The last few days has been filled with a ton of emotions and awareness. I had to experience a lot of  acceptance and cried a bucket of tears. I have now come to acceptance about my daughter moving out and living her own life. I see that I am a control freak, I know the way and you better do it my way. I see that everyone has their own journey and need to deal with it. The good and bad. I can not save anyone. I also felt a lot of self pity and anger toward the choices I made in life-having children. I grew up in a very very dysfunctional way and what made me believe I could make a difference in my children and not pass on my sickness onto them. It will take generations to change the past dysfunction. I have to see I gave my best and taught them the best way I knew. I have to give myself credit for what I did right. I never wanted children, as I was so messed up growing up and never wanted to pass my faults to my children. I had children only because my body was telling me. I also, picked an alcoholic to have children from. I was angry at that as well. I also realized that I never had had the right to be a relationship with any man. I am too messed up. I do not know how to love or give love. I do not know what love is. I was so sick that I thought I knew what love was. I still do not know what it is. I am still a mess and I need to work on myself. I need to love myself.

My emotions toward my ABF now is completely dead. I feel nothing at all for him and just do not care. I just look at him now with disgust. I had feelings for him so much before and adored him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, now I do not want to be near him period. I feel so hurt by him and what he had done and said now my heart has died. I see him only as a roommate, and nothing else. I guess, I have grown up now. I have no feelings left toward him. I just see myself starting a new life. I feel relief that my emotions have died toward my abf as it will save me from further pain. I find that this is a pattern for me, after about 2 years with a man, my emotions toward them die and its time to move on. I see now, I have no business being in a relationship with a man, I have to much expectations, hope, control as to how I want things. Its better for me to be single and help myself. I am having a hard time letting go and letting god! I just feel anger as well, at my choice of being with an alcoholic. My pattern, pick an alcoholic, let them treat you like crap then get angry! I see that the way all the man I had been with, have treated me the same way, garbage! It was never love and I believe it was love! I see it for what it is now, abuse! Its not love! Now comes down to what am I going to do about this? I have to take some kind of action and let the awareness work its magic. I have a ways to go!

Thanks for letting me vent this!