The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I tried to post this yesterday but it didn't work. I made some changes, and will try again. Apologies if this shows up twice...
My husband of more than 40 years has just discovered he's an alcoholic. He doesn't get drunk, at least not since college days, and has maybe one drink a year. But after retirement, several years ago, the symptoms of PTSD from his time in the service surfaced. He's been working with the VA and they have been very helpful. But as the PTSD symptoms have eased up, behaviors like lying, avoiding, raging, blaming have continued. He started AA a few weeks ago, has a sponsor, and is going to at least one meeting every day, most times two a day. He says he feels like he's come home when he goes to meetings. It all sounds good. But I really need help.
I never thought of him as an alcoholic before, but I think now that he is a dry drunk now, like his own father. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around all this. He is very hard to live with. Rarely, he is what I think of as his old self, my partner, kind, loving, funny, someone who had my back when I needed it, and vice versa. More often than not, he is angry, hostile, touchy, raging, lying about things that aren't even important. I have a chronic illness that is affected by stress, so those behaviors are really hard on me, and as a result I'm housebound, unable to leave my bedroom most of the time. I've lost a lot that was important to me, like church, and walking on the beach, and traveling to see my grangkids. This is not the life I want to live. I love him. But I don't want to live this way.
Our marriage has been good for the most part, up until the last several years, although looking back I can see things that were either PTSD or dry drunk related, compulsive spending, lying about spending, avoiding. But not raging at me, not blaming, not the kinds of things he does now. I miss him, I miss what we had. I don't know what to do. I left him for several months a year ago, and my health recovered markedly. But the place I stayed is no longer a possibility.
I've been reading How Al Anon Works, and reading this forum, and trying to put the principles into practice. I know that it's hard for me not to take his behaviors personally. But I'm so confused. I don't know how to translate the talk about drinking and alcohol into words that fit my situation. I told him a few days ago that in my mind we are separated, though still living in the same house. He says he doesnt want that and that he will change. I don't know if he can change. I don't know how to hope. I don't want to be separated but I don't think I can be married to someone who doesn't treat me with love and respect, who isn't honest with me, who is so afraid to be vulnerable he attacks me when there is nothing to hurt him. Is there some other way? It sounds strange to me to put things this way, but I cant see that hes lost anything from his behaviors. He still has church, his band, love from his kids and wife, respect in the community, good friends. Does he have to hit bottom somehow? Am I somehow in the way of that? I've never lied for him. People know what is happening. But they still care about him. So do I. I just can't do this.
Glad you're here, FHP. If there is any way you can get to a face to face meeting, you will begin to release some of your stress. Listen, share, and go back.
My husband of 44 years (!) was an active alcoholic for the first 20, then a dry drunk for the last 24. He's never acknowledged he had a problem, but increasingly blamed his misery on me. He has since left me, saying everything was my fault....A disease, indeed, and the lying, blaming, raging, avoiding, are all too familiar.
I am gradually healing, and the program is essential in teaching me that I have to focus on and care for myself. I hope you are able to do that for your own sake.
Your path will become clearer.
Thank you. Knowing you're healing encourages me that I can heal too. I can't get to a f2f meetins yet, at least not until I'm strong enough to leave this house, but I am very glad to have found this site. I want to learn how to heal. It's hard for me to stop trying to reach him. I know in my head that I can't reach him beciase he doesnt want to be reached. I'm starting to understand that he has to change on his own and reach out to me if he wants a marriage, and I have to stop trying and hoping and waiting for him to do that. But my heart hasn't caught on yet, not at all. It hurts so much. I have so much to learn about how to do this.
Sorry your hurting. What ive learned about alcoholism is its a family disease and it sounds like your husband needs alanon if his father was an alcoholic. If he doesnt and hasnt ever drank and is without the compulsion to drink then how can he be an alcoholic. Drinking to me is the main criteria. I could be wrong but i dont tbink someone who has never drank can then say they are an alcoholic. Try reading the experiences of the people on the other board, the aa board. One feature that unites them is they have had the compulsion to drinkkand lived with the consequences it brought.
The family disease effects everyone and if your husbamd is an adult child then the behaviours you describe would fit that. Alanon might be the best place for him. Whatever he chooses to do i hope you get some help for yourself.
