The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First off I want to acknowledge the progress I've made in managing my emotions when my kids act up. Kids will be kids and for the most part I'm happy with the way I'm becoming a more patient and loving parent.
That said, getting my kids to stay in bed after bedtime can be frustrating at times. Bedtime is 8pm and the other night my 2.5 year old daughter was getting out of bed after 11pm. Whenever she gets out of bed I usually gently but firmly put her back to bed and thank her for staying in bed. Sometimes I think she just needs some attention so I'll sit her on my lap and talk to her while stroking her hair. I'll only do this ONCE because it's tricky not to reinforce bad behavior with loving attention by accident.
Over the last couple weeks I've lost my cool twice, whacking her on her bottom hard while yelling at her to stay in bed. My son received similar treatment from me one night about a week ago as well. After my frustration built into something more I re-actively smacked his bottom hard and also let loose some yelling. Afterwards I felt that I went too far in my punishment and apologized for taking my frustration out on them.
While the Pope recently came out and said spanking is sometimes okay, I don't think this is what he had in mind! Anger can drive a wedge between my children and I emotionally and I don't want that. What's happening to my patience? Where has my parental creativity gone? I haven't even tried a positive reinforcement for bedtime. I'm starting to gravitate toward a default parenting style of raising my voice and commanding my kids to stay in bed, a rather ineffective style, not to mention potentially harmful for the well-being of my kids. While I need to be patient with myself regarding my flaws, I also feel this needs to be addressed. As I'm writing this I'm starting to think about the question "Am I taking care of me?" and although I thought I was, maybe not so well. I used to exercise 4 times a week and now I'm down to once a week. I'm fortunate to have found a home I can afford but it's a home that needs a lot of love and most of my time and energy has been sunk into the house while perhaps some program exits the window. I haven't been to a meeting in ages. My house is a perpetual construction zone with paint cans and tools lying everywhere. It's not the most relaxing space yet. I think I'm juggling too many balls in the air at once and need to sit down and map out a more effective strategy, because starting 6 different home improvements at once wasn't the best idea.
Yes I've gone through some big life changes over the last year but that doesn't excuse bad behavior. I've always wanted to get a professional massage and maybe now is a good time to go check that out. Thanks for letting me share and I hope everyone has a Happy Easter!
((Littlelionman))) thanks for your honesty and for a powerful example of a 10th Step in action. Owning your part and exploring alternate responses while examining self care is essential to recovery.
Be gentle with yourself, attempt to schedule a meeting and try to delegate some of the house repairs out. Positive thoughts on the way.
I know that when I'm repeatedly doing something that I wish i wasn't doing (yelling at my kid being one such thing), beating myself up and telling myself what a bad, bad thing I've done doesn't help. Actually, the more I try to "guilt" myself into change, the worse it gets sometimes. It just doesn't work....what does work is trying to work out what's got me so agitated and upset in the first place and addressing that. For example I wrote a post last night about how things have been rough and I've been getting angry and snappy and upset with myself for being angry and snappy. It all came to a head with a huge fit of laughing and I realised then what has been very absent from my routine lately has been fun or laughter of any kind. There's a lesson in that, that's for sure!!
Anyway my daughter and I started sniping at each other this morning and I put on a funny video and sat watching it with her until we were both howling. Laughter is a great "reset" as far as I am concerned.
Also one of my very favourite tools is the whole 'stay in right now" which means that when something keeps spiralling I am not committed to it, I can stop, breath, bring myself into right now and from then on, anything is possible. Guilt over harsh parenting is a hard one and it can send our minds into pretty bad places which does nothing to improve matters so i think it's super important that you forgive yourself, find yourself in the moment and start fresh!!
Anyway hugs. None of it is easy and good on you for being honest and introspective about it; your kids are lucky to have you.
