The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After struggling with addiction for at least eight years, my husband went to rehab last month. It was incredibly difficult, as I was left at home with our children, businesses and farm to take care of. We made it through and he did great in rehab. His spirits were so good. He was positive. He was proud of where he had gotten to. I finally felt like I could breathe again, like a weight had been taken off my heart. He was only home one week and he relapsed tonight. My heart is broken. I don't know how to be supportive right now when all I feel is so incredibly hurt and sad. I cannot take this rollercoaster of emotions. Just yesterday I was so happy, and now I am SO LOW.
I am new to Al-Anon. Your help would be so appreciated.
Hello ALCAMP,I am pleased that you found us and had the courage to reach out and seek help. I can so identify with the disappointment and pain that you are feeling and would like to assure that although you are powerless over the disease of alcoholism in another, there is hope and help available for you.
Alcoholism is a dreadful , chronic, disease that can be arrested but never cured. I am sorry that your partner has relapsed and would like to suggest that you did not cause this disease, can not control it and cannot cure it. Living with this disease,the family also becomes affected and requires a program of recovery of their own. AA is the recovery program for he alcoholic and Alanon is the recovery program for family members. Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities an the hot line number is in the white pages. It is there that I broke the isolation caused by living with the disease, developed new tools to live by and was finally able to keep the focus on myself and act in a positive manner.
Hello ALCAMP - welcome to MIP....so glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share and join us. I am sorry for your sadness - it truly stinks when the disease controls another that we love. As Betty suggest, Al-Anon meetings and fellowship and tools can help you understand the disease and how to find peace and joy no matter what he is doing (or is not doing).
We have absolutely no control over them or the disease. We didn't cause it nor can we cure it. What we can do is detach from them/their actions to the best of our ability and practice self-care. I have been where you are and it's not a pleasant place to be. Please know that you are not alone and we're all here for you.
Please keep coming back - you are family now!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. As HotRod and IAH both mentioned, you are not alone. I definitely can identify very closely to the pain you are feeling... Many of us can - unfortunately. I am newer to the program, so don't have a ton in the way of suggestions - just wanted to let you know you're heard and you'll get through this. No matter what. All my best.
I too can relate. Mine was 45 days when he "slipped" What I found helpful was the book "Getting them sober" it helped me recognize that this was his problem and if I wanted him to change I had to change the way I reacted to his drinking.
I am sorry that you are in such emotional pain again. Your happiness is not dependant on what he does and does not do. I know that is very difficult in the beginning to accept that. I know that I too attached my wellbeing/happiness to my ADs outcomes good or bad. Please remember that although he has had a slip it does not necessarily mean everything is lost and the family is doomed. He hopefully learned something in rehab, he knows what he needs to do. Hopefully he has a sponsor and support (other then you) to reach out to. If he is serious about his recovery he will get himself back on track. There is nothing that you can say or do that will make that happen. In the meantime, look for your own support. Coming here is a good fist step. We cant do this alone. Take care
Welcome AW! Glad to have you here with us. Some great wisdom and suggestions above. We've all been in your shoes. Alone we stay sick, together we get well. There's hope for you here and in Alanon. Alcoholism affects the entire family. Once I started to take care of myself in Alanon the problems around me got smaller. Some of them actually disappeared. That's the gifts we receive when we turn the focus on us, the only person we have control over. We regain the ability to have our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors regardless of what people around us are doing. It's truly a miracle for people like us.
My husband started rehab last April 2015 and relapsed twice (June and August). He has not had a drop since August. From what I was told relapsing at the beginning is common and expected. Do not let it scare you too much. I get where you are at.
Thank you all so much. Thank you for helping me realize that my husband's relapse doesn't have to mean that his time in rehab meant nothing. Someday I hope my emotions won't be tied to his sobriety, or how his eyes look. I will definitely get to a meeting this week and order that book referenced above. I feel I may have been a trigger in this relapse because I questioned his eyes in church. To him that meant - I am already in trouble so I might as well just go ahead and drink. To me, my emotions were just so raw that when I saw his eyes half closed I couldn't help myself. It was Easter and I don't think we have had a holiday we haven't fought over his drinking since I met him 15 years ago. Chicken or egg - I don't know which came first this time but I need to put that behind me and just respond (not react) better next time.
Thank you again for each of your time in responding to my need.
Let us know how your meeting goes and keep coming back - this is a great place as another Al-Anon tool to have!!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
