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My 16 year old daughter joined a group through school for children of alcoholics, her birth father and current AH, and her paternal grandparent. She met a really nice friend in the group who has an alcoholic mother The two are pretty good friends and my daughter was a big support when the girl had to move to her fathers when her mother fell off again. Last weekend a feral cat had a litter of kittens in the neighborhood and the mom left her kittens. When 3 of them froze to death, my daughter and her friend jumped in to save the last one, they named her Miracle. They named her Miracle because 1. She survived when the others did not 2. On the day the kitten was born both the girls mother and my AH climbed back on the wagon and 3. The progress I have made in this group. It was the cutest thing, we had to feed it with an eye dropper, its little mew was so cute.....today Miracle died. We rushed it to the vet and they tried to save it, but it died in my daughters hand. The grief stricken sobbing by both girls was overwhelming. I couldn't console them. It is their belief, that with Miracles death everything will go back to the way it was. I have no answers for this besides turning it over to HP but they do not do 12 steps in their group. Any suggestions?
This immediately reminded me of that story that goes around facebook about the little boy who doesn't cry when his dog dies, and when his tearful mother asks why he says "People come to earth to learn how to be nice and love each other. Dogs already know how to do that so they don't have to stay as long".
Anyway I wonder if you could frame it around that sort of sentiment? Something to the effect that the kitty stayed a little longer than it was intending to because of their love and care and in return gave them hope and joy and that the extra time should be celebrated and not mourned if that makes any sense at all?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh Suzann - I am so, so sorry for all of you. I am a huge animal lover and this just breaks my heart. I don't know what they study or do in their group but perhaps some of our slogans are applicable? Things such as "we do the best we can with what we have and can't know/control the outcome." I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason. As a youth, death was hard for me and seemed so final. I did not have parents I could talk to/with about this. As an adult, I've come to accept and appreciate that when one (human or animal) is called home it is because God needed them there more than we needed them here...
Know that all of you are in my prayers. There is nothing to keep anyone from a personal choice - whether that choice is continued sobriety or return to active addiction. The 3 C(s) also come to mind - if you can make them 'teen friendly'.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It's really about the fragility of good things, isn't it? But the death of poor Miracle doesn't determine whether other things in their life are good or bad. If they work on developing the tools to handle adversity, those tools will serve them well. Grief and acceptance are two of the tools.
Very true Mattie. I never realized how much the alcoholism affected my daughter and her friend. I know now how much my fathers, ah #1, my son and my ah affected me, and I feel a little selfish that here I am working so hard on me, I didn't even think about her. Im a little worried that at 16 they associate the death of little Miracle with people making bad choices. A very long time ago, when I was a senior in high school, I had a friend that decided to make some very bad choices all because her parents had to sell her horse. She has only been sober now for 5 years. That is a long time to not be able to accept the grief of losing something that you love. I know for myself, until I came here, whenever something good happened I was always looking over my shoulder waiting for the bad to happen. That too was a long time to live like that. Im hoping I didn't pass that behavior on to my daughter through my actions. Im not going to let myself feel guilty though because I wasn't aware until just now.
Suzann It is great that you are seeking recovery. As you have just realized alcoholism is a family disease and effects the entire family in a negative fashion. No need to feel guilty for past actions, however going forward, I would investigate the availability of alateen in your community . Itwould be a great benefit to your 16 year old daughter I hope she can find a meeting