(((LLM)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I hear you. I find parenting is an ongoing process of "starting again". When stuck in commander mum mode I know I need some kind of mental break even if its just the half hour I'm taking right now to leave kids with the neighbour and have a solo coffee. When I'm in a daily funk of pissed off at everything I have good results with just for today I will not anger. Sometimes though I think i have to be commander mum. Explanations get lost in the moment. Wishing you lots of self care opportunities. (((Littlelionman)))
(((Littlelionman))) - raising kids is tough work, raising them alone, or mostly so is damn hard. I know you and your wife share your kids, is it possible there are different rules at her house? I ask because when mine were small, I read a book called, "Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems". It truly helped me, was very practical and gave ideas for different ages/stages. I felt like a failure that I couldn't get them to sleep (as babies) and wanted to pull my hair out when they'd get up over and over again in the toddler stage.
So, that did help - and my pediatrician as well as the book both talked about consistency. The time, the steps leading up to it, etc. Both told me over and over again that kids respond really well to consistency and boundaries. That did seem to work really well for my life.
About you and your self-care - it's so easy to get into the life grove and new 'needs' fly in. I have repeatedly in recovery let my own program slip for the sake of other/competing priorities. It never fails, that I will slip emotionally at some point. I've had to work each time to get back into a groove that makes my program/recovery my number one priority....it is frustrating that I can't graduate even when my life gets busy with good things, but for me, it just doesn't work that way.
My hope is you can do some self-love - the massage, the gym, return to what helped you heal. That always seems to work for me when I go 'left of center'.
Know that we're all here for you - and always remember, especially with kids, this too shall pass!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for the support! I'm trying to be gentle with myself...parenting is hard work and I can't expect it to be joyous 100% of the time. All it takes is a night or two of bad sleep, a long day at work, and a demanding night from the kids to create the perfect storm of dad not having his A-game. I'm human and I'm doing the best I can. But missmeliss said "...trying to work out what's got me so agitated and upset in the first place and addressing that" and I know she probably meant immediate drains on my serenity, BUT....I do think some of my angry reactions have been OVER reactions and I've been asking myself "Why do I get so upset with my kids sometimes?" "How do I feel when they don't listen to me?" "Why does it bother me so much when my son hits his little sister?" And this line of questioning has given me some insightful answers. Similar triggers I had with my ex that I just didn't expect to have with my children.
Betty I'm absolutely going to get some help with the repairs. I'm getting prices for everything so I can pick and choose what I can do myself and what I'm willing to pay for. And maybe it's time to take my friendly neighbor up on his offer to help. I'm sure there will be plenty of chances for me to return the favor someday!
a4l you hit the nail on the head with "starting again". When I feel like I'm losing my calm it's time to find a way to hit the reset button.
Iamhere there are indeed some different rules at my ex wife's house and one of them pertains to bedtime. She has a smaller apartment and the kids share a room there, making bedtime an added challenge for her. She says she sometimes can't get them to sleep until after 11pm and then they come to dad's house and bedtime is between 8-9pm, so I'll try to be patient. It's a big adjustment for them too. I try to be as consistent as I can, and my son lets me know when I deviate one iota from the bedroom routine. "Dad I still need to go potty" or "Dad we didn't brush our teeth yet!" in a voice that suggests he's amazed I could ever forget it.
Transition is rough on everyone, I know I don't transition well. When I let my self care slip and take on too may projects I get very cranky. I have learned to bite off one project off at a time and prioritize myself and my kids time comes first. I just made it through full time school with having my children full time and I know I wasn't always a peach. All I can do is start now and find outlets that reconnect me to my serenity like meetings, a massage sounds lovely, exercise is a great one, and just sitting and reading an al-anon books that helps me get into the right head space while soaking in the tub. I have learned to ask for help from many of my friends and it has further bonded us. I am glad to hear your growth and open vulnerability expressed here and I totally relate. My mom was very much scary when angry and would yell and hit. I fight her within me sometimes and have to really stop and think through my frustration especially with my 7 year old. I am still trying to find what works for her, but as she gets older it gets easier. You are very insightful and I am glad you are here.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
