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Hi, This is my first post here. I hope this is the right place to ask....
I have been seeing a man for about a year and a half. When I first met him I did not realize that he was an alcoholic-- he hid it very well, but shortly after it became obvious. Vodka was his drink of choice...he would buy nips and drink several shots a day. Some days were better than others, but he began drinking more, even at work, first thing in the morning and all. We couldn't go anywhere without getting his "medicine" - He was pretty functional for the most part, but when he was real drunk, he was mean and nasty and I was very close to letting him go. Luckily, he finally had enough...his health was affected...increased heart rate, high blood pressure, weight loss, shaky, etc... he asked me to take him to detox, which I did. The first time he came out, he went right back to drinking.... he went back for a second time a short time later and has been sober for 4 months. He's got a nice job, goes to AA meetings, and has a positive outlook now. He's fun to be around and I am so happy that he's sober... My question.... we had an amazing sex life before he stopped drinking...but now that he's sober we never have sex. He says its not me, but I feel like it is. I feel like now that he's sober, he sees me differently, that he's not attracted to me...it bothers me every day, but he insists its not me. Is this something that typically happens to men when they become sober? I don't want to push it with him and I guess I'm just looking for a little bit of advice on how to handle this. Do I wait it out...wait for him to make the first move, or do I make a move? Ive made subtle moves, but really don't want to push it, and to be honest, I'm afraid of being rejected... Any suggestions, or have any of you gone through something similar?
He is absolutely right - it is not you. The Alanon saying "Didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it", while not exactly comforting for a newcomer, will become comforting as you get stronger.
I had same situation - he actually said, when he lifted his "last" glass "Well, we sure did have good sex". So he knew that somehow, drinking was related to his ability to have sex. Now, many years later, I wish I had insisted we see a therapist to deal with the issue. In his case, (I won't go into details), he had to mask his sexual issues in order to have a normal sexual relationship - as if drinking made for anything "normal"!
I'm sure others will add that going to face to face meetings will be a life-saver for you. It surely has been for me.
Keep strong. Know you are special and wonderful.
hopeful59 - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and found your courage to share.
I am a double winner, so that means I am in AA & Al-Anon. My experience is that when I got sober, I had to learn how to do everything again, sober. I had a ton of fear that my 'fun' would be gone now that I didn't have my mistress or my medicine as you call it. It took me a while in recovery to realize that I am the same person with the same strengths and weaknesses as before, and I would be OK.
It is not you, just as he says. It's him - his comfort level, his fears, his inadequacies and what-ever else may be haunting him.
I strongly suggest you get into Al-Anon and seek your own recovery. The disease reaches beyond the drinker and causes us to fear irrationally as well as act/react in ways different than we maybe would or should. The program can help you understand more about the disease and recovery as well as give you tools to find your own peace and serenity.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi~In the past I had several relationships in which my boyfriends only wanted sex when they were drinking and/or smoking pot. I ended all these relationships eventually, one even lasting 5 years. This has to do with the addict and their inability to be clear and present with intimacy. Get yourself healthy and since your boyfriend is working on himself there are many possible outcomes. I've learned to take care of me and then I can cope, handle things, and be happy, whatever my spouse is doing. Welcome to alanon! Lyne
