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I have been with my fiancé for 3 years now.. I have a son from before and we have a daughter together. I knew he liked to party when we met and due to me having my son at an early age I was intrigued by this environment. It was not an everyday thing and he seemed fine when we were out. It was a few months into dating that I noticed his obnoxious side with alcohol. Maybe it was a comfort thing, and he could finally let loose? He would be getting into fights with people, and seeming to act like a different person. When I first noticed him getting angry with me, I thought I did something, thought it was my fault and found myself apologizing to him on numerous occasions over nothing. He would always be better the next day so I would just try to go to bed and await the morning when my actual boyfriend would return. Over the years the occurrences have seemed to get worse. He had a difficult childhood and drinking always brings up his past. He creates these conversations in his head that never happened.. people calling him, putting him down, trying to fight him, me cheating, whatever excuse he can come up with for his need to drink. He has tried hurting himself recently, or at least threatened to hurt himself because he cant take it anymore, both events while he was drunk and absent from his mind. I feel naïve for not being able to leave, but these situations, which happen usually once a month tear me up. He doesn't remember how cruel he is to me while under the influence, however his words replay in my head over and over without him wanting to hear it. Please just tell me I'm not crazy, I just don't know what to do...
Welcome to MIP Layla Marie - glad you found us and glad that you shared! It sounds to me as if his drinking is causing issues in your life. This makes you qualified for the Al-Anon program which offers support and recovery for family and friends of alcoholics. Whether he considers himself an alcoholic or not, you can still go and attend Al-Anon and gain more information and understand ing about the disease and it's affects on those who love them or live with them.
Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease, and it's also called a family disease. We who live with excessive drinking tend to get sucked into the drama/chaos it causes. Our thinking and actions can become distorted and we loose ourselves in the process. My best suggestion would be to seek out local Al-Anon meetings and attend a few to understand what it's all about.
Each of us has a unique journey but the feelings we encounter are often similar. We all support each other by offering ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) vs. advice.
I hope you can find some peace in knowing you are not alone! Keep coming back here too - we're usually just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Layla Marie, this sounds like my husband. I have a son from a previous marriage and we have a daughter together. His drinking has gotten worse since she was born. He drinks and is mean to me but lovely to her. He recalls events entirely incorrectly and believes his version. He is verbally abusive when he drinks but denies it entirely when he is sober. I just started therapy, I highly recommend it. Until I have more tools I have resolved to not engage in arguements with him while he is drinking. It's hard but it keeps things calm for our daughter. You're not alone. X
I remember now the lessons in early program where I learned and accepted the definitions of alcoholism; that alcohol is a MIND AND MOOD ALTERING CHEMICAL and that when I react to "the alcoholic" as if I am "reacting to the non-drunk" I will always be inappropriate. When my alcoholic/addict wife and I were both drinking it was, I was, she was a MESS and nothing was sane. I needed to stop my own drinking (I did) and stop allowing myself to see her as sober (did that too) and look for the rules and practices on real sanity (doing that now) and found all the answers in the program and the steps, traditions and slogans and more. Having sponsorship with time is like owning Fort Knox of reality. Keep coming back and hang with this family. Read the shares and when you find a miracle...practice it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
