The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First I started with depression, hate, yelling, begging for him to stop drinking. It made the situation worse, never better. (I know this doesn't work)
So then I tried detaching with love. I would ask him to join us in games, walks, dinner, time spent. He'd say yes, but would drink & then pass out. I would get upset but not say or aruge about it, ask again, and again let down. This went on for awhile. The more it went on the more emotional I became. Then came the silent arguements, the yelling arguements. It was like a huge emotional roller coaster for me. (I know this doesn't work)
So then I tried going on w/o him while in the house. Dinners alone, movies with kids alone, etc. I was calmer and didn't have that rollercoaster of emotions within me, but still very lonely and sad. He didn't like this exclusion. He felt the emotional rollercoaster. (This wasn't my plan) I just didn't want to ask, be let down, again & again. I just anticipated he wouldn't be there, so why ask. So I excluded him, to be numb, so I wouldn't have to feel that emotional roller coaster of feelings of hope, & let down. This created huge fights between us. (I know this doesn't work)
So, I guess I haven't learned to detach with love or w/o anger. I can see the destination of serenity in detaching with love, but I can't find the path to get there. I don't want to exclude him. I do see his pain when I do that. I see his shame in the morning too. Yet I don't want to be let down again & again. I don't know how to include him knowing he'll drink, & won't be there, w/o that rollercoaster of emotional let down.
I can really relate to what you wrote, I've done the same things. Detaching with love is not exclusion. That is avoidance. I usually did this out of anger. It was easier to not deal with him, so I did without him, thus a little relief, but in my mind I was still irked that he couldn't/wouldn't participate with us and he was mad because he was out of the loop.
This program encourages you to live and let live. That means not stopping your life because of the A. I found myself thinking way to hard on this. I felt like it was a catch 22, no winning. But there is a solution. You can inform your A of events, plans etc. then allow him to participate or not to participate (without waiting on him). The whole thing is that if he doesn't participate, will you be able to enjoy yourself anyhow? Or will you be at the event thinking how he should be there? Live and let live. You rob yourself of joy by allowing what he does to affect your happiness. This is something you are in control of. It is not alway easy, but it gets easier with practice. He is the one who will be loosing out on the good things. I personally had to learn that I too was loosing out by loosing my focus and obsessing over my A (and what I thought he should be doing) I had to learn to live in the moment and enjoy what was right infront of me. On occasions my A would suprise me by attending an event, arriving on time, and eating dinner with us (not all in one day lol). When this happened I just looked at it as a bonus, because I was going to enjoy myself and my children and life in general anyhow
I went thru everything you could imagine to do what u r trying to do with my family for over 20yrs. As long as A only wants to A all that is important to the A is A. They will do what ever it takes to maintain A, roller coaster allllllll the way UNLESS the A decides to stop A And only the A can decide and some go alllllll the way till the last breath being A NOTHING can stop an A except the A themself I buried my A-bro an active A and the rest are still active A's My A-mom is 72 and still in denial my A-dau might have a chance to see the but I just don't count on any of them to stop A Killing myself over A's just doesn't make sence to me I want more out of life than A's crumbs they probably won't remember giving.
Maybe there are recovered ones out there , I just don't know that many in my yrs that did, so for me if I had to look back I wasted precious decades of my life feeling the A's roller coaster and came out on a roller coaster that I still have trouble feeling dizzy from. It is getting better all the time though because i stayed out the roller coaster the last dozen yrs til Katrina sent me back in their direction so now I can take a different feel on it and I'm quite cautious to stear clear of any visits that start feeling too dizzy again. I've only been back around them a few months so I'm still figuring out how to word the differences.
I do art and I think my new found creativity I've been doing the last 12yrs is trying to show up in my writing and that usually isn't the case So hope I'm coming across OK
Hope this gives you something
Stick with the program and lite will come Sharing and Caring Hugs BLESSINGS
__________________
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
In my experience, I had an impossible time figuring out how to detach 'with love'. I quite simply was unsuccessful in my attempts and could never quite grasp the concept that made it an acceptable way of life for me. In the end, I decided that if I couldn't detach with love...I wasn't being fair to my AH. I don't doubt that it's possible...as I've heard many are fantastic at it and it works for them. It's just that I could not, and still can not imagine living my life as a married person - and not enjoy the 'normal' benefits of a loving, involved partner. I am one who needs to have the mutual respect of give and take...to love...to cherish...together...etc. It all seemed so empty and pointless to me without it. Detaching with love takes a special patience and a special talent that I just don't possess. This disease was/is too much for me.
