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I have been with my husband since aug 99. In that whole time he didn't have a licnese or a car. Well within the yr he has gotten his license that he is paying off. He has credit cards now. He is now in the process of getting a car. I am scared to death about him getting a car. I have had a past of cutting and the thoughts have come up which a very strong. I am stressed because of him getting a car. It is a 300 dollar car. I know one of the reason is control. I have a hard time letting go of the things. I am afarid he is going to take off and leave for hours or get into trouble. I am very nervous about this car thing. It has been like a nightmare coming true. I am trying to detach because I don't want to be hurt if he leaves for a long time. I have been spending alot of time with my friends because I am trying to detach. I am obessing about this car. Where he going to go. Well he drink and drive. I know these things i can't control but i still am worried.
He has the bill of sale so he has it now. :( so it really his. I am in a very bad mood. I am not very nice to him.
-- Edited by nycbt at 09:45, 2006-03-13
-- Edited by nycbt at 18:18, 2006-03-13
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
hopefully you will find that his car will be more of a blessing and less of a burden. Maybe it will ease some stress on you and free you up to do things for yourself. Maybe he will be able to take on more chores around the house since he will have transportation. I have learned that if they are going to use, they will find a way regardless of whether or not they have money or transportation.
You just got a let go and Let God. He sounds determined to get his way of life back. As for cutting please come to the room to talk when you get the urge to cut.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I know it is so scary, Nycht. When my husband and I would argue, I used to chase him out of the house, and THROW myself at his car, trying to get him to not leave and go drink. That is insane, and I know that now. I only made myself crazy and him madder.
Try to let go and let God. Keep spending time with your friends, and coming to chat.
I have cut, too. When I get upset, I want so badly to hurt myself, to take the pain out of my heart and onto my body. But that doesn't get rid of the pain or anxiety, it just transfers it, and it is still there. We must find healthier ways to cope.
Please take care of yourself. I know when I was brand new to the room, you offered me hope and comfort. And, I think I'm getting better, even though I have slips now and then.
Remember you cannot control your husband. And, as Powerless said, it may be a blessing in disguise. That seems to happen a lot here!
God is in control. We must hand it over to God. I pray every day for God to surround my A husband with protection. That is the only thing I can do for him.
Nycbt: I can definitely empathise with the "car" issue. Currently my A drives my truck his own car is needing service. The car issue is a tremendous one for me. I wish I had never got involved with him on that one.
I think you have done a tremendous job in standing strong on not letting him use your car. I can only imagine what strength that takes and how much it took out of you on that level. Now you have another challenge.
For me the car, the crashing it, the tickets, the dui's (he has not got any yet but that does not mean he had not driven drunk he has) have all been issues that have sent me into the stratosphere in anxiety. For starters the car is such an enormous expense. The A's insurance is through the roof as a result of that. Yet he still drives erratically. That is one thing we still argue about (and our arguments are way down).
Obviously the A counts having a car as a way to be out there and be independent. Unfortunately as long as they are an A they tend to do that without much responsibility. I try to take the cue from people in this room and not go into the what if's. I know if I have a good program I will deal with what comes up and how it comes up. Now more than ever I focus on me and how I need to change (not for him but for me) and how I need to work on myself.
I have absolutely very very little control over the A's driving and erratic behavior. He seems better but as long as he uses and chooses not to get help that behavior is likely to continue. My A regularly took off for quite some time when he felt threatened or wanted to punish me. For me that was very painful. I find it particularly painful on the holidays but I had made no plans for the holidays for me so I have to take responsibility for that.
I am glad to hear of your adventures and all the things that you are doing to feel far less dependent on him NYCBT. That is such good news and the focus and energy you put into your program is formidable. I can imagine this challenge is very very hard for you. The car stuff has nearly put me out with anxiety sometimes. I have to detach daily about his driving and his actions with regard to the way the A drives. Thank you for reminding me that I need to keep that up. My sanity is as important to me as anything else. These days my sanity is more important than my fear about what he might do or what he may destroy next. I will no longer rant and rave about that I will attend to myself and deal with what comes up as it comes up rather than lose myself in worry, obsessing and anxiety about things I cannot control on any level.