Sorry FHP that you are going thru this especially when you have your own health issues. Like you I have been in a long term marriage. My AH has not drank in many, many years but displays all characteristics of an alcoholic. Since he retired he has been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, etc. Raging, blaming, temper tantrums and disappearing for days at a time was my norm and eventually I felt that I had to leave which I did before I found Al-anon. Al-anon suggests that you not make any major changes for 6-12 months after you begin to work the program. Leaving was the right decision for me or that is how I feel now.
Keep coming back to this site and reading others ESH (experience, strength and hope). Face to Face meetings are very important but I understand that it might not be possible. I has really helped me to recover.
Your post touches me, i wish you could get to
Face to face meetings they help so much.
My xah has been dry for thirty years his disease
Still progressed. He was basically untreated for
Most of that time. We lived a normal seeming life
For 15 years. He often was gone off working maybe
That made it work as long as it did.
Then things changed for him and i believe he started
Embracing the addict within more and more. He has
An addictive personality. The more money he made
The bigger the ego got and it needed stroking and
The addict behaviors grew.
He started attending AA in 2011, during his emotional
Recovery he got even nastier toward me. I started
Alanon in 2012. It was the best decision i ever made.
We are now divorced and it had been a very bad 12
Years living with him. He has no remorse or concern
For me. I was a bump in his road.
I am healing, growing and changing in his wonderful
Program. I hope you can find some way to get a program
In place for you. It takes awhile of really working it
And listening and learning.
I am slowly detaching and healing with no contact.
I moved to a nice little apt thirteen miles away.
Much is the isms of the disease, it remains even if
The drinking stops. My ex was an A from 12-24 then
He stopped. He did some group for awhile it is a
Three pronged disease that takes vigilance To stay
healthy.
FHP - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you found your courage to share! I am also sorry for your current situation and can relate to the disconnect between my heart and my head. That held me hostage in the beginning and the Al-Anon program taught me how to let go of my will and my way and to trust a HP (Higher Power) to get me through the pain and to the other side. The program has given me the tools, support and power to be happy in spite of what others are doing. The program has returned most of my sanity so I can see more clearly how I was affected by other's actions, and then reacted based on my distorted views.
I am a better person today because I learned to put myself first. My recovery is not a choice but a necessity in my life - when I set it aside under the pretense of helping others, I can slip backwards into distorted thinking and a false sense of reality. You took the first step by coming here and joining us! My hope for you is that you heal physically so you can find local fellowship too and begin the recovery process. It will be your personal journey and your greatest gift you've ever gotten.
Know that you are not alone - keep coming back!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all so much, for sharing your stories. It makes me feel so much less alone. I hadn't heard the part about not making major decisions for 6 month to a year. It makes sense. Maybe we can both get healthy even while still living in the same house. I hope so, but I can see that being in the same place is going to make it harder to change old patterns. He feels bad now, and says he wants to change. I don't know what lines to draw. Do I talk to him when he is being ok, or just leave him on his own? I know over the years he's gotten used to me telling him what he's feeling, and I don't want to do that anymore, I think that hindered his own ability to figure out his feelings. I'm way better and faster at feelings and at talking than he is, but I think he has to learn to deal with them himself, and learn how to talk about them. So that's one behavior I can work on in myself. I'm really confused on how much of his behavior is PTSD and how much is other stuff. I feel like I should be supporting him wth the PTSD. But that doesn't mean I should put up with him dumping on me, right? It's so hard to know what's compassion and what's love and what's me trying to take responsibility instead of letting him do it. I'm so confused! I'm trying to listen to God (is it ok to say God or should I say HP?) but hearing is hard. I'm so glad to be here and feel like I have a chance to help even if he doesn't change. Can or should I stop hoping he will change? There is so much I don't know.
FHP Saying "God is acceptable. Keeping the focus on yourself, living one day at a time while treating everyone with courtesy and respect,enabled me to stop reacting, judging and critiquing others while I regained my self esteem and learned how to trust my own decisions.
Thank you, I' glad to learn God is ok, its' what I'm used to saying but I don't want to offend anyone. Hard to not critique my husband, but I will work on it. I can treat him with courtesy, but I guess I do judge him when I get frustrated or angry with what he does. It sounds like a hard line to walk. I need to learn how to not react to him when he does things I don't like. Hmm. I guess that would mean I'm still hoping to control his behavior, when I judge him? I'm not clear on how those go together, but it seems like they do.
