move forward. Thank you.
I am glad you found us! Al Anon helps us learn how to detach and not react... I took a lot of things personal.... please keep coming back, your answers are here... remember you did NOT cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it! As Parents we do the best we can, with what we have. Take it easy on yourself, you are a fantastic person :)
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Sadly, I have found that most therapists may have some book-learning on alcoholism, but have no actual useful experience with it and give bad advice. My alcoholic ex-husband and I went to four counselors over the years and they were all well-meaning but they gave advice that actually ended up being harmful. They believed my ex when he said he'd "just stop" (had no idea it's not that easy), they believed his excuses, they thought it would all be cleared up if she just "worked through his problems," etc. He still uses some things they said as excuses now, many years later. One therapist I talked to later, who was not one of the useless ones, said she has a policy never to accept an addict/alcoholic for therapy unless they are also working a formal recovery program like AA, because otherwise the therapy with her will be useless. This bears out my experience.
Kats, thank you. I need to repeat those words. Maybe there is a lot of guilt with parenting? I appreciate the people here so much. Thank you for the "fantastic" encouragement. Funny how we do need to hear these things sometimes.
Mattie, this worries me, yes. At the moment, it seems like she's using what the therapists say as justification for her drinking and to blame others. From what I've seen of AA through a family member who has been recovered for 25 years, there is a sense of responsibility rather than blaming. I worry that my daughter will hold onto the behaviors of an alcoholic even if not drinking. If she lets me talk to her, I'd like to alert her to that need. But here I am wanting to cure and control? It's time to do some Al-Anon reading.
Thank you for sharing your stories. I truly appreciate how generous and supportive people here have been.
