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I have an adult nephew I have not really seen much in years. He is an amazing person, but had a hard childhood (divorce, mom is bipolar, tension with a demanding stepmother and more) He has been a heavy drinker for over 20 years, but decided to stop, move away from his old gang (500 Mike's away) and start over close to family. He has been sober for over a month and staying at my house on and off. At his dad's and stepmither's the other times as he gets his life in order. He is doing great and attending AA regularly. When he is here he helps with anything I need he scrubbed my grill today without me even asking!!
Here is the issue. He is going to be moving in with me permantly unail he gets a job and enough saved up for his own place in town. He cannot stay with his dad as those same dynamics between him and his stepmother keep rearing up. She is very controlling and a negative person. I honestly think she would be happy if he is not successful so she could say "I told you so". They are ok with him living here, but want to establish "rules" for us. Like he has to go to AA 5 nights a week AND I cannot drive him. (He has a license but no car or insurance yet). They said this was recommended so he will be responsible and show he really wants to change and be there. Same thing with his job. I would not mind dropping him off at work and picking up, along with another aunt helping, but that say this is enabling him. I thought enabling was when you helped them drink or covered up for them. This is helping him get started and in his fevent. I am not telling him to do anything or he has to go. That is up to him. I would just be happy to take him there and then go shopping or something and pick him up. Is this wrong of me.
They also want to require that I go to AlAnon. I have been to a couple of meetings, and would not mind going but I don't want someone telling me, in my 50s, that I have to do something.
I don't want to cause any division in the family, but they seem tp be unyielding and controlling, which I think started all this 20 years ago. I just want to do what is best for my nephew
Advice? Should I be driving him to AA and a job or bus stop, until he gets a job and car? What do you guys think here I am sure you have a lot more experience at this than I do. They want to have a big meeting about everything, which I am dreading, as is my nephew
It sounds like you are both grown adults, me today I know I cannot control anyone else actions. It is up to me to figure out if it is acceptable or unacceptable to me. Am I saying yes when I really want to say no? I have learned what boundaries I need in order to make my house safe- and stick to them.
I also can look at it from the other side, if I am doing what I need to do for my sobriety and need help getting to and from meetings, work etc. I am taught to ask for help, I dont expect them to do it for free - maybe fill a tank or give a little rent. That will show I am becoming responsible and accountable. In time I can ask for help from the people at the meetings - they love to help newcomers, and often will offer rides. Alcoholics love hanging out with alcoholics even in recovery. So maybe it would be suggested that I can take you but while you are attending and building relationships in recovery you might be able to find rides etc.
I think you will find your answers, my sponsor always suggests I do a pro and con list, also write out my boundaries or (house rules) and go over them so there is no surprises. For me my home is a alcohol free home, we pitch in and help out around the house, we contribute in ways that we can.
Anyway, not sure if that helped or not, I am not much on advice :) but I do have a few suggestions based on my experience.
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Practicing these principles in all our affairs is the answer. We are powerless over people,places and things. Driving a recovering person to work or a meeting, if it does not cross your boundary you is not enabling. I am confused, that this person is allowing his parents to mandate what he can and cannot do. I would not get messed up in this dynamic ---it has many pitfalls.
LookingUp - I don't do well either when others give me 'rules' unless I am in their home!!! In my home, I feel I have earned the right to make the rules. I am one who does strive for win/win, but not win/loose. I was kind (or dumb) enough to allow a younger cousin to move into my home for an interim period of time. Her mother is very controlling and a huge enabler.
Needless to say, I set the rules and my younger cousin was not compliant. So, I gave her a warning, and she told her mother, who called me to justify and rationalize for her 33 year old daughter. I listened and then basically said if she was going to live her, she needed to follow the rules, and she needed to negotiate for herself issues that come up. I told my Aunt that she was not allowed to call me to discuss her daughter any longer unless it was to coordinate rides. (This made me mean to them both, but I did not care - my house, my rules.)
So, I set up my boundaries before she moved in and then reinforced them. When I gave her rides, I charged her to help her be responsible. I was flexible if she planned ahead enough for me to run errands while she was doing something, but last minute stuff - I made her pay...
It's your house and it's your life. You can set up the boundaries you feel are necessary for your peace/serenity. You are trying to be of service, that doesn't mean anyone else is entitled to tell you how to do that. He (the young man) can accept or decline their requirement for the number of AA meetings. You can accept/decline the requirement for Al-Anon. I just don't see they have any skin in this game unless I am missing something.
Two of my qualifiers are my sons, and there were times I wanted them to go to another family member's home. Our dynamics were broken and I felt that would affect their program/sobriety. What I came to understand is if they want to drink/use, they are going to. The most important boundary I established was that my home was a substance-free zone. All substances were prohibited - exception - prescribed. I held those and handed them out as prescribed.
I also set curfews only because mine were not very quiet when they came in late and they were still young. If you as an adult decide on different rules/boundaries for your own home, and this upsets the relationship in the family, that's not on you - that's on them. Are they in Al-Anon? If there is a gentle way to suggest it, I certainly would. The first thing we learn is the 3 Cs - we didn't cause this, we can't cure this and we can't control this.
As far as rides, that's up to you. Again, your home, your rules. My easiest way to understand enabling is doing for others what they can do for themselves. My son currently has no DL & no insurance and no car. By trial and error, he has learned to find housing close to public transit. I have given him rides in emergencies and am OK with it. But, I have told him that I am his Plan B and he complies. He's also used Uber and just purchased a bike to ride.
Hope this helps - it's great that you are trying to help him out. It sounds to me as if there is an attempt by the others to draw you into the drama/chaos that the disease causes - you can decide whether you engage or not! And, Al-Anon is great - if you decide to do it, do it for you....not because they make you!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
