Hugs Suzann,

I'm going to point something out and not be popular I'm sure .. his recovery is his business and his recovery won't mean squat if you do the work for him.

Part of my recovery (and I slip and slide mostly because I don't have to be present with my XAH in terms of being nice to him and I will post what I'm being challenged with at the moment later) is allowing other people (not just my XAH) to be where they are at and just be ok with it. If I am focused on my side of the street I really do not have time to calculate who should and shouldn't be doing what. My side of the street is a full-time job.

Second off, .. be gentle with yourself .. your post sounds tired and stressed NOW is not the time to be discussing recovery work. Right now it sounds like a good time to take care of YOU and do something for yourself. I don't care if it's go for a walk, receipt the serenity prayer .. do something you like and it makes you feel good. This doesn't include self destructive behavior carton of ice cream or whatever.

Third .. when you feel that itch that one that tells you that because of what you have been through you have the right to have a say in what he is or isn't doing .. tell that voice to sit down and shut up. Sometimes no response is the best way to go. This is where a sponsor is great .. someone who you can call get that garbage out and move on to more productive things.

Big hugs .. this too shall pass and I empathize for you .. let me ask the same question to you .. how's treating him as if he's less than working for you? Keep coming back .. we ALL have our bad days .. trust me when I say this .. it will get easier as you learn tools for better self care and less meddling.

S :)

(((Suzann))) - I am so glad that you had a great day yesterday. Back when my kids were growing up, Mondays seemed to be stressful enough without added drama. I added to that by doing and expecting perfection in everyone's day. When I came to the program, I truly had to accept that the key for me to find serenity was to accept others exactly as they are, and stop doing for them what they could do for themselves.

My AH is sloppy; I am not. I created a man-cave and no longer clean it. Most of the sloppiness is now centralized in an area that I don't have to see, clean or even visit.

He is forgetful and I am not. I no longer remind him of what to do, where to be, when to be there and what's coming up. He is an adult and I gave him a computer. I even spent time showing him how to use it and his phone (both have calendars, alarms, etc.) If he isn't there, where ever there is, that's on him. I resigned from the secretary pool.

I used to make lunches for everyone. I resigned from that job too when my sons became of age to do it for themselves. If the didn't make their lunch, they could buy their lunch. If they didn't have money, they would go hungry. After all, they are adults and very capable of making sandwiches and putting them into a bag to go.

So, in summary, I delegated responsibility to the person who benefited the most and left the results to God.

I now cook one day in advance. As my boys got older, had school activities and jobs and lives, nobody could agree on one dinner time. So, I switched up to making soups, casseroles, stews, etc. that were self-serving. I set a time and those present ate together, anybody else - on their own. I always have cereal, yogurt, frozen stuff, etc. and once or twice a week, called out YOYO - You're On Your Own for dinner.

JADE comes to mind - I chose to stop justifying, arguing, defending or explaining. I said what I meant, and meant what I said as nicely as possible. Everything that overwhelmed me - laundry, meals, rides, schedules, etc. I tried to see what was my part, where was I overstepping into someone else's part and how could I change it. My life got a lot easier when I stopped doing for others what they could do for themselves.

I went to work, cleaned the house, did the laundry, washed my car and managed carpool. I only washed laundry that was in the hamper on laundry day. I set up boundaries for everything so I could take care of me. Anytime I found myself looking at another family member's schedule, job, homework, program work, etc. I bit my tongue, walked away and read Al-Anon literature.

His recovery is his recovery. He will or will not work the program, but it must be at his pace. Speaking from experience, some people rush through the 12 steps, and feel graduated. We never graduate on either side. Other people do one step per year. It's not your concern or your business what step he's on, if he is or is not meeting with his sponsor, etc. If he wants to share, that's fine. Beyond that, do the best you can to not engage in his program.

Your fears about his success/failure/program/progress should be discussed with your sponsor, not him. You and he both have enough personal 'things' to work on to not burden the other with program fears. I know you've not been able to get to a meeting, so instead of waiting for him to offer to watch the children, why not ask?

I had to learn in program that others can not read my mind. I have to ask for help to take care of me. It felt so foreign to ask my AH to watch the (his) kids so I could go .....(insert meeting, store, other) but I did. I did it with kindness and with clarity and he did not say no. If he had something else to do, we negotiated. Before long, instead of asking, I got brave enough to say, "I have plans on xyz, and need you to be home for the boys." <<< huge growth for me.

Currently, it's just us and the dog. So, I am going to FL in a couple weeks for a wedding. I invited him to go, he hem-hawed around. I made my flight plans, shared them. Finally, I decided he wasn't going to make flight plans, so I said, I am gone from Thursday to Sunday, and need you to be on dog duty. He agreed.

What the program has taught me is I put myself into superwoman role. I took it upon myself to try and create a perfect home, perfect family, perfect husband, perfect yard and .... Nobody assigned that to me, nor did anyone really notice much or appreciate it as it wasn't what they cared about. It was all for me and about me. When I relaxed and chilled out and made me a priority vs. them or the house or the carpool or the yard or the ..., and instead worked on me, everything got better. It got worse for a bit as they had to do things I did before, but they soon learned/adjusted and there was a new normal.

I was my own worst enemy with my distorted views, expectations and desires. Nobody could ever meet my expectations, including me. I contributed to the crazy-making in a big, big way that I didn't even see until I worked the program.

So, be gentle with yourself. Take a break. Evaluate what really, really matters right here and right now. Focus on what's good vs. what's not good. Everything that doesn't get done today will still be there tomorrow, and that's OK! Breathe, breathe, breathe....you are a smart woman - I can tell by your posts. If possible, consider what can be simplified - that helped me find time for me, meetings and working the program. I had to make it a priority though otherwise I would have kept doing the crazy-making and expecting others to change.

Take what you like and leave the rest - (((Hugs)))