I'm sorry I can't offer you more 'hopeful' words, but I'm sure there are others here who can. I think we're all built differently, and no 'one way' is the 'right way' for anyone...
I am so right there with you at this point in my life!!! I am trying hard to spend my day not worrying and thinking about him. I want him involved but get so tired of being disappointed and hurt. This weekend happened to be a big step for me I feel. He went away Saturday-he even kind of invited me to go along with him, but I really didn't have the time to--I needed to do some work of my own. Now normally I would have found a way to go with him even though it was a huge inconvenience for me--But I let him go alone!!! and I did not worry about him while he was gone. I was very proud of myself! Sunday he told me he might show up at church. I was very disappointed that fo course he didn't come. I did focus on it and felt miserable for myself almost the entire time (so can't be proud of that), but when I got home I just told him that a few people had asked about him and said they missed him. He asked me what I told them about why he wasn't there--I told him I told them I didn't know and if they wanted to know they could call him. I didn't complain or gripe to him I didn't even bring it up the rest of the day. I did tell him a couple of things that happened there but I tried to act like it didn't make a difference to me whether or not he was there. I actually felt pretty good about this. I can't wait until the "acting" becomes natural and I can honestly let his problems be his problems!!!!
I wish you peace and the ability to detach!! Just keep trying and maybe eventually you and I will both "get" it!!!!!!!!
DeAnna: Reading your post made my stomach churn as it all sounds so familiar. I am very new to this site and posting but not to living with my A. I know that I do not have the knowledge or insight that so many people here have but I will give you my 2 cents worth.
I have gotten to the point that I assume the worst with my A and am happy when I am wrong. I am happy when we go through a weekend with maybe one sober day. On those days when she decides to drink, I just keep away and do something by myself that helps to keep my mind off of what she is doing. I gave up the yelling, crying, begging, reasoning, wishing and everything else that did not work. Well, for the most part I have given those things up - guess nothing works all of the time. I just keep trying to remind myself that there is nothing I can do for her so I have to do for myself.
Yes, I have been through this exact thing for several years too. I didn't even know the term "detached" until someone told me. I just started doing EVERYTHING alone, or more commonly, with our two kids. And I mean everything...movies, beach, park, dinner, school events, everything. Me or the kids would occassionaly ask her to go, and she'd either say "ok, next time", or "you know I don't like the beach", etc. Basically an excuse to stay home and drink.
The one time she recently went with us to the mall, around Christmas, she was drunk, got lost in the mall with my 11 year old son, and was pretty much staggering/fall down drunk (she brought wine with her, in her purse, and drank it in the bathroom). My son was horribly embarassed, and reduced to tears afer they were approached by a seurity guard.
The problem with doing everything alone is twofold, in my opinion. First, you do feel a great sense of lonliness and sadness, doing everything alone, or not being able to share family activities with anyone but yourself. Second, for me at least, I got to the point to where I didn't want her to ever go with us. We had our own routine, loved being out all day, and always had a fun and healthy time. Her going would only ruin things, and cause everyone to be upset. So now she just returned from a 28 day program, and hasn't really changed much. Still drinks sometimes, (five times in six weeks since she's home), and has yet to go anywhere with us. And I can't say that I want her to go, and that's the problem with detaching. It's not easy to reatch. Are you just setting yourself up for failure should they fail?
i too have struggled with the detach with love idea. right now my a does not live at home, and i have also settled into a nice healthy routine with out him around with the kids. so now i am working on the reattach with love and it is hard.
Your story sounds familiar. My A has been sober for over 20 years. "Let's do something as a family" was my mantra. The minute our youngest son graduated from high school my husband literally walked out the door. I am coming to realize that he is not conscious whether sober or or not sober. He does not think like me or even think. Their motivation is different when they are in an addictive process. What I have said is that my husband has never realized the impact of his behavior. Where's dad? Is he coming too? When's dad coming home? Then the kids quite asking. But for sure I am glad I did what I did whether it worked or not. But you do have to ask yourself what do you want out of life aside from the A. Sometimes I think that we latch on to the scenario of the A and forget to formulate goals for ourselves.
but I just don't count on any of them to stop A Killing myself over A's just doesn't make sence to me I want more out of life than A's crumbs they probably won't remember giving.