Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Sober Bunny · Newbie

relationship is wonderful except for one painful issue. She has a group of friends she was formerly extremely sexually promiscuous with, which is something I'm prepared to deal with. The problem for me is she still kisses them on the lips and I'm simply not ok with the girl I love doing that with former sexual partners. The very thought of that turns my insides and leaves me feeling like I and our relationship mean nothing. I know she understands this because when it first occurred (this time with an ex-boyfriend, not just a sex partner) we discussed it and after a lot of excuses she finally admitted she wouldn't be ok worth me kissing my ex this way. I thought the issue was resolved until I found out about this group of friends that were not even relationships, merely sex, that she still wants to kiss. Ok, might as well be fully honest, they used to have orgies. She claims I'm "the love of her life", but resents me for my feelings on this matter. I proposed relationship counseling, but she's unwilling and claims I need to see a therapist because it's " not about her " and merely my own relationship issues. She refuses to consider that kissing former sex partners when in a monogamous relationship might not be ok and that there might not be something wrong with me for being hurt and worried about this. To top things off, she won't discuss it further even knowing how torn up I am about it and I don't know if this behavior is going to continue or not.

Which brings me to my question. When discussing my dilemma with a family member who's in AA, he asked if she was doing the steps and had a sponsor, which she is and does. And he suggested I wait it out as past sexual behavior will be addressed directly. I felt momentary relief until I realized that that is meant to be part of the fourth step, which she is already past. Looking over some of the material for the sexual inventory I saw the question "Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?" This is the very root of our one and only relationship issue. I also read that failing to be fully honest on this inventory is a surefire road to relapse. So I simply don't know what to do. I'm so proud of her for all the work she's put into her sobriety and I want to continue to be a loving and supportive boyfriend. Part of that is giving her a certain amount of space and privacy when it comes to AA, after all, it's her sobriety, not mine. But I fear both for her continued success as well as the success of our relationship if she doesn't truly and fearlessly face her issues. What is the right thing to do? Do I approach her sponsor (of course without asking for any information) to let them know we have a terrible issue in our relationship over her sexual choices that isn't being addressed at all? I worry that this would be overstepping a boundary I want to respect. Do I approach her directly? I fear the backlash as she's become very angry any time I've tried to address this issue. Do I just ignore it and do nothing? I worry for her success in the program if she's avoiding deep seated issues that she knows are affecting her present life.

It's incredibly important to me to be supportive of her in her new life of sobriety, but I genuinely don't know how to go about doing that right now. So I come to you who are in the program to seek guidance. Please! Help me be there for the woman I love!

Thank you sincerely for any advice on this matter,
S.B.

p.s. I tried to keep this relatively short, but this was the best I could do. My feelings are in such a tormented state.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Sober,
I would strongly urge you to seek out alanon face to face meetings and attend. The hot line number is in the white pages. The principles of both programs are similar as we practice anonymity and suggest that each member establish a one on one relationship with a sponsor.

Gossip , tale bearing and taking anyone else's inventory is discouraged so I would never recommend that you talk to her sponsor about this issue.

When and if you join alanon you could talk to your sponsor regarding this and explore solutions.
Basically,in alanon we practice the belief that we are powerless over people, places and things, and if her attitude regarding sex and kissing others, is different from yours then it might be suggested that you examine your motives for being in the relationship,to see if you are compatible in this area and if not and ask yourself if this is serious enough to end the relationship.

Alcoholism is a 3 fold disease. It affect the person physically, emotionally and spiritually Once the drinking stops the physical need lessens but the behavior generated by the emotional and spiritual "isms" are still very present and require much attention.
I believe that she may be working her program to the best of her ability at this time and your attendance at alanon might provide more insight

KT2015 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey there,
I am sorry to hear about this situation. I can understand that you would be hurt and torn about it. I have no experience in this area so I won't even attempt to share my experience. I will say that your idea of seeking an al anon meeting in your area might be helpful. There are many people in my face to face group who have a partner in AA and you might find some people with similar issues there.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

In Alanon face to face mtgs you can Learn to
get stronger in yourself and what you Find
acceptable or unacceptable.

Its about boundaries learning to set them for your
Self and your serenity. Detaching Is also another
great tool.

It is strongly recommended when one attends AA
The other attends Alanon so you both are trying to
Get healthy.

Each recovery is totally seperate. Its not a joint
Or blended effort. You each have your own higher
Power.

Alanon is a great program no matter what, Its
about us healing from The inside out. Changing
and growing as we listen, learn and absorb the
Wisdom.

Welcome and hugs

(((((( sober bunny))))

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP sober bunny. I will readily admit that I did not read your post - I have bad, bad eyes and following it with the cut and paste was too hard for me to do/get through.

We share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) here vs. advice. What I will share is that with 4 folks (me, my AH, my ASon1 and ASon2) all in own home, I had to keep the focus on me and my program and recovery and sanity and not on them. What they do, when they do it and whether they get sober/recovery is up to them. When more than one exist under one roof and only one is in recovery (me) seriously, I certainly jumped into Al-Anon, got healthier and then made boundaries with escape plans as needed.

What others do is not my business. If it encroaches on my business, I have an opportunity to set a boundary. If it gets too much, I go to a safe place. Meetings, program, steps, slogans saved me.

Keep coming back - glad you are here!! (((Hugs)))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Whether or not our bf/gf is an alcoholic, I think the saying "When a person shows you who they are, believe them" always applies.

I know that when someone I was involved with showed me that they did X or believed in Y, and that wasn't acceptable to me, my first, second, third and fourth instincts were to make them change. I would explain why what they were doing was wrong. I would explain why it was hurtful. I would explain why it was disrespectful. I would explain how they were hurting themselves instead of me.

Sometimes what they were doing really was wrong, hurtful, and disrepectful. Sometimes it was just stuff I didn't like, and sometimes that was my own problem.

Despite all that, the real thing the person was saying is, "This is who I am, and it's fine with me. So I'm not going to change."

And my response was, "But you have to change! You have to change! Here are the forty-three reasons why you have to change!"

It sounds to me like you and your girlfriend have some incompatibilities. She has a sexual past which are not comfortable with. She has or had attitudes toward sex which you are not comfortable with. It sounds like you're only semi-okay with it all if it seems like she's really changed, but she is still quite a bit like the person she used to be. Not saying that's good or bad. But it's not something you're comfortable with. So the person in the equation who's unhappy is you.

So the question that arises is the one that I always tried to sidestep - why be with someone who makes you so uncomfortable? My answer (an evasive answer) was always something like, "But this person would be a great fit for me if only this one thing were different! And this other one thing."

But it isn't different. Some of the reasons I stayed: I was afraid of being alone. I thought I had the moral high ground and the other person "should" change for me. I was addicted to the quest to make them change. I felt familiar and strangely comfortable being anxious and yet morally superior. It let me feel better than someone, and feeling better wasn't something I'd had enough of in life. And I didn't recognize that people who aren't compatible would be better off apart, rather than struggling with each other. I thought feeling attached was proof of a great love and a potential soulmate. In effect I was addicted to unhappiness.

Hope you will take good care of yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